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I honestly don't know.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ocarina of Time, Jun 9, 2013.

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  1. Ocarina of Time

    Ocarina of Time Active Member

    Hello, I'm 18 years old. I'm writing this because well I've been thinking about killing myself for a months now and it's really just getting to that point. I guess this all started years ago ever since I first started school. When I first showed up I thought everything was going to be fun, I could meet new people and make new friends (I believe I only had 2 friends before I started school) Everyone I tried to talk to thought I was disgusting and weird for some reason. Often I was made fun of by alot of latino classmates for looking white and everytime I told them I was Mexican they brought up the ”Oh, why don't you speak Spanish then?” I never knew how to answer it at the time.(If you are wondering. My elementary school did have segregated classes, I was put into a Spanish class because of my last name) My first grade teacher noticed how I was around other kids and how I was picked on, she called in a meeting with my mom (I thought she was going to address the bully problem that my mom ignored). But the meeting was about me and how she was saying that I may need to be in a special ed class and that I should be checked for autism. I always completed my work and it was always correct, I always did what I was told, and I never had anger tantrums like other kids. It puzzled me as to why she would do that? I never did anything wrong (She ended up holding me back a grade, which led to more bullying from 2 grades now, one saying I'm too old to be there and the other calling me stupid because I was held back). The bullying continued then I graduated... By the time I got to middle school everything seemed fine. But the same problem showed up again and even stronger. People would start pushing me and hitting me... I started getting into fights. One of the first fights I got into was at P.E. Some kid was talking to a girl as we were doing our laps, then as he walks by me and pushed me to the floor. He called me a ”fucking ******” and the girl just laughed and said ”He's such a wimp, I bet he can't even do anything back” I remember this just sparked so much anger, I quickly got up and pushed him back just to get a punch to the face. I managed to get him on the ground and started slamming his face into it. The girl sceamed out ”Stop it you're hurting him!” Then a teacher pulled me off. I just had so much hate in me for everyone. I was suspended for 3 Weeks! Just because the teachers were told I started the fight! I even remember going home just to get beat by my mom, no one believed a word I said! By the time I got into high school everything did get better like people said. I still got made fun of but it didn't bother me as much anymore. I met a beautiful girl there, her and I started talking I was able to pull enough confidence to ask her out, she said yes. We ended up being in a relationship for 3 years, I even lost my virginity to her and I believe she lost it to me to. But in the summer of our 3rd year we had summer school together, I also took her to a concert (I got a crazy sunburn, didn't see her for 2 Weeks and I got kicked out of summer school). The day I went to pick her up when I decided to bring a gift, I bought her an Xbox 360. I was waiting at the school for about an hour then went to go see if she was home, she wasn't, her mom was worried. She was gone for 3 days... She ended up skipping and going to a rave with some guy from summer school. They ended up getting together until he cheated on her, me being the person I am allowed her to come back. We got both got therapists at school to talk about it... They told me to let it go and trust her, I was holding such a strong grudge. Soon like a damn sickness everything started again, she cheated on me a 2nd time! And has ignored me. I never got my answer as to why.... She just never talked to me again. Because of the stress I dropped out of school. Friends stopped talking to me, I became socially awkward again, and people just didn't like me. There are still so many things I did not mention in this such as my dad cheating on my mom, my brother being born with severe autism and my mom getting cancer. I understand that many people have it worst than me, I guess I'm to weak to take it. But the main thing that triggered this was that a month ago I was diagnosed with colon cancer... I don't know what's wrong with me, why people treat me the way they do, or way nothing good has happened. Cancer is going to cut my life in half, I don't want to live with any of this.

    I mainly came here hoping I can get some kind of motivation atleast from someone.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are very young to get colon cancer hun usually one does not get that until after 40 If diagnosed early which i think you have been it is treatable hun and high survival rate

    I am sorry you have suffered so much at the schools you attended and i hope you have someone you can trust to talk to hun

    keep reaching out ok here and in real life don't let the bullies win hun they will leave eventually and you will have your own life hugs
  3. ShockHouse

    ShockHouse Member

    I clicked on this because of your username. I am a big fan myself and that name brought me to your post! so nice choice on that I highly approve :) haha.
    But in terms of what you wrote, I'm sorry, life itself is such a hard task, capable of throwing us on our knees and then making us stand with the biggest of smiles sometimes. Just hold on until the smiles come again, they'll come if you hold on. Don't let those people define you, no one makes you defined but yourself. I don't know if you believe in a God, or your religious beliefs, but if you do then pray, if you don't you can still pray haha but that is all a matter of choice too. Just go get the help you need if it is needed. Please stay here and stay talking we love to help.
  4. Ocarina of Time

    Ocarina of Time Active Member

    @ total eclipse. Yeah I know that's why it was something I'm upset with. I'm going to have surgery this week, it's at a stage 0. But from I know about cancer is that it can come back :\

    There's not many people I trust, yet I seek help from strangers. I don't know why it makes me feel better but thank you.

    @ShockHouse Yeah it was one of my favorite games, I used to play it all the time on my N64. I'll try to hold on, it's just that the loneliness is getting to me, especially with the so many people around me. Well I don't believe in a God I'm an Misanthropic Atheist. Which is kind of odd that I'm seeking help. I guess I'll stay for a while I got a slight smile on my face but still dealing with the relationship thing :\ thank you
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You have had to so rough...you clearly deserve for things to turn around...you said you were in counseling before...maybe now is the time to start again...with the diagnosis of cancer, it is so important that you take good care of yourself which is very difficult when you are feeling as you are...and about your gf...those are her problems...some people clearly mess up relationships because they feel they dont deserve goodness...whatever is her problem, it is that, her problem...it is difficult, but please try to move on and find someone who truly appreciates you
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