I honestly and truly hate myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Morgana, Oct 13, 2011.

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  1. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    I'm only really putting this on this forum because any other site I go to, if I were to express these sentiments, everyone would assume I was in imminent danger and go crazy and worried on me. Which isn't at all what I want. Anyway.

    I do. I hate who I am and who I've become. Not that I was any prize a couple of years ago, but in some ways, I'm even worse now. I'm a self-centered, lazy, shallow bitch, for one. Yes, I am. And I over-justify things just because I want or like them. I manipulate people. I'm not great at it, but I still do it.

    In short, I am truly a nasty, horrible person. I am also ridiculously over-dependent on the man I love, to the point of acting like a child around him and wanting him to be proud of me. And no wonder he's fed up with all the ways I have hurt him and all of the things I don't get. Even writing this here is self-centered to the point of stupidity. How dare I think myself this important. Honestly. How dare I.

    Either I need to do a complete overhaul of every single bit of me...or I honestly need to just kill myself. Because this isn't worth it anymore. None of it is. I hate myself. I do not want to be alive anymore and be this person, this way. This spoilt, self-centered, shallow, stupid thing. Who can't ever seem to put herself in his shoes. Or...anyone's shoes? And I think I can help people? Who am I fooling?

    I'm a leech. I'm a burden. I take and take and do nothing to give. That is all I ever do, no matter how much I want to believe otherwise. It's a foolish hope, pretending I am worth something to people. I was worth something. I have thrown that away. Now all I am is a burden or perhaps, to some, something to fuck.

    Really, that's about it.
  2. post op

    post op Banned Member

    Cool I like how u say some thing instead of some one to fuck you must be for real
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    If you know these things about yourself, you can analyze them and if they are true, if you are lazy etc, then you can try to change. Does your man do all the housework etc? If he does, help him if you can.

    Genuine 'leeches' tend to be either unaware or uncaring - you seem to be neither?
  4. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    We're in a long-distance relationship. He does the housework at his place. I actually live with my aunt and housework/straightening up/etc. is how I pay my rent. My aunt has no complaints, I guess, but I know I'm still lazy. I should exercise more. Do more. Work more--try to get a job more. I keep using the excuses of feeling sick or headaches or depression or spaciness/dissociation. I should be able to work PAST those things. I've had them long enough. :/ But I mean...even when I feel great, I don't work hard enough, I'd rather slack off and do nothing. The twins [inside--I'm multiple XP] have to prod me to take a shower ffs. I can't even stay on top of proper hygiene. It's disgusting.

    Well...I don't know. I guess maybe I'm not actually a leech, maybe, but...if the effect is still basically the same, then...? :/
  5. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Being multiple must be challenging, you overcome a lot every day, don't you?
    Exercise, you could offer to walk to the shops for your aunt, something like that?

    The effect is not the same, you contribute to your aunt's life. That is not a leech.

    As for hygiene, having a routine helps. Shower at the same time, when you get up or whichever fits your lifestyle best.
  6. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    I suppose, yeah...head is still kinda raw after splitting the other week again....we haven't split [created a new alter] since childhood, but my aunt is that...challenging to deal with, I guess. Or perhaps we're being unkind to her. I truly don't know anymore... :blink:

    Hmm. I could try. The nearest store is a mile away, so I couldn't bring back much, but I could bring back like if she just wanted a couple things, probably. I've walked down to the convenience store and back without a lot of problems.

    Well--ok, maybe I'm not a leech on my aunt, but what about others? What about emotionally? Can you be an emotional leech? :/

    I should create a very specific routine...and not deviate...but I suck at keeping to a routine...maybe someone inside can help, 'cause we really need to do this better, especially if I have any hope of getting a proper job. It doesn't help I have seborrheic dermatitis, which keeps breaking out in patches across my face. Yuck.
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Sorry to heat you recently split again, it must be hard to deal with.

    Well could you do that walk daily? That way you would get exercise and not have to bring loads back.

    Routines are hard, I procrastinate terribly! Just aim to say shower when you get up, leave something out to remind you until the habit is set, I am sure you will feel better.

    Emotional leech - I think people can, be using others to make themselves feel better without reciprocating. Do you feel like this in your relationship?
  8. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Wish she was out right now, she doesn't actually feel emotions...they're no more than curiosities to her, actually. :unsure: I wish I could feel like that.

    Hmm. I could try. I have feet problems, so I don't know, but it would probably be good for me to be able to walk 2 miles a day. Maybe it would toughen them up, or something.

    Heh...I hate showering in the morning. I like the night. I wonder if I could set a phone alarm or something...? That might help me get to sleep at a proper hour, too. Even now with a freaking migraine, it's still 3 a.m. and I'm not in bed yet. I'm getting there, though.

    ...I don't know. If it is, it's not intentional. :/ Not that that matters much. I know I'm way too dependent on him for everything. If he's happy, then I'm happy. If he's upset at me, even if it's just a smidge of upset over something, I wilt like a trodden flower. I don't think that's a good thing.
  9. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Not feeling emotions sounds quite pleasant. But not always good I guess.

    If you have feet issues try it once maybe see if it makes problems worse?

    Shower before bed sounds good, and as you say it will help you set a time for sleeping too.

    Hope your migraine lets you sleep. I am in UK, its mid morning. Maybe you should try to sleep?

    It does not sound good, you being not a leech but very sensitive to how he feels toward you.
  10. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Yeah...it's good for around my aunt, though. She tends to say really hurtful things. :/

    I'll probably end up doing it regardless, I mean--I'm kinda bad about that, I'll push myself too far, but tbh, I hate my feet, I hate my disability, and I ignore it as much as possible. Which...is probably not the best thing to admit. And I didn't realize I felt like that quite so strongly. :blink:

    Yeah...and yeah, it's almost 4 am. I meant to be in bed earlier, but my aunt wanted me to take a "what kind of dog is suited to you" test. :p Apparently, a bichon frise? Cool. She got that too actually.

    I am...very, very sensitive toward how he feels, yes. I worry constantly about it, that even though he loves me, I will be too much for him. I've told him I'm broken and a fuck-up, that's what he's getting unfortunately...I don't think he wants to deal with that, I mean, I can't see why he WOULD...but I'm terrible at showing my love etc. without looking/sounding terribly awkward, too...I'm not good at showing things at all...
  11. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Sorry your aunt is hurtful, must be hard. Can you plan to move out at some point?

    It's normal to hate the fact that you are disabled I would think. Its good to push your boundaries but please do not make your problem worse.

    Is your aunt planning to get a dog? Would you like that?

    Please do not describe yourself as broken and a fuck-up, you have problems but you are fighting them, trying to get better and I hope he supports you and understands how hard you find showing affection.
  12. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    I want to very much. But it involves getting a job. Which I cannot seem to manage to get. :unsure: If it's not my laziness, it's my anxiety. I can't stand being around people I don't know, it makes me extremely nervous and sometimes gives me panic attacks. I'm sure that's an excellent quality for a job-seeker, eh?

    I guess I try not to make it worse, but...I hate it. I'm a bloody cripple. >.<

    I would love if she got a dog, I'd have someone to snuggle and help take care of, and it would take my mind off a lot...and the littles especially would LOVE a doggy.

    He...doesn't, really. I can show affection like say I love you or I would be a total snuggle bunny in person, but like...the other stuff, the stuff that shows you care about their day or you care about them because you KNOW them...I mean, I do know him, I know his personality, I know a lot of this, but because we're so spacey a lot, it goes flying into the memory hole, or I can't connect the dots, or it just becomes very very awkward-sounding when I don't mean it to. :unsure:
  13. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That sounds like Social Anxiety. Sounds bad. But if you can build up your confidence slowly you will improve I am sure.

    You do not sound like a cripple. Do not put yourself down, others will do that enough.

    If she does get a dog, maybe that is another way you could help you aunt as well.

    I know what you mean about just being good with words and talking to him, but again practice and try to ask things daily and it will become normal. He knows your issues I assume so he will understand.
  14. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    I do have social anxiety. It hasn't really been getting better. I don't know how to make it better without therapy. :/ And all the therapists in this town suck. I'd rather not be made worse or told my alters don't exist. It's massively unfair to them when they're the ones who are basically the reason I lived through my childhood.

    I dunno, I just call myself a cripple before others can, I guess. Sorta like a coping mechanism. Although I don't actually mind being called a cripple that much.

    We would LOVE it so much if she got a dog. I keep wanting to go to my parents' house just to see the dog. He's a German Shepherd and I love him muchly. <3 I need pets around apparently. Especially cuddly ones.

    He does, but it hasn't ever really changed over almost 5 years...I try, but I mean, I suck at this, and I'm not independent and he has been for quite a long time [we have a pretty big age difference], and...I don't know. I'm starting to wonder if I'm just not cut out for a relationship. ANY relationship. With ANYONE. Even friends. Because I always fuck it up somehow. Or end up too close to someone who's toxic/evil. I think I've gotten rid of all the toxic people. But that makes me very lonely...I kind of miss the toxicity, at least it was familiar. I was also thinking before going to bed how he could ask me to do anything and I would do it. Jump into the river (I can't swim) for him? Yep, no hesitation. And more. I don't think that's good, either, but I've never really told him those things...
  15. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I have Social Anxiety, I would recommend you trying Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Have you read Gillian Butler's book Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness?

    Cripple is a descriptive term I think? Sorry that you have so much to deal with.

    Hope you get a dog - has she mentioned getting one? Strange to ask you to do that test if not...

    That is SA, ruining relationships and friendships. I have neither at the moment and it is hard to make them happen.
    It's not good that you would do that for him, in my opinion. Would he do the same for you?
  16. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Oh...no, I haven't. Is it easy to get? I tried participating in this anxiety study once, but I couldn't pay attention to it. It...wasn't boring per se, but it involved a lot of writing about like "what do you feel anxious about." And wouldn't really let me say "everything" for some reason. :p I haven't ever tried CBT, I don't think. The last time I was in therapy where someone really was talking about my anxiety, it was more "what do you feel anxious about?" and him telling me how I didn't "look" anxious. Well, of course not...it's been a part of me for so long I can repress a lot of the physical symptoms on the outside. Especially around someone I'm nervous about. Grr.

    She actually really, really wants a dog--she's wanted one for a while because she loves dogs. :shelbi: We also have to move out of here by November 1 somehow, because they've raised her rent $10 and she's pissed at them. [Sort of the principle of the thing, y'know?] So she's looking at places that allow pets, or where pets are negotiable, because she wants a small dog. I really, really hope we end up getting a dog!

    PTSD plus social anxiety make relationships kind of like a mine field, I think. I'm so very distrusting of people...I hate it. I don't want to be. But...it's hard. My bf would do a lot of things for me, and has, actually. But I don't think he would dangerous or unhealthy things just because I asked him to. And I know I would. I would throw myself off the empire state building. :spidey:

    I don't know, I'm just feeling terrible about it in general. When he first met me, he knew someone who was mostly ok--immature, yes, dealing with depression and anxiety, yes...only real concern was self-injury. But that's manageable. I was trying to stop. Then we split for a few months and I end up with the (ex)bf from hell, who gives me PTSD. Badly. Then I remember all the childhood abuse. Then my bf helps me get past an eating disorder. And then my alters actually start introducing themselves instead of just being in the background. He doesn't believe I'm multiple...he's never seen them come out. I have. And I have friends who have been officially diagnosed with DID who say we're very consistent, which makes me glad...everyone likes when people outside notice them. XD I mean...it just seems like this has all piled up one thing after the another, like I'm constantly getting sicker. I probably am, I don't know. :unsure:

    It's like tomorrow I'm supposed to go down and see a friend and go to a Voltaire concert, and I'm not even sure I want to anymore, all the excitement has just been drained out of it...I really hope I get it back, 'cause everyone inside is excited about meeting this friend [she knows we're multiple and is very accepting <3]. Just...meh.
  17. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Yes it should be easy to get and I highly recommend it. It even shows you how to do some CBT techniques. I remember wanting to answer 'everything'. Its hard but you can get past that stage. May I ask how old you are?

    Hope you get a nice pet friendly place. A dog will help you get exercise as well as just be a dog!

    That sounds hard. Does he know your ex hurt you and gave you PTSD? He obviously cares about you and knows you have issues, even if he does not understand them.
    As for getting sicker, you are realising what you have, I think. Now you are in a good relationship you should be able to get into an upward spiral as it were and improve your situation.

    I hope you can enjoy your concert with your friend, and I am sure you will as she is understanding so you do not have to hide from her.
  18. Exhausted

    Exhausted New Member

    Damn...that is exactly how I feel. I just wrote a post...I'm new, so I don't know if/when it will be up...but you said exactly how I feel. The guilt is overwhelming, as is the self-doubt and paranoia. I don't want forgiveness because I don't deserve it. It's weird to really feel that way about yourself, isn't it? I don't think most people understand it...they do bad stuff but rationalize it away. I don't know...it's kinda sick...but it's comforting to know you're out there and that maybe you understand.
  19. Morgana

    Morgana Well-Known Member

    Exhausted--I'm kind of sorry that you can relate, but yep...I do understand, it's a rotten feeling but it's better to express, I think, than pretend it's not there. :3 Pretending doesn't work.

    windlepoons--I am 23. Inside, our alters range from 3-4 to ageless. :snake: Dunno if it's quite relevant, but I also sort of seem able to age-switch to 12. I can't remember if I've mentioned that or not. Sorry. Very tired.

    Hehe, yes. XD I would love a dog. My friend's brother had a dog. She ended up licking my hand and letting me pet her a bit, it was very sweet. :shelbi:

    Yes, he knows. He knows practically my every thought about the whole ordeal, plus a great deal of my childhood. I think sometimes that's the problem. Boyfriends are not ever meant to operate as therapists. It seemed/felt quite necessary at the time. Who knows, maybe it was. But I know it does not help now, not at all. :sad: It probably makes things worse.

    The concert was unbelievably epic. -flails- I got to meet Voltaire. It was amazing. My friend was nice to hang out with, too. We...couldn't manage to feel entirely comfortable with her. Not sure why.

    Also I think it has all hindered our relationship even more...why could we do things that we previously couldn't, anyway? Although with the example of calling a cab (we hate/are terrified of cabs). Our aunt seemed the lesser of two evils. I could have just lied, though. Would it have been bad to lie to her? She wanted me to take a cab home because it was after 11 when I got home. But from the gas station the shuttle dropped me off to the apartment is only about half a mile, that I've walked many times before. Granted, not quite that late. I bet I would have been fine. And anyway, an alter had to call for me, I had to switch to be able to do anything. But my boyfriend doesn't understand/doesn't believe that I'm multiple. I understand why at the moment, but it does make things difficult to explain when it comes to things like this. Because it's hard to say that actually, it wasn't me who did that, it was somebody else. Eurgh.
  20. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Wow that sounds a lot to cope with Morgana, but its good that they can help you in that way. I hope he comes to understand.

    My sister has a new 10-week old kitten. He is so sweet its unreal!

    Hmm, I know what you mean about your boyfriend, if he sees you as someone to look out for and support, it may be hard to maintain the relationship on an even basis.

    Glad you enjoyed the concert though I have no idea who Voltaire is - I assume not the eighteenth-century writer?
    Its hard to be comfortable with folk sometimes, I am never relaxed around other people.
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