I just broke into tears..

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ThoseEmptyWalls, Jul 8, 2009.

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  1. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I will try and make as much sence as I can with this post.. I have reach a point in my life where I dont feel much of anything (emotionally that is). I dont get as angry as I use to when my husband does or says something stupid. Honestly I dont even feel mad at all, I just correct him, or yell at him if I have heard enough of it for one day. The only real emotion I have been able to feel lately is sadness. Unless you count anxious, neverous, panicky sadness as a seperate emotion...My fridge has been going to hell for the past few weeks. Everytime youd open the freezer smoke would roll. Well today it finally died on us. I got so depressed when I came home from a long day at the doctors to find my fridge oven hot and half of what was inside spoiled. I threw out over half of what was inside it. Luckily most of the meat was in the big seperate freezer. But still I dont have any more food money now and Im not sure what to do.. Luckily I had a tiny little fridge that stays just cold enough to keep things from spoiling. Im taller then it is so it doesnt hold much..I just sat down at the kitchen table, pulled off my glasses, and cried into my hands. I told my husband I wanted to (well I wont say the method but I wanted to kill myself). I explained to him I have lived thru hell and I dont want to take anymore. I called my mom who said things would get better and I said WHEN. of course she had no answer, going thru hell herself right now.. Anyways..I feel like shit..I cant look at myself in the mirror hardly because I make myself sick (my weight). I have to laugh at things to keep from screaming and chocking someone..I just feel sad.. I dont know what I was trying to get at..Im just depressed..
  2. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear that, ThoseEmptyWalls. Sometimes these things just build up, and something you would normally be able to cope with seems impossible.

    That constant "blank" feeling - or perpetual sadness - could be classified as clinical depression, if it has been continuing for longer than two weeks (I believe thats usually the time frame they go by in its diagnosis), though you may all ready be aware of this. If you haven't all ready, I would suggest you try and make an appointment with your doctor and see if s/he can help :)

    Unfortunatly, when you're feeling like this, you'll all ready know that all most people can think to say is "things will get better soon", but its almost impossible to believe them. I wish I could tell you exactly when things will start to look up. It will probably be when you least expect them to, but they will, given time. Until then, SF is here for you. It always is. Staying strong can be difficult alone, but you don't have to be. If you ever need to talk or vent, then there will be someone here to help you. Please don't forget that :)

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    A good cry is what you needed to do. I agree that you need to see your doctor for your saddness. He may put you on medication or get you therapy but don't try to fight this on your own. Dam fridge it was just the breaking point for you a whole bunch of little things adding to one big things. I hope things start turning around for you but please talk with your doctor to see what help you can get and definetly stay here and vent to us anytime.
  4. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I dont have a doctor. I dont have insurance and am unable to pay to see a doctor. I did see a Medical Doctor on a regular basis, had a therapist I seen once a week, and a pdoc I seen once a week but when I lost my means to pay for it I was unable to keep going. So I wont be seeing a doctor anytime soon.

    Yes, Im aware of the clinical depression stuff. My moms a social worker at a mental health clinic who is qualified to diagnose. She says Im scizoeffective but my actual diagnoses from another person was Bipolar Disorder, Personality Disorder NOS, Social Anxiety Disorder, Psychosis, and OCD.

    I dont qualify for free doctors services and the only place I can get in to see a therapist for free (who could push me in to their doc for free but she has no spaces available) is 120 mile trip and I cant afford the gas to go to them.

    It is hopeless...You know..I saw my mom in a whole new light yesterday. Shes suffering thru some bad times herself. I asked her what she does to keep from killing herself. She said 'I read'. When I asked her if that really works she replied 'Yes..If you get into the book deep enough'..I finally saw her as a real person. I understand why she wanted to be a social worker and work with the mentally ill...
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your mother sounds like a very caring person. She is healing herself by reaching out to others and helping them. I hope you are on medication for your illness and ask you doctor again for any support he can give you. Take care Glad you are here to get support as well
  6. ThoseEmptyWalls

    ThoseEmptyWalls Well-Known Member

    I havent seen the pdoc in about six months. I was on a special program for a while that would pay him for me. I lost access to that program probably 6 or so months ago. So no Im not seeing anyone or taking any medication. Its over $200 for one visit to the pdoc and over $100 to see the regular medical doctor. Theres no way I can afford that. Also the medications I was taking cost more for a months supply then I get in a month. We spoke about lithium at the last visit with the pdoc.. I always hated taking medications. The side effects were worse then what they were suppose to cure. I was allergic to 90% of them. I would get rashes that looked like my skin had been burnt off, Id be awake for 4 days at a time, I would eat constantly. Some of them affected my vision, some of them made me pass out, they just werent worth it to me.. Thats why I was happy when I lost that special program that paid for those things - because no one could force me to take them anymore. Its funny.. My mom understands the medications are hell on some people yet she still believes that theres one that for everybody who needs them. She tried to pull strings to get me free services thru her office but she couldnt. I would of had to paid 100 of each visit, which was impossible. She thought about paying for it for me but with the number of visits it was impossible for her to pay for. She just bought a new home, new land, new car..It would of drained her.. She doesnt even get lunch at work as it is..
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