I hope I die in Surgery

[Nonny]

I've been off-and-on suicidal/depressed for 10+ years, though I've never acted on it and have been mostly high functioning.

I need to have my gallbladder removed ... not an emergency, and I've been postponing it because I was scared (anxiety, what else is new) of the anesthesia effects.

But I went ahead and scheduled it. Because now I'm hoping that i die on the table. And I'm hoping that if I go into surgery WANTING to die, then I might. After all, they keep pounding into you that positive thoughts improves your recovery. So just maybe, if I go in wanting to die ... I will.

I'm really getting excited about this surgery. Seems like a controlled way to die, without pain, and without causing my family to suffer the added insult of me doing it myself.

I know 99.9xxxx% of these surgeries do NOT result in patient death. But somehow I've taken the prior irrational FEAR that I'd die on the table (which caused me to postpone), and turned it into a hope.

The question is, what happens if I wake up, alive as ever, after hoping to die on the table.


It's odd ... I've been cleaning my drawers, organizing my stuff, etc. in preparation for this operation. Like anyone's going to care what my underwear draware looks like once I'm dead ...

 

[lifesux]

I had a similar experience. Several years ago I also had a low death rate procedure done. I felt like you, thinking -sometimes hoping that I would pass on the surgery table. I even made out a four page will and last testoment. After I got home from surgery - and felt good I was alive-I tore up that 4 page letter. I hope everything goes good for ya!

 

[joce]

You can bet on it that you won't die. They'll probably tell you you're a fit and healthy specimen and will until your 100. I've been there too. Funny old world where people dream of dying but depression does get you like that. Please try and talk to someone about it or keep posting on here. I don't know you but really hope you get well again.

 

[SadDude]

when is your surgery?