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I hurt so bad

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Where do I begin. I feel like I have to write down my feelings. I guess its kinda like I am talking with someone about what I am going through. I don’t have anyone to talk to about things so I guess this is kinda my own personal little therapy session. I started going back to XXXXXXXXX for processing groups because I feel like I am losing control and I really need to talk to somebody but I really haven’t gotten to talk. I mean I have had opportunities to raise my hand and be heard if I wanted but I never really been one to start off . I kinda am the type that needs to be called upon to get me started and then I slowly get on a roll and voice my feelings. I also kinda hide my emotions and perhaps people might not realize how dire I feel. But at the same time it’s pretty easy to see that something is wrong probably but I guess I put off the vibes that I don’t want to be talked to or maybe I am kinda intimidating and so people avoid me or something cause they aren’t sure whether I am mad or sad or what. I don’t know but I feel neglected and I guess a little feeling sorry for myself. Ouch that’s hard to say to myself but it’s true. I hate playing the victim role. Not that I do it on purpose but I find myself analyzing my actions and emotions and realize that that’s what I do. But it’s ok because my feelings are valid and I have learned that it is ok to have feelings that that aren’t always flattering. I mean I grew up in a way thinking that when I have feelings of selfishness or whatever the non-flattering feeling might be , that it isn’t right to feel that way so I would finds ways to dismiss them and try to “feel” what I am supposed to “feel” according to others. I am disappointed in JXXXX JXXXXXX who is a counselor at XXXXXXXXX because I contacted her last week and told her that I am very troubled and she said we could meet and talk, but then I enrolled in groups instead and so far haven’t really talked at all. Today was really hard cause I had a very very tough weekend and I went to classes today and others had a lot of processing to do and I fealt as though my issues were’nt as important. I mean they are as important to me, but I felt as though others wouldn’t think my issues were important. I know I am rambling and my thoughts and sentences might be somewhat confusing, but this is what I need to do. I need to write my feelings down as they come. I am so over analytical that it is exhausting just trying to process and cope with my feelings all day long. I have so much emotional pain. I guess I have always had more emotional pain than I thought but it has all come to a head because of the troubles and trials that have occurred since AXXXX and I have been together. This is because I am so deeply in love with AXXXX. I mean I have never loved like I love AXXXX. I never knew what love is I guess because I Never knew Love, real true genuine, to die for love could be so powerful, so overwhelming, so emotionally deep. I mean I have loved before but never ever like I love AXXXX. So the reason I say my pain has come to a head is because when this love for AXXXX is threatened or I feel insecure or like I might lose her, it makes all my feelings and pain magnified like never before. I mean magnified a 1000 times, you know , to its extreme I guess is what I am trying to say. Now to try to breakdown my feelings and pain and analyze how I got here, and why I feel the way I do, there are two points for me. There is life before AXXXX, and life since AXXXX. I have to start with the later first because while I never had my “before AXXXX” pain in check, ha, that’s funny Jeff, I make it sound like it was no big deal before. Believe me it was, it just is because from my current point of view. I have felt desperate and hopeless before, but as bad as it was, it wasn’t even close to the desperation and hopelessness that I feel now. It’s such a catch 22 for me because AXXXX keeps saying that I need to get better for “the right reasons” and that I shouldn’t be trying to get better because of her or for her. But that is exactly why I am trying and wanting to get better. People say you can’t live your life for someone else or you can’t rely on someone else to make you happy. But that is how I feel. AXXXX makes me happy. AXXXX IS my reason to live , my reason to keep going, my reason to get better. And right or wrong to live for someone else, THAT IS HOW I FEEL. So they are valid feelings. I can’t help how I feel. I love her. She is everything to me. So the catch 22 keeps going and going. What I know would help me get better is the very thing she wont give me. I can and would get better if she would love me, and show me love and affection. But that is the very thing that she wont do. She says I need to get better and be happy and get my shit together in order for her to feel like she can or wants to show me love and affection. But I feel hopeless and depressed and like I cant get better unless I have her love and affection, because that gives me hope and a reason to be and get better. What a HUGE catch 22. Its like a vicious circle that has no end. I am 41 years old, I feel ashamed and embarrassed for how I have made her feel towards me. I am ashamed that I have made this situation how it is. I am made to feel like a little kid. I mean I have to ask her for cigarettes and milk and gas. I am not allowed to have any money because in the past I would buy liquor to drown the pain. I mean I am a little kid. I have no independence. Everything is controlled. And a lot of it is my own fault because of the things I have done to make her not trust me. So how do I change this all. How do I get better when what I need to get better she wont give me. How do I rebuild the trust? I mean in order for me to rebuild trust and gain some security I need to be given some latitude. For example leaving the cigarettes on top of the fridge instead of her keeping them in the safe. Little things like that so that I can prove myself trustworthy. I mean if she wont give me some latitude and release the reigns a little bit how can I begin to show her signs of trustworthyness. AXXXX if you read this I am not totally blaming you. I because of my actions have done this to myself and I understand that. I am just trying to figure how to get better and rebuild the things that I have broken. I try talking to her so that I can understand where she is coming from on certain things. Like if she gets mad at me for something I try to stop right then and there and try to understand what I did, why she is mad, and what I could have done differently. But she tells me to shut the fuck up, just drop it. I try to calmly discuss what had just happened but I cant get her to engage or understand why I am trying to analyze what just happened. I am just trying to figure out what I can do differently and what I can do better so that I don’t keep repeating the same errors or actions. She has such distain for me that I don’t get any respect at all. Nothing I do , nothing I say has any legitimacy because I am no longer respected in anyway by her. Anything I say is “just words” anything I do is just “schizo”. There is no foundation for rebuilding as long as I am not respected. Without even just a little bit of respect nothing I do to try to get better matters to her. How do I overcome this? How do I create a place to start rebuilding? There has to be some genuine respect and communication to make things better. She would just say “then find someone else” “leave then”. That is not what I need to get better, and that is the last thing I would ever want. I love HER. I don’t want someone else. I will never be with anyone else. I couldn’t…she is everything I could ever want. I know things have been seriously fucked up and it is my fault. But I know there is a deep love there. I know that if we work on it together this relationship someday will be as strong as any. I know the ability and goodness I have inside of me and deep down I know that she knows it too. I just want one more try of really making a commitment to TRY together to make things better.Not a half assed attempt or a “I don’t really care” attempt, but a genuine “ok, lets try with all our might one more time to try to make things better”. With that I could really be able to come to terms with a lot of my pain, and look forward instead of behind. I have learned so much, I just now need the opportunity to put it to work make myself better, finally let go of the history of pain and let the Jeff that I know is inside come out and make AXXXX proud of me, make the family proud of me, and make myself proud. Ok, I need to try to get some sleep. Wow good job Jeff. That is some hard shit trying to think, cope and type all these feelings down. It is hard putting confused feelings into words. I feel the better for it. Hopefully I can and do more of it. Get some good sleep. :]


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Hi there Jeff and welcome to the site :smile:.

I am glad that you feel a bit better for getting your thoughts and feelings out in a post. I'm sorry that you are feeling so unhappy and confused at the moment :hug:.

Please don't take this as a criticism, will you, but people find it easier to read long posts if they are split up into paragraphs. So maybe it would be a good idea to try splitting up your future posts a bit :smile:. I know that it's helpful to write out your feelings in a stream of consciousness like you just did, and you don't want to think about paragraphs and stuff while you're writing it. But if you can, then before you hit 'Submit' just try breaking it up a little. You'll get more responses, which is usually a good thing to get :smile:.

What is your relationship with this woman? I take it you are living together - are you married? How long have you been together? It must be hard not to feel trusted by her - but you say it's your own fault... what is it that you have done wrong? You won't be judged here, so feel free to talk with us openly :arms:.

Can you be specific at all about what your mental health issues are? I mean, if you are receiving therapy of some kind then you have probably had one or several diagnoses in the past (be that depression, a personality disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia... whatever). (Of course, we all know that a diagnosis can be incorrect, and I don't think it's the most important way of looking at things, but it would probably give us a good starting point.)

Keep talking to us about how you feel. We are a very supportive bunch around here, and hopefully we can be of some help to you.

Take care :hug:,

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