I just can't carry on

Tonight is the night I finally end it all. I want to ask for help but I can't, my severe anxiety means I find it hard to even be seen in public let alone ask for help.

There is nothing left for me here, I have nothing in my future planned and I will not be missed. I always hear that things will get better but they never do, everything just ends up being a big disappointment.

I'm not going to leave a note for my family as I don't see the point. There's only one person I want to notify, someone who has been a good friend to me for many years. I finally met her in person for the first time on Wednesday after 6 years and wanted to tell her everything but I couldn't. I can't live with myself knowing that I will go through the rest of life unable to express myself.

I feel like my doctor has let me down, I have hinted to him that I need more help but he just prescribes me medicine and says I should go back in a month or two.

I have my method planned, I will go out listening to an album that means so much to me. I finally feel some sense of happiness knowing that in just a matter of hours I will be at peace.

 

Hey, sorry you feel this way! I think we are struggling with a lot of the same things; anxiety; I also struggle a lot to talk to people, can never get a conversation going. Expressing myself; never have been able to. Cant say what I mean and feel. But hey man,lets try to hang in there together? you and me! If you know someone are struggling with exactly the same thing, it might get better for you? I think its tough, now I am on vacation on the other side of the world and struggling even more, but I try to make it...please, dont end it, I want to get to know you

 

Hi Cowburn,

If your doctor is not listening and taking in your hints or asking whether you are feeling suicidal (or if you haven't been able to let him/her know because of your anxiety), then there are other ways to ask for help. Calling a crisis team, the local hospital, a suicide hotline, telling that good friend of 6 years (six years is a pretty darn long time), etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is you have options. Maybe talking to someone on the phone will not be as intimidating as talking to someone face-to-face or in public.

Perhaps you can write down what you want someone to know so that you don't have to say everything out loud. Also, hospitals can keep you safe, as can people on SF if you tell them you are in trouble and need help now. There are people here from all over the world.

Lastly, have you spent time in a psychiatric hospital or crisis center before? If not, it can be a pleasant experience and at the very least keep you safe.

Stay safe and speak soon,

Alex

 

Thanks for your reply. I've never spent time in either or those, I am too scared to open up and let people know the full extent of what I am feeling.

I wish I could tell my friend of 6 years everything, she knows I'm on medication and have severe anxiety but she doesn't know about my suicidal thoughts. I can't burden her with that, she means too much to me.

 

What if she cares more than you know? It wouldn't be the best idea to end things now when you never know.

 

She is happy with life, I can't risk upsetting her. For the first 4 of those 6 years we were very close even though she lives at the other end of the country. We'd stay up all night talking, send each other letters etc. She means the world to me and when I met up with her on Wednesday I wanted to tell her that but I couldn't. She's now at University and is doing well. She's the only person who can make me happy but she's moving on with her life. If it wasn't for her I would've ended it a long time ago, If I can't be with her I don't want to carry on.

 

Hi Acy,

I've done therapy before. I had 12 sessions of CBT and then they ended. I told my therapist I felt like I needed more and, if anything, it was worse. She said she'd notify the right people but I heard nothing back in relation to that.

My doctor seems reluctant to do anything but give me Fluoxetine.

 

Cowburn, is the medicine you're taking right now (Fluoxetine/Prozac) helping at all? Also, has any other medicine you have taken in the past had any positive effects on you?

 

Hi Alex,

At first I thought Fluoxetine was having positive effects but that soon stopped. I've been on them for about 3 months now.

I've never had any medication in the past, I first went to see a doctor (a different one) when I was 15 to tell him how I was feeling. He said It's just a phase and It'll go away. That led me to feel even worse about myself and I never dared go back to the doctors until last year (I'm 20 now). He referred me to do some CBT and nothing else. After that ended in November I felt really low and didn't go back to see him until May.

 

CBT really helps. It sounds like you may have Social Anxiety. Can you do the CBT on your own, the thought analysis sheets I mean?

 

Hey Cowburn the way you feel now many many people have felt before, you are not alone, you are in good company. But no matter how low you feel now you will not always feel that way. Weather the storm in the short term and confide in your friend. Trust her she will not want to lose you.

 

I did the 12 sessions of CBT for social anxiety reasons. I struggled with it though, I could never do the tasks set as my anxiety got in the way.

 

When are you going back to see a psychiatrist? Also, maybe switching which psychiatrist you're seeing (if it's possible and if you aren't happy with your current one - I'm guessing you don't like how he just prescribes you medicine and tells you to come back in a month or two) could help.

Also, Fluoxetine might be adversely affecting your mood if it's not helping (you said it's not). It's possible that being on that med might actually be hurting you. Maybe getting off that med ASAP is a good idea, and trying another medicine could help. I hope you give another med a chance.

 

Did you ever tell her how you feel? You say you can't risk upsetting her, but I'm pretty sure you doing this would. You would upset her a lot less telling her how wonderful she is. I mean personally I'd rather be told I'm fantastic than that my friend hurt themselves in some way.

 

I don't have a psychiatrist at the moment, It's just a GP I see. I want him to refer me with another therapist but he's not since my 12 sessions of CBT.

 

Dang.

Can you reach him/her or call his/her office to remind him/her to do so?

 

He seems reluctant to do anything but meds. The last time I saw him he gave me another months worth and said to come back when I've finished them. He even said next time he might give me 6 months worth and see how I go with that

 

Dang. Is there anyway you can see another GP without having to be referred by your old therapist? Or, maybe you can see a psychiatrist?

This therapist you speak of sounds like someone that you should never go back to see again. For goodness sake, hmy: He sounds like he just wants to drug you and be done with it. That's horrendous.

 

your pdoc is an ass. i've had a few like him. find another pdoc that will listen to you. its your body. get better!