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I hope someone cares enough to read this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Uulanda, Aug 7, 2010.

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  1. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member


    So I suffer from OCD, Aspergers and early onset Psychosis. (All diagnosed) To be honest I permanently feel like I'm thinking through treacle; I feel no real connection to reality anymore, although I never really have.

    I have a girlfriend, and you may think that that is something you wish you had but she doesn't love me, she uses me for money and a shoulder to cry on and then makes me promise that I will never talk about my problems to her again.

    I used to be able to at least trust myself, trust my own brain but thats not true anymore. What with a combination of OCD and early onset Psychosis, I cannot believe anything is honestly true; I don't know if I'm dreaming or if this is just some kind of sick joke.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again, by 20 I am definite that I will either be dead by my own hands or be locked away. Right now I could use being locked away to be honest, I feel like I want to kill myself and the best bit is on top of that I have a feeling that I want to kill others. Who knows if its my OCD but I know that it won't be long before I snap.

    I cannot talk to a therapist again, I've done therapy for so long now and I hate every moment of it. It's not just the therapist either, I've seen others and none of them know how to react to me. If I told them of what I was thinking ALL OF THE TIME they would call security and the police in a heartbeat I am nigh on definite, even though they are trained to help the mentally ill they wouldn't be able to comprehend on any level what resides in my brain.

    I figure if I at least kill myself then that way there is no way I could injure anyone and I wouldn't have to go to therapy. I don't care that it would be painful, I just want a way out.

    I don't honestly expect anyone to help me with this however; every help forum I post on I end up getting not a single response to almost every single one of my threads, while other threads get multiple replies in the first hour of being up. I don't see why the world has something against me. Fuck the world, fuck everything.
  2. Lauru

    Lauru Well-Known Member

    Please don't give up. You are young still, and with the proper treatment you can get better. Are you on any meds? There is a therapist out there that could help you, try sharing with them your thoughts and then they can better help you. You may have to go inpatient for a while. But I've done it many times and have always felt better coming out of there than when I went in. I too am feeling really suicidal, so I understand the mindset you are in. I just want out too, but I haven;t completely given in yet. My pdoc is changing my meds and I may go to the hospital as well. I am trying. I hope you don't give up. Sending you all my best wishes and support.
  3. Dragon

    Dragon Staff Alumni

    Hey there-

    I'll come right out and say that I don't have any suggestions of how to help you that don't involve therapy or seeing a doctor, but I wanted you to know that I read your post and thought about what you wrote.

    If your girlfriend is using you then she doesn't deserve you, and if you feel you can, I think you should get yourself away from her.

    I'm online a lot of the time so if you'd just like someone to talk to, then feel free to PM me. I hope you'll stick around on the forum and hopefully other people will be able to offer you more suggestions than I could. :hug:
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    As Carpe Diem said, I don't necessarily have any suggestions, but I'm around a lot and always willing to talk. So feel free to PM me anytime.
  5. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Hey Uulanda.

    I'm going to try and take a stab at something, so please don't jump on me if I am totally off base here.

    My best friend's boyfriend also has Aspergers (and other various issues). I have been told that, in general, people with Aspergers have a more difficult time with certain social skills, like being able to "read" people. I have noticed that this holds true for my friend. For instance, I can tell my friend that I like him, and he completely does not believe me. Or he has difficulty telling when I am joking or being sarcastic.

    I'm not trying to paint you both with the same brush, because you are two different people. I only wonder if part of your difficulties are made worse because of the Aspergers?
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Matt and welcome to SF. I really hope that you can get the help that you need before you 'snap' and go on a killing rampage. You don't have to tell your mental help therapist that you're feeling suicidal or homicidal, just say that you think it would be best if you were voluntarily sectioned in the mental hospital for a little while, so that you can sort things out. I think it would be best for everyone if you got some professional help. :hug:
  7. Uulanda

    Uulanda Active Member

    Thank you for all your messages, I am honestly surprised to get them.

    I'd talk to those that offered but sadly I don't feel comfortable talking to people about any of these things all that much (one of the reasons I hate therapy so much).

    I just really couldn't handle going back to therapy and I think I would be just as bad in inpatient care to be honest.

    I really don't know what to do to be honest, I cannot talk to anyone near me about it (my one and only friend I have is ignoring me right now for reasons I cannot fathom) and I can't even trust my own mind for long enough to be able to talk to anyone not close to me about it.

    I'm on medication at the moment, Fluoxetine for depression and OCD, but it's not really helping and the stress of talking to the doctors about changing it, then getting my parents to go along with it, and explaining it and the like, when quite honestly I cannot tell if any of this is even real.

    I don't want to go through the above to get medication for anything else either, it really is so difficult and just so painful to do, I wouldn't want to have to go through it.

    This is all so stressful and I am getting no support from anywhere except from online. Even then it's too distant talking to people that far away from me, and no-one seems to understand me anyway. Imagine seeing things, hearing things and feeling things that you can say are 100% there, and yet aren't. It's hard to imagine but its enough to make my head spin.

    Part of the whole problem of this is that despite my Aspergers, I am good at hiding emotions. I've spent years on the sidelines watching peoples actions and reactions and I still do not get it completely, or at least I don't get it instinctively. I have to think if something is appropriate or not, and that is so hard I just avoid talking to people, which is good enough for me. If people make fun of me without even knowing me, how would they react knowing how insane I am on the inside.

    The best bit of all of this is I have plenty of time and ways to kill myself, no-one is around in the day to check up on me and even when they get home they don't even think to say hi. I hate doing it but I still say hi to everyone in the house when I get home because I'm told thats the "polite" thing to do. Yet no-one feels I need any respect or anything, not that I know the difference. I'm just a crazy kid who doesn't understand anything.

    To be honest I'm just sick of it. I'm not sure if I'm not ready for this world or vice versa, but its one of the two. I just don't fit in here, and I never will. Why else would I come into this world so accursed and rotten despite being so young?

    I've been told to kill myself my multiple people on multiple occassions as well, I figure I may as well take people up on the offer one of these days.

    I really am going insane aren't I.
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