Hello, I'm 18 years old. I'm writing this because well I've been thinking about killing myself for a months now and it's really just getting to that point. I guess this all started years ago ever since I first started school. When I first showed up I thought everything was going to be fun, I could meet new people and make new friends (I believe I only had 2 friends before I started school) Everyone I tried to talk to thought I was disgusting and weird for some reason. Often I was made fun of by alot of latino classmates for looking white and everytime I told them I was Mexican they brought up the ”Oh, why don't you speak Spanish then?” I never knew how to answer it at the time.(If you are wondering. My elementary school did have segregated classes, I was put into a Spanish class because of my last name) My first grade teacher noticed how I was around other kids and how I was picked on, she called in a meeting with my mom (I thought she was going to address the bully problem that my mom ignored). But the meeting was about me and how she was saying that I may need to be in a special ed class and that I should be checked for autism. I always completed my work and it was always correct, I always did what I was told, and I never had anger tantrums like other kids. It puzzled me as to why she would do that? I never did anything wrong (She ended up holding me back a grade, which led to more bullying from 2 grades now, one saying I'm too old to be there and the other calling me stupid because I was held back). The bullying continued then I graduated... By the time I got to middle school everything seemed fine. But the same problem showed up again and even stronger. People would start pushing me and hitting me... I started getting into fights. One of the first fights I got into was at P.E. Some kid was talking to a girl as we were doing our laps, then as he walks by me and pushed me to the floor. He called me a ”fucking ******” and the girl just laughed and said ”He's such a wimp, I bet he can't even do anything back” I remember this just sparked so much anger, I quickly got up and pushed him back just to get a punch to the face. I managed to get him on the ground and started slamming his face into it. The girl sceamed out ”Stop it you're hurting him!” Then a teacher pulled me off. I just had so much hate in me for everyone. I was suspended for 3 Weeks! Just because the teachers were told I started the fight! I even remember going home just to get beat by my mom, no one believed a word I said! By the time I got into high school everything did get better like people said. I still got made fun of but it didn't bother me as much anymore. I met a beautiful girl there, her and I started talking I was able to pull enough confidence to ask her out, she said yes. We ended up being in a relationship for 3 years, I even lost my virginity to her and I believe she lost it to me to. But in the summer of our 3rd year we had summer school together, I also took her to a concert (I got a crazy sunburn, didn't see her for 2 Weeks and I got kicked out of summer school). The day I went to pick her up when I decided to bring a gift, I bought her an Xbox 360. I was waiting at the school for about an hour then went to go see if she was home, she wasn't, her mom was worried. She was gone for 3 days... She ended up skipping and going to a rave with some guy from summer school. They ended up getting together until he cheated on her, me being the person I am allowed her to come back. We got both got therapists at school to talk about it... They told me to let it go and trust her, I was holding such a strong grudge. Soon like a damn sickness everything started again, she cheated on me a 2nd time! And has ignored me. I never got my answer as to why.... She just never talked to me again. Because of the stress I dropped out of school. Friends stopped talking to me, I became socially awkward again, and people just didn't like me. There are still so many things I did not mention in this such as my dad cheating on my mom, my brother being born with severe autism and my mom getting cancer. I understand that many people have it worst than me, I guess I'm to weak to take it. But the main thing that triggered this was that a month ago I was diagnosed with colon cancer... I don't know what's wrong with me, why people treat me the way they do, or way nothing good has happened. Cancer is going to cut my life in half, I don't want to live with any of this. I mainly came here hoping I can get some kind of motivation atleast from someone.