And its too much. I need it to stop or at least abate a little bit so I can think about SOMETHING else - something other than all the bad awful things - about how broken everything is - about how I cannot FIX anything for anyone, least of all myself. I do not know what to do and I do not know how to make it better. It feels like everyone else abandoned ship long ago and I am hanging on for dear life to shreds of hope in a frozen ocean and I don't know if there is enough left not to sink anyway. And I am trying. But I am exhausted by kicking for a surface that feels to be covered in ice - I don't have the energy to do it alone but there sure as hell isn't anyone to help. I can't break through and the pocket of air I'm surviving on might be enough to keep me alive but its not going to keep me from freezing. I hurt so much that I can't even name it any more - I can't point to the painful things and say "that" - I just know it hurts and I need it to stop. I want to fall asleep without crying myself to exhaustion to get there. I want to be able to listen to music. I want to stop feeling this insidious burning resentment of everyone in my life who is happy. I hurt. And I want it to stop.