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I just can't do it . . . but i want to . .

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Acetaminophen

Well-Known Member
#1
I've tried suiciding last night, i used a new method i found and is mostly used in japan (no it's not harakiri)

i did "it" (since we can't mention methods)
but at the moment i felt half dead, fear overtook me and i pulled myself out once again . . . (now i'm in the hospital for removal of toxins)

i was nearly there, i could almost see the blankness of death, but why did i . .
i feel like an idiot, i let myself down.

why is it so hard? i want help not on living but on conquering that "fear of death" that i have . .

i want to end now, i don't want to exist, in fact i no longer exist . .
why do i chicken out?!?!?
i just want to close my eyes and never wake up again,
eternal peace, tha's what we all want. but it's too hard to obtain . .
 

Esmeralda

Well-Known Member
#2
Survival is the most basic instinct of all living creatures. That's why animals struggle to survive no matter how injured they are. Suicide is utterly unnatural. The problem is, our heads get in the way and tell us things (lies?) like we want to die or can't take the pain any longer. This is bullshit. Humans are capable of withstanding much more than our minds would let us believe. We are also capable of hope and a sense of the soul, 2 things that probably brought you to your senses long enough to get help. That was your true self, a moment of clarity usually blocked by your sea of depression. Listen for that voice more often and maybe you will realize that it can really get better for you. I hope you feel better soon :)
 

Acetaminophen

Well-Known Member
#3
That "voice" is too strong for now, when i was in the bridge towards death
and once you are semi-unconsious your will of suicide disappears and that "stupid" instinct take over . . .
i hate it . .
i want to die so badly now.

the so called "reasons" to live and people who care about you are all a bunch of crap . .
life is an illusion, a shitty one, people are fake, fake smiles, fake compliments
fake everything . . it's all part of the idea of our modern society . .

if we take this back 200 years ago, a human's life value isn't much, people get killed every second during the roman times . . sick people just die . .people who want to die dies . .
in reality, it's all in our head, le's go back to our initial stage and see that life doesn't have value at all . . it's worthless to have, it's a waste if you ask me . . and someday i'll escape from this iillusion . . till then . .i
 

blackfire

Well-Known Member
#4
as humans we have an instinct to live. you must want to live for something or you would have been dead. you truely want to live deep down.
 

Acetaminophen

Well-Known Member
#6
I agree i know there is something hindering me from commiting suicide . .
it's not a person, i know, it's not anyone i know, it's me, i'm fighting against myself . . .

i seriously think i'm crazy and i mean really . .
i dunno now, i just want to be in peace. life isn't peace.
people strive to achieve it but it'll never happen, . .
human logic and perspectives have developed too far to be fixed
we are too smart now, to reasonable . . it's not right :dry:

methinks i'm lost . . i don't know now, i really don't
 

Esmeralda

Well-Known Member
#7
Acetaminophen:

You say you are fighting AGAINST yourself. Have you ever thought that maybe you are fighting FOR youself, for your hope of someday finding happiness and contentment?
 

Acetaminophen

Well-Known Member
#8
the thing is well . . i don't know, i really just don't know anymore . .
i'm happy and satisfied as of now . .
i think this is one of the reasons why i can't do "it"

but somehow, i'm still lost . . . thanks for enhancing my sense of doubt(idk if this would be sarcasm or true but anyway)^^
 
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