I just can't deal with this anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ziva, Nov 14, 2010.

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  1. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    Ever since I was 11 years old I have wanted to die. I have been bullied all of my life, I am now 20 and am not facing it as much but it is still there. I have tried to kill myself numerous times, nine times to be exact, but failed each time, and was only caught once. The people that have bullied me would always get away with it even if a teacher seen them do it, I never once instigated any fights on purpose, I would only defend myself, and I never used physical violence. I am also epileptic, and have been since I was vey young. This epilepsy has caused many difficulties in my life, particularly recently, when I had another grand mal seizure(back in November 2008). I struck this nurse while in a seizure(I was in a hospital bed at the hospital, the hospital released me while I was still unconscious by the way, and I apparently hit this nurse whose name is xxxx while my mom was gone to get the car). We did not even know what happened(that I hit a nurse)until a week later when the cops called, saying there was an assault complaint against me and they were coming to press charges. We did not find out until April 9th, 2010 that her name was xxxxx, we were lead to believe that her name was xxxxx no first name was put in the file)until we went to court. I inquired about the nurse named xxxxx before I knew her real name, and they said there was no nurse with that last name working there on the payroll. I then wondered, "What The Hell? Is She A Janitor Or Something?" I then figured out that she could have been a student, since students are not on the payroll, and since I have been bullied badly throughout my life, she could just be some student that has bullied me in the past from high school and is deciding to make my life hell once again. I have not even met the woman, not even when I went to court, since I decided to plead guilty after my lawyer advised me it was the best action to take since I would get a conditional discharge (meaning to stay on the condition of continuing to take my anti-seizure medication, which I was already doing anyway), because the incident was caused by a medical condition. I had already been in trouble with the law once before and charged with something, and it was something non-violent, but it was stupid for what I was charged with, which I will not name. I was on the news because of the charge I will not name, and I got probation for that charge, and after the charge withxxxx, the news reported on it and my lawyer told me and my mom that he spoke with the news(he went to represent me, I was not in court the day that he spoke with the news)and told them all about my medical condition and how the courts were waiting on proper documentation from my neurologist saying that given the symptoms, it was likely that I had a seizure the day I struck the nurse(this was before I pleaded guilty, and like I said before, I only pleaded guilty because of what my lawyer said after his talk with the prosecution). The news never said anything that the lawyer supposedly told them, they never even said it was a nurse. All they said was that I was charged with assaulting a woman. This made the bullying that was already going on even worse, since now everyone was harassing me over what the news was saying. When I found out the name of the nurse and went in and pleaded guilty, I waited a month then looked up her phone number in the phonebook and called her. All I said to her was that I can’t believe after being offered the medical documents about me and my condition she would turn that down just to pursue the charge for what reason I do not know. I was not even aware that I hit her, I was in a seizure, and I told her that any honorable nurse would actually look at the information being offered to them before pursuing a charge. She has now charged me with harassment. The thing is, there was NOTHING about her in my conditional discharge when I went and got a conditional discharge for having a seizure(the one where I apparently assaulted this woman, I apparently struck her in the cheek with the back of my hand, she didn’t even have a bruise apparently! Also, she lied about what I said to her on the phone, and it’s my word against hers, and she is apparently xx years old from the research I did(I looked on Facebook and there are no pictures of her on there, you can only see a picture of some dog which I guess is her, I didn’t e-mail her or anything don’t worry), and since she has a husband according to the police report, he will probably back up her lie when I go to trial for this, my mom is making me plead not guilty, I was told by my lawyer that prosecution is looking at giving me 45 days house arrest plus 18 months probation if I pleaded guilty. I would MUCH RATHER take this punishment then have to go to trial, since how am I going to explain how I found her phone number? I actually went by intuition when I looked it up, her phone number is under her husband’s name who I didn’t know, and I guessed it was her number since it is in a town that I used to live in that made my life HELL. I doubt the judge will believe that I GUESSED that the number I dialed was hers, or that I never swore at her or anything like that, which is what she is claiming.
    Also, when I go to call the cops against a girl named xxxx who starts a hate thread about me online, they won’t do anything about it, saying that since she never threatened me they can’t do anything, yet they will charge me with harassment when they have no actual proof besides that I called on what I said, yet xxxx makes a post that is online for EVERYONE to see! This just adds to the feeling that I don’t count as a person with feelings or rights, since things like this has always happened and nothing has ever been done about it. I attended a school once that was in the town that the woman that is making my life hell lives in, and whenever I was bullied or anything, nothing was ever done, I was even shoved down the stairs and had my foot broke and the person who shoved me said “Haha the xxx fell” right in front of the teacher but nothing was done. I have always been treated like a xxxx by administration at schools despite the fact that I did academic courses, they treated me like a xxx because I do have a challenge due to a brain injury when I was born. There was a cyst growing on my brain and the doctors just put a shunt in to prevent the fluid from the cyst from building up, and this has given me quite a lot of difficulty, the cyst now covers the entire right side of my brain, but the doctors can’t remove it. Also, I am in university so do you think I’m a xxxx if I’m in university?
    Also, my ex-boyfriend xxx is going online all the time on different websites posting things about me, and getting the friends he has online to participate in his bashing, he even went on Wikipedia and made an account on there just to harass me with and the account got blocked but the administrators would not do any investigation to see if the account he made is linked to the account he normally uses, then I get blocked for cyberstalking because I edit some of the same articles as him, we like some of the same TV Shows, and I was not editing the articles to stalk him, I was editing to fix information! And then when I would get blocked for cyberstalking even after explaining my side of things(they would not even dare to listen to me, they told me to shut up, I’m not kidding, and I never once called him down to dirt on there or anything, he always did it to me, at least when I said something to him I would e-mail it to him and say it in PRIVATE where he did it PUBLICALLY, he even posted the news article that was about my first charge on something I did that I can’t say right on the Wikipedia noticeboard! He did this after they told me to shut up by the way). Anyway, I would go back on there and make a new account and edit articles that he never edited, I would edit articles on TV shows that I liked that he never watched. He would find my new username and report it, and I would be blocked for sockpuppetry, yet you are allowed to make more than one account if you do not use the other accounts that you had and if you were blocked before, according to the rules on Wikipedia! Anyway, I’m not editing Wikipedia anymore, thanks to him and the administrators on there, since they won’t look at the full story, they are only choosing to see one side, and that being his side. And, given what I said about xxx posting a hate thread about me and the police not doing anything about it, I didn’t bother to call them about this either, since I doubt they would do anything about what xxxx is doing, they would probably take his side too just because I USED TO EDIT SOME, NOT ALL, OF THE SAME ARTICLES THAT HE DID.
    Another thing happened just last weekend. I went to church and had a bit of a cold but was dragged by mom to church(even though I’m 20 years old I don’t get much say in my life, I guess maybe it’s because I’m too much of a fuck up and don’t have the right or something). I went up and took the communion bread, and went back to my seat. While we were leaving the church, this man that was not even a priest or anything, just another man in a seat, pulled me to one side and grabbed a hold of me by the arm and asked if I put the communion bread in my pocket. I said no, I was taking this tissue out of my pocket to blow my nose since I felt a sneeze coming on back to my seat. I would not be upset if a priest asked me, but the fact that this random man asked me and grabbed me so I couldn’t walk away makes me upset. No priest spoke to me about this, and I am starting to think that the words privacy and respect are nothing but fictional words, they don’t really exist from my experience. If I never had any of the other stuff going on I would not be as upset about this experience.
    Anyway, sorry if this seems like I’m saying “poor me”, I don’t mean to be, I just can’t take it anymore, I’m thinking of going to get some xxx prescribed so I can take it and then die in my sleep, I’ll use xxxx to ensure it works. I tried suicide again on Friday, I injected myself with xxxxx(I’m not diabetic by the way) but it didn’t work. I never went to the hospital or anything either. I just hope this attempt works, since I can’t take it anymore, I am sick of this. Nobody would miss me anyway, the “friends” I have NEVER call me, and I mean NEVER, not even once, and I don’t show my upset or negative side to them, I’m always “happy” when I’m around them. My mom has told me in the past that I am too much of a burden and have brought nothing but misery into her life, and my dad is disabled so if I went to live with him it would be too difficult, I would be taking care of him all the time, which I don’t mind, but it would be too stressful I think. I would get my own place if I could afford it, I don’t even have a job right now, I am just in school. Whoever said that life is too short is full of shit. Life can’t end fast enough in my opinion. I envy those who are in their seventies and up or are dying of cancer or are in war since they have a chance at dying a lot quicker then I do.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2010
  2. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    And nobody gives a shit. Wow.
  3. alco-hol

    alco-hol New Member

    Beautiful. x
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I did post an response and do not know why it wasn't saved...I am sorry things are so difficult for you now...I am sure many people here can relate to feeling so overwhelmed...please continue to post and go into chat to meet other people...Now I see the problem...you posted this twice...and I responded to the other post...J
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think the best thing to do is listen to your lawyer. the justice system is so complicated you need an advocate who will be on your side and fight for you. obviously it was a mistake to call this nurse but you can't go back and undo that. you can just have your lawyer explain things. as for the rest, i think less time online is in order. step away from facebook and wikipedia and the rest and build up your strength. are you receiving any counselling? do you have a diagnosis (depression or something else)? medications? suicide is not your only option.
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