I just almost did it.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by curtn34, Mar 11, 2012.

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  1. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    But I stopped. I didn't go through with it. It was the strangest feeling, I've never gotten that close before to doing it. It was such a quiet moment. I hate myself and I hate my life. I hate everything about it. I stopped out of fear not because I didn't want it. I don't know what to do.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Why do you hate your life? Here if you want to talk.
     
  3. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    Thanks. :) I most certainly could use someone to talk to. I hate my life because I feel stuck, I have no real friends, I can't find a job, I lack motivation, I'm scared of the world, I'm heartbroken, and I basically just hate everything I am and everything that my life is.
     
  4. fake.smiles92

    fake.smiles92 Member

    I know exactly what you mean. I want to do it more than anything. But I'm just too scared. I don't want to fail. I don't want to not do it right... Then I'll feel even more depressed. I completely understand.
     
  5. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I am so close to doing it. I cant stand being stuck in my own head anymore. I can never escape the negative thoughts or the thoughts of him. I'm broken.
     
  6. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    It is indeed a horrible feeling to go through, when you find yourself standing at that precipice, not really afraid of stepping off into the unknown, but too afraid to look back at what you would be leaving. I have been there a number of times and can tell you that you will always get that feeling when you are about to take your own life. I would not call it cowardly that you did not go through with it - in fact that you are still here shows you are much stronger to keep on fighting a fight that you are unsure will ever end!
    That alone should tell you that you are not "broken." Wounded, perhaps, but still very much alive.
     
  7. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I'm mostly afraid of the pain of it all, the physical pain I mean, as I have not found a way to do it that is painless, there would be immense physical pain involved. Also, finding the right moment is hard. I am almost never home alone and what is the point of a suicide attempt when someone could possibly put a stop to it? Thank you for the reply, but I don't think I'm strong at all. It doesn't take much at all to destroy me, that is if someone wanted to, not that someone hasn't already. You may say that I am strong for being here but it doesn't feel like it. I feel like I'm one of the weakest people alive. I can never trust anyone again. The only people I have ever truly opened up to condemned me for it in the end. I'm a complete failure. I don't want to be wounded, I want to feel satisfied and that is never going to happen. I just wish I had the guts to do it.
     
  8. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I could really use someone to talk to tonight
     
  9. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    Everyone is afraid of the physical pain when it comes to suicide, but you should take that as a good sign: If you were so determined to go through with it, then you would not care at all for the pain you would feel at the time. That you are afraid shows that you have not fallen so low as to completely bypass that aspect of suicide and that you still have the ability to pull through in the end, however long it could take.
    Well, you might not think that you are strong, but one never does when depression hits hard. It just takes one person to keep telling you that you are strong for it to sink in and you realise they are right, because they see more about yourself and your abilities than you right now. The best thing for you to do, even though it is hard, is to continue to try and keep from following the depressing thoughts you have about yourself and believe that you have a lot more things going for you than how things appear.
     
  10. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    Thank you for responding. I'm not sure if I take your words to heart but it helps just a tiny bit either way.
     
  11. fake.smiles92

    fake.smiles92 Member

    I'm here if you need to talk. I promise you that do many people feel the exact same way as you do, including me. Even so, if you ever need you can even send me a private message if you want. Please, don't do anything without writing on here first.
    This whole site is to prevent these things. That's why we're all here. That's why we respond. Why we try to help. We are all different people but we all have similar feelings. We are all in this together.
    Keep your head up sweetheart. It will get better. That's exactly what I keep telling myself.
     
  12. toshi

    toshi Well-Known Member

    I'd love to know you're ok. Please.
     
  13. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I'm still here, unfortunately. I almost did it again, but didn't have the guts to follow through to the end. In response to fake.smiles92, it's great that you all are here for each other and I very much appreciate the responses. That said, the fact that there are so many of us who are feeling this way, so many of us that are in pain. I don't know, it doesn't make me feel better that I feel that way as well, if anything it makes me feel worse knowing there are so many people out there suffering like I am. It's just really unfair, you know? Especially because I know that there are people out there who aren't suffering at all. I don't know. It's just unfair.

    I don't know if I've properly explained my exact situation on here, but over the past few days or so things have, on the surface, gotten better for me. I have just a job, not the ideal job at all. Minimum wage and all, kind of a teenager's job. Since I have barely ever worked in my life though I guess I'm stuck with this as my only option. I just hope I'll be able to find something with my degree and won't be stuck with this kind of job forever. Knowing my luck though, that will never happen.

    I've also recently made a friend, who seems to be making me more friends. Kinda exactly what I was looking for. I've lacked good friends in my life and I may have finally found one. I always feel a bit better when we are hanging out. Both not having a job and not having friends are two big reasons why I've been depressed for a very long time.

    The most peculiar thing though is that, despite starting to have these things, the thoughts of suicide aren't going away, they are only getting stronger. I think some of it has to do with my past relationships. Most particularly the most recent of the 2. I just can't stop thinking about it and thinking about it makes me want to die, almost violently. And it makes me cry, uncontrollably. I can't get over it and a big part of me just doesn't want to get over it. All I've ever wanted was to love and be loved and everytime I have fallen in love I've ended up not only hurt, but abandoned by people I have put my trust in. Completely cut off from their lives. I don't know.

    I could go on and on and go more into detail but at the moment my mind is in scrambles and I can't think straight. I don't know. I'm just sad, hopelessly sad. And I have been for a long time. I'm really not okay.
     
  14. curtn34

    curtn34 Active Member

    I'm laying in bed and I have to be up early tomorrow but I can't sleep. All the bad things keep coming to the surface and make me feel like nothing is ever going to be okay. HE keeps popping up in my head and I KNOW he is so much happier without me in his life, I know things must be working out for him and it makes me want to die. In my head there's just a repeated sentiment that I need to off myself and I need to do it soon because things will never get better. I want to do it and I want to do it right now. That's probably not gonna happen but I feel like I'm going crazy.
     
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