I am sorry you are hurting so much at this time. Calling a hot line is a good idea. Also, reaching out to us and sharing with us your thoghts and feelings can help sort this out.
Suicidal thinking is a lot like obsessive feeling. It's an intrusive thought that keeps pestering us over and over.. its relentless and frustrating. But with all obsessive thoughts is has a shelf life. That is, if you can tolerate is for a while, maybe an hour or more, you can get through it. Like all obsesive thoghts the more you try to avoid it or poush it away the stronger it gets. rather, admiting to yourself and us that you ar having them, knwing most of us on this website understand and can relate to your delema, and that you and I both know death is NOT the aswer.. its just a belief or perception. This belief or perception is born from depression/ anxiety.
How are you doing? Have you been able to distract your thoughts from suicidal thinking to something else? Have you been able to put the thoughts behind you? have you called a hotline and received intervention?
I agree with the person who said those hotlines suck. I mean, sure they may offer some short term fragile sense of stability but in the long run they don't accomplish anything except for momentary comfort. <mod edit: bunny - encouraging illegal activity>