Hello, everyone. I'm new here, and I really could use your help if you are kind enough to talk to me. A little background: I'm a 22-year-old female living in Michigan, US. I'm sitting here, crying, just wanting everything to go away. I'm so overwhelmed. I came from a household that was abusive, but never physically so. My mother and father both hated and loved each other, and took every chance they could to take all of that weird, tense energy out on me. My mother is a narcissist with Multiple Sclerosis, and I spent my first twenty years taking care of her while my alcoholic, sometimes rageful but well-meaning father worked long hours to provide for us. Not all of her medical supplies were covered by insurance, and we were incredibly poor from hemorrhaging money toward those things. I spent my childhood in a crumbling house with barely any food. I never had more than a couple friends because I was embarrassed at my living situation, and I was bullied a lot, so I never felt like I was someone who mattered. My whole family taught me that my self-worth should be dependent on how well I care for others, since my success in school and talents obviously weren't enough. They've always made me feel horrible about myself, as I am somewhat overweight. My parents just divorced this year, and I expected things to be more civil, but it really turned bad. My mother said that the stress of having my father around exacerbated her MS, and went to huge lengths to push him away, even making him sleep in the tent in the yard in the rain and cold (they're in Northern Michigan). My father started drinking more, and got angry, and both ended up abusing each other physically and emotionally. My mother's living with another man now, and my father's drinking himself to death. I used to be such an obedient, good child. I made sure, despite my complicated feelings toward them, that I contacted them often to see how they were. But now, I just don't care. I was always the adult in the family, but I'm getting so tired of seeing my parents act like children and then tell me how awful the other is. My mother has angry outbursts where she throws things and threatens suicide and is mean to everyone, then acts the victim. And my father is a downer who makes sure everyone is hyperaware of his problems and then says we shouldn't worry about them while complaining even more. I'm being told by other family that I should keep contacting them just so they know I care, but they really fucked me up. And, I'm really not into getting further into dependent, unhealthy relationships right now. Speaking of relationships, I have a boyfriend. We were good friends for a couple years while I was in the legit friendzone. Earlier this year, we decided to give a relationship a try, and at first, it was a dream come true. He's a very intelligent, sweet person, but he has huge mood swings, and he's very lazy. I mean, very lazy. He works third shift, plays video games until he goes to bed at 10 AM, then sleeps until 7 or 8 PM. When he's off, he plays video games and smokes marijuana (I do too, but it's mostly as needed in order to combat my anxiety). He's very talented, and I wish he would do something, but he won't get motivated. I was born with problems with my legs, and I just had major surgery on one of them in August. I wasn't supposed to be up for more than ten minutes out of every hour, but he couldn't even have my back then. I sat, in an increasingly dirty apartment (a nightmare for an OCD person like me), getting myself everything while he slept. And now that I can walk, I am allowed to work, but it's agonizing. I just want to come home to some clean dishes once in a while. But that's apparently too much. I have to take care of everything around the house, then deal with his fragile emotional condition. I'm tired of essentially being a mother to a 23-year-old, and I'm really tired of not knowing if he's yelling to be funny (it's not) or because he's actually mad and is just going to be awful for the next few hours. When I call him on not helping me out, he either blames it on the idea that he's still adjusting to the 3rd shift sleep schedule (which isn't really valid, since he's had the job for five months), or he just says that he really was going to do it, or will help tomorrow. But, I can't really leave him. And really, I do love him so much and live for the idea of having a wonderful future together. I have been hoping that he will be better once we get his mood issues sorted out, but I'm not entirely sure. He says he feels awful about who he turns into when he gets in a bad place, and he says that he never wants to see me upset. He is a good person, and I think I believe him. I can't decide, though, if knowing that makes it easier or harder. Even if I was committed to leaving him, I couldn't. I'm incredibly poor, you see. He pays half the rent, and I can't afford to live alone. I work part time, mostly because I can't afford a car. No one will give me a full time job because I have to rely on the bus schedule, but I can't afford a car because I don't have a full time job. I am also about $6000 in the hole in medical bills due to two major surgeries and other health problems that I have encountered over the last three years. I'm worried that I won't make rent because of these medical bills. I want to become a doctor at a teaching hospital when I get older, but I can't afford to go to college more than half-time right now, as I'm using a lot of my student loan money for rent. I have a lot of potential, and a lot of motivation to succeed, but feel like I'm trapped. I can't get enough financial aid because of the amount that my dad makes (barely 30k, so it's silly they'd think he could contribute), and I'm not remarkable enough to get an outside scholarship. I've put in 40+ applications recently, and have gotten a couple of interviews that have gone nowhere. As someone with crippling social anxiety, my current job in retail makes me claw at the edge of panic every time I go in, but I am very good at it. In a way, I don't want to leave, because they have been pretty accommodating as far as taking time off for health issues. I'm so lonely. I live in a biggish city, and since I don't have a car or enough bus money to get me anywhere but work, I'm very isolated. I can't even walk very far because of my leg problems, and my social anxiety prevents me from being able to have great interactions with people. So, I'm stuck in this tiny apartment with my sleeping boyfriend and a cat, with one friend always busy and the other 100 miles away. I'm stuck with my thoughts, and I'm so depressed that I cry all the time and can barely function. I had to miss a lot of work last week because I was really sick, meaning that I won't have enough money to pay for my bills for the next two weeks. I don't even have enough money to get to work. I just got home from work, legs hurting so much I could cry, and found the apartment to be left messy by my boyfriend. And, my self-esteem is in the tank lately, and I feel so ugly that I don't want anyone to see me. I'm beginning to feel like I've lied to everyone I've told that it gets better. It just never does. I feel like I've been doing nothing but struggling my entire life, and I just don't want to anymore.