I just can't do it anymore. (First post--kind of long)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anornerypear, Nov 18, 2013.

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  1. anornerypear

    anornerypear New Member

    Hello, everyone. I'm new here, and I really could use your help if you are kind enough to talk to me. A little background: I'm a 22-year-old female living in Michigan, US.

    I'm sitting here, crying, just wanting everything to go away. I'm so overwhelmed.

    I came from a household that was abusive, but never physically so. My mother and father both hated and loved each other, and took every chance they could to take all of that weird, tense energy out on me. My mother is a narcissist with Multiple Sclerosis, and I spent my first twenty years taking care of her while my alcoholic, sometimes rageful but well-meaning father worked long hours to provide for us. Not all of her medical supplies were covered by insurance, and we were incredibly poor from hemorrhaging money toward those things. I spent my childhood in a crumbling house with barely any food. I never had more than a couple friends because I was embarrassed at my living situation, and I was bullied a lot, so I never felt like I was someone who mattered. My whole family taught me that my self-worth should be dependent on how well I care for others, since my success in school and talents obviously weren't enough. They've always made me feel horrible about myself, as I am somewhat overweight.

    My parents just divorced this year, and I expected things to be more civil, but it really turned bad. My mother said that the stress of having my father around exacerbated her MS, and went to huge lengths to push him away, even making him sleep in the tent in the yard in the rain and cold (they're in Northern Michigan). My father started drinking more, and got angry, and both ended up abusing each other physically and emotionally. My mother's living with another man now, and my father's drinking himself to death. I used to be such an obedient, good child. I made sure, despite my complicated feelings toward them, that I contacted them often to see how they were. But now, I just don't care. I was always the adult in the family, but I'm getting so tired of seeing my parents act like children and then tell me how awful the other is. My mother has angry outbursts where she throws things and threatens suicide and is mean to everyone, then acts the victim. And my father is a downer who makes sure everyone is hyperaware of his problems and then says we shouldn't worry about them while complaining even more. I'm being told by other family that I should keep contacting them just so they know I care, but they really fucked me up. And, I'm really not into getting further into dependent, unhealthy relationships right now.

    Speaking of relationships, I have a boyfriend. We were good friends for a couple years while I was in the legit friendzone. Earlier this year, we decided to give a relationship a try, and at first, it was a dream come true. He's a very intelligent, sweet person, but he has huge mood swings, and he's very lazy. I mean, very lazy. He works third shift, plays video games until he goes to bed at 10 AM, then sleeps until 7 or 8 PM. When he's off, he plays video games and smokes marijuana (I do too, but it's mostly as needed in order to combat my anxiety). He's very talented, and I wish he would do something, but he won't get motivated. I was born with problems with my legs, and I just had major surgery on one of them in August. I wasn't supposed to be up for more than ten minutes out of every hour, but he couldn't even have my back then. I sat, in an increasingly dirty apartment (a nightmare for an OCD person like me), getting myself everything while he slept. And now that I can walk, I am allowed to work, but it's agonizing. I just want to come home to some clean dishes once in a while. But that's apparently too much. I have to take care of everything around the house, then deal with his fragile emotional condition. I'm tired of essentially being a mother to a 23-year-old, and I'm really tired of not knowing if he's yelling to be funny (it's not) or because he's actually mad and is just going to be awful for the next few hours. When I call him on not helping me out, he either blames it on the idea that he's still adjusting to the 3rd shift sleep schedule (which isn't really valid, since he's had the job for five months), or he just says that he really was going to do it, or will help tomorrow.
    But, I can't really leave him. And really, I do love him so much and live for the idea of having a wonderful future together. I have been hoping that he will be better once we get his mood issues sorted out, but I'm not entirely sure. He says he feels awful about who he turns into when he gets in a bad place, and he says that he never wants to see me upset. He is a good person, and I think I believe him. I can't decide, though, if knowing that makes it easier or harder.

    Even if I was committed to leaving him, I couldn't. I'm incredibly poor, you see. He pays half the rent, and I can't afford to live alone. I work part time, mostly because I can't afford a car. No one will give me a full time job because I have to rely on the bus schedule, but I can't afford a car because I don't have a full time job. I am also about $6000 in the hole in medical bills due to two major surgeries and other health problems that I have encountered over the last three years. I'm worried that I won't make rent because of these medical bills. I want to become a doctor at a teaching hospital when I get older, but I can't afford to go to college more than half-time right now, as I'm using a lot of my student loan money for rent. I have a lot of potential, and a lot of motivation to succeed, but feel like I'm trapped. I can't get enough financial aid because of the amount that my dad makes (barely 30k, so it's silly they'd think he could contribute), and I'm not remarkable enough to get an outside scholarship. I've put in 40+ applications recently, and have gotten a couple of interviews that have gone nowhere. As someone with crippling social anxiety, my current job in retail makes me claw at the edge of panic every time I go in, but I am very good at it. In a way, I don't want to leave, because they have been pretty accommodating as far as taking time off for health issues.

    I'm so lonely. I live in a biggish city, and since I don't have a car or enough bus money to get me anywhere but work, I'm very isolated. I can't even walk very far because of my leg problems, and my social anxiety prevents me from being able to have great interactions with people. So, I'm stuck in this tiny apartment with my sleeping boyfriend and a cat, with one friend always busy and the other 100 miles away. I'm stuck with my thoughts, and I'm so depressed that I cry all the time and can barely function.

    I had to miss a lot of work last week because I was really sick, meaning that I won't have enough money to pay for my bills for the next two weeks. I don't even have enough money to get to work. I just got home from work, legs hurting so much I could cry, and found the apartment to be left messy by my boyfriend. And, my self-esteem is in the tank lately, and I feel so ugly that I don't want anyone to see me.

    I'm beginning to feel like I've lied to everyone I've told that it gets better. It just never does. I feel like I've been doing nothing but struggling my entire life, and I just don't want to anymore.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you found us here and hope it is helpful to you to have a place to vent. You have a lot of challenges facing you and I am going to give you some ideas (I won't call it advice because really only you can decide if they are good ideas or not)

    Forget the medical bills. Do not pay them if they are making you broke- you are working part time - they cant garnish even if they decided to go to court over as there is not enough money to garnish - and if you write them a letter and say do not cal they cannot even call. You are $6k in medical collections so your credit is shot for 24 months after the last action on the bill - which includes the last partial payment- if you stop making tiny payments your credit gets better sooner by timing out the collection. Also - you are working part time- apply for medicaid. While applying for medicaid apply for food stamps if you have not. Do not put down "living with boyfriend" as then they will combine incomes- put down room mate and your half of the bills to qualify.

    Your family is your business- not other families. It sounds like you are getting nothing except stress from trying to maintain the relationship so don't. You did your time and years - walk away. If they want to maintain a relationship and mature to a point where it is a healthy relationship for you in the future they can reach out to you and prove it to you. Despite what many seem to think it is completely possible to have a full and complete life without tight family bonds and if the only bond is one of pain and obligation then you can do better without it. If you want to try again in a few years to se if things changed then great - if not all I can say I have made it 25+ years since moving out with a phone call every few years and still managed to have a happy family of my own and complete life. It is your choice and it does not have to be hard.

    If you are only going to school part time then you will get far more aid going full time. If things are not working out with the boyfriend enroll full time and in a dorm or university housing and use aid/loans for the dorm and a meal plan. I personally also do not believe that parents are automatically obligated to pay for college or contribute but if trying to get them to has strings attached just do the loans but study hard and make sure it is a realistic field like medical / nursing or something for undergrad degree that will get a decent paying job if med school gets put off. Consider a Nurse Practitioner or Physicians Assistant program where it is easy step to go back or continue medical school but can work an excellent paying job without waiting for 10 years of med school internship and residency if money is an issue.

    So far as the boyfriend goes - he may be lazy or it may be the marijuana which is known to make ambition and motivation disappear. If you are living with him and worrying about basic bills such as rent while he is buying pot I would have a real issue with that if I was you and would seriously consider looking for a new roommate and tell him you can back together when he is able to contribute- you do not have to break up with him - just tell him you need a roommate that chips in more and if he cant co that then you will need to find one that will and just date for a while.

    You have a lot of issues and problems and when trying to deal with them all at once it is no wonder you are overwhelmed. It is hard to deal with that many problems at once and you do not have years and years of practice juggling all these problems at once so try to deal with one at a time or at least focus on how to work on one at a time and make a plan for January, and next fall when school starts again and next year instead of concerns about how to make lifelong relationship with boyfriend work and how to finish medical school.... Small steps and a plan and hopefully you can start to see some ways to fix some of the problems.
  3. anornerypear

    anornerypear New Member

    Thank you for responding to me.

    I have kind of been in this situation. One particular bill has been brought to court, and they couldn't garnish. At first, we worked out a plan where I'd throw them a set amount every month, but now I just pay them what I can, because they can't do anything to me. I have food stamps, and tried for Medicaid twice, but they wouldn't give it to me. The bit about credit is interesting. I wasn't entirely sure what was the best way to salvage my credit in this situation.

    I am beginning to understand that I don't have to be involved with my family in order to live a fulfilling life. I never really told them how awful they were, partially because I knew they really did love me, and because they did try so hard to provide the things we did have. We were tight, and we overcame a lot of hardships, but that doesn't really mean that our relationships were healthy. I want them to know that I do care about them, but I can't do it at my own expense.

    I want to go to school full time, and have figured out how much aid I'd get doing that, and tried to make the numbers work. But, I'd need an additional loan, and I don't have a worthy cosigner or parents with good enough credit to qualify. I did apply, but with little to bad credit, they won't approve me on my own. I do agree with the taking a reasonable job part. I live a mile from one of the best art schools in the world, and I want to go so much, but it's just not practical.

    His money is his money and mine is mine, for the most part. He has some financial struggles of his own, though not nearly as tough. But yes, the fact that he won't clean up a tiny apartment when I can barely do it myself makes me worry about what will happen down the road when we have a house and I get older and busier. It's not really that I need him to kick up financial support or anything, just that I really, really need help sometimes. I have a bunch of errands left undone because they're for places I need to get to before they close at 5. I can't stand for very long, and yet I'm the one walking to the bus stop, going to work, and realizing that I need to do all of these things at home that I wouldn't necessarily have to if I lived with someone who cared about anything. My mother wasn't very physically capable, and I had to do everything for her. I hated doing that so much that I feel awful about asking anyone to do anything for me. I feel like an inconvenience and a burden. And I don't need to hear, "Well, I would have done it if..." or "Great, now you're making me feel bad." That just makes it so much worse, because I tough it out as much as I can. I don't ask for much, and have been so patient with his excuses. Somehow I can't figure out why I'm the one that's in the wrong. And he gets frustrated if I don't get to things right away, without realizing that he's being a douche because he could've just done it himself instead of getting angry about it.

    I think that's an important point. I just want to fast forward ahead to when everything works out, so I focus on long-term goals. Which isn't in itself a bad thing, but it makes it more daunting to deal with everything else.
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