I hurt

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pisces1, Feb 11, 2014.

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  1. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    One can fool the brain but not the heart. If I would have know six months ago what I know now I would have made dam sure I would not have lived. I did not plan it so I screwed it up just like everthing else in my life. I cannot the stand physical pain that comes with not wanting to live anymore. This hurts to much
     
  2. Toobler

    Toobler Member

    I know that pain and hate the very idea of you, or anyone else for that matter, experiencing those feelings. I wish I had the power to take away your pain but I don't (being as I am as much a f*ck up as anybody else here). Sending you much love anyway. I know that's unlikely to make you feel any better whatsoever but it's all I have to offer, I'm afraid. Apologies, and I really hope you come through this.

    Smiles, hugs and all that malarkey.

    Toobz XX
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Pices, I am so sorry that you are in this much pain. I can only hope and wish that this pain will be lifted.
    You are a good person. With a good heart. Even though I understand how the heart can hurt so very much.
    I do not know if my words help even a tiny bit. But I did want to say them. :hug: for you, and for your heart
     
  4. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Toobler~ Flowers
    Thank you . I cannot even begin to tell you how much your words have touched my heart. :love_heart:
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi hun, I think most of us on this forum have experienced this sometime in their life. You can get better with the right support system in place. I for 1 am glad you are still here, you are a lovely person :hug:
     
  6. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Music~ Thank you so much.
    I will never get better as I do not have friends and my family no longer speaks to me. All I have is a very cruel spouse. Sometimes I think my pain comes from being alone but in reality it comes from knowing I am a failure as a human being. Thats why I cry myself to sleep everynight and the reason I want so badly to just die. I am a worthless pathetic stupid person who has spent her life being everyone's punching bag. I just want to know how to deal with this pain. I cannot face going back to the doctor or hospital as they to just showed me I am nothing worth helping. One time a year or so ago I went to the e.r.. I gave them the meds I was going to take. I begged them to help me. Two days later they sent me home, but not before giving me my meds back. Ten days before I tried to die this past august I went to my doctor. He knew about first two e.r. visits. He knew I was suicidal. I sat there with tears running down my face asking for help. He upped my one med. The one I used ten days later. It is not one a suicidal person should have. These people see what I see in the mirror. I think they just wanted me to finally quit bothering them for good.
     
  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry the world has so many ignorant and dangerous practitioners in it. But I promise you that these people are not a reflection of who their clients/patients/victums are. These practitoners are candidates for malpractice amongst a sea of members of our society who will alll too easily turn their backs on people in need. It is part of a collective malaise of our society. There is a lack of compassion and humanity for those in need. This is society's illness. It is not a reflection of you. Or of so many other people who are treated so poorly by the psychotheraputic system when the people reach out. Yes there are some who are good. But there are way too many who are dangerous. Please try to not allow them to define you.

    When I was young I took on the definition of myself that was given to me by my mother. It was a very unfortunate definition. Then I found others who reinforced this definition. But it was mostly I who has reinforced it. I call it the warped mirror syndrome. And it is not referring to my physical self. But rather how I view myself as a human being. And it came from mirroring that was twisted and sick. I know this. And yet it has been so reinforced by myself and some others who I choose to be around that I am often quite convinced that those who define me in negative ways are perfectly correct. I do not know if you relate to what I am saying. But I did want to offer it to you as a possible suggestion that how you are viewing yourself may not be correct at all. I personally do not agree with you one tiny bit about what you have said regarding yourself. I think you are a good person who deserves good kind people around. whew that was a very long way of saying I think you are a good person who has been defined incorrectly and treated very badly ! :hug: ( I must learn to be brief. Perhaps that will be a goal for my next lifetime)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2014
  8. PatriciaAHunt

    PatriciaAHunt Member

    All I can say is.. (hugs) lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  9. Toobler

    Toobler Member

    Sometimes it is impossible to separate these two emotions / thoughts, as each one leads to the other and back again in a never ending vicious circle (at least is can for me). Feeling alone leads to feelings of failure, and feelings of failure leads to isolation. And so on and so forth, towards a spiral of hopeless descent. I don't know, or necessarily understand, your particular situation, but I do know, and can plainly see, that you're NOT a worthless or pathetic person. You obviously feel (and hurt), but you show eloquency and passion in your reflection of these feelings, and this resonates as strongly as it would through the words of any artist, genius, or anybody else who feels and experiences life feelings at it's base level.

    I don't know your relationship with your family or spouse (and it would be naive and misguided of me to pretend otherwise, or offer advice in this respect at this point) but there are definitely people here who care about you. I care about you. Regardless of whether or not you think you are worthy of being loved. Friends take many forms, and some of the people I consider to be closest to in the world are people I have no contact with in thr physical world. I will gladly be your friend, if you'll let me, and many others here would feel the same.

    I wouldn't dream of telling you what you should, or shouldn't do, in life. But there are people who care. I hope you can see that. I wish you all the best, today, tomorrow and always.

    Toobz xx

    p.s. As for doctors, they can range from the useless to the competent (but totally disinterested), all the way to the (incredibly rare) well-intentioned-but-hopelessly-overworked-and-disillusioned. Apparently there are also a few good ones, but they tend to charge upwards of £900 per hour, are generally tied up with the treatment of dull and vain D-list celebrities, and also fall well short on the 'well intentioned' quality mentioned earlier. My own GP couldn't prescribe their way out of a wet paper bag, but that's another story...

    Much love xx
     
  10. seed11

    seed11 Member

    About what you said about spending your life being everyone's punching bag, I know exactly what you mean. When I feel depressed, suicidal or whatever, it is a feeling of defeat. Like, life is a game, and I have been defeated, so there is no point even continuing. In a downward spiral of self hatred and suicidal feelings it can be hard to remember the fact that, if your life was to become amazing tomorrow and your suicidal feelings were to go away, you would look back on these days and realize you weren't defeated at all, just knocked down. You NEED to use your great strength to try and overcome this, because in the end, you are only ACTUALLY defeated when you die unhappy. The fact that you, me, everyone here is on this forum is that we want to be happy. In a world as cruel as this, even something as simple as being happy means, in the end, you won. You have inside you great strength to overcome these dark feelings, and we are all here to help each other. :)
     
  11. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Toobler... Seed111
    Thank you both so very, very much for your kindness and encouragement. I am trying very hard to be strong and take things day by day. It is just very hard to do this alone as i have no one in my life to lean on or even talk to. So your words ,and those of others ,who have taken the time to reply to any of my post ,mean so very much to me, especially on days like today. I hurt and dont want to be here. I know i need to face reality, i know i need to get help, but i just dont have that many reason left to want to do so.
     
  12. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    :freehug:
     
  13. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Twocky.... Thank you so very much
     
  14. unionfalls

    unionfalls Well-Known Member

    I wish you did not feel this way. Just saw your post to depressedpuppy, your awesome to be able to give comfort and support while feeling so bad yourself.
    :freehug: You are not alone here, I am glad you are here.
     
  15. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Pisces1, life is tough as we struggle. At the moment you inspire me with your struggle and what you post. I hope you have a better day and take care. For me, it's another day I have struggle but like everyone it take time and with the help of this forum I shall get there one day. You folk continue to inspire me to live for each day and I cannot thank you enough from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for reading my post. Respect to Pisces1 for this post.
     
  16. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Unionfalls~ incrisis99
    Thank you both very much. It is because of responses from you and others that I have been able to make it through some very painful days and nights. Each day is a struggle, but for each one I get through I learn something new about myself and better coping skills. I also feel a renewed sense of strenght. I am having a peaceful day today and for that I am very thankful . I HOPE that I will be blessed with a few more good days before I go back down the rabbit hole. Lol.. I do also hope one day I can be more supportive of others on here who are struggling as I am, even if it is just giving out Hugs. As much as I hurt it saddens me to see others feeling the same pain as I do. :grouphug:
     
  17. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm so glad you posted, that really helps me knowing I helped someone. That's has made my day worth living. You are very welcome and I hope each day gets better for you. Remember you are not alone and just keep posting your thoughts and feelings. Take care and respect. Remember I thing, you posting are aspiring to me....
     
  18. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Pices, you are a good person. I know this. So many of us feel all alone. For good reason. When we are here we are not alone. I know that the pain of being alone and in so much pain irl is horrible. But I want to tell you that you are a good person. And we do need good people on earth. I am sorry that too many good people suffer. many :hug: s for your caring self
     
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