I just can't do this anymore....

I have been married for 25 years and with my husband for 28 years. It's been a very rough marriage the past 10 years. Just recently I lost a job (kindergarten aide) I loved more than anything that kept me going when I couldn't stand the general pressures of life. Now I've come to find out that I have a cyst on my pituitary gland that may have to be surgically removed. In between all of this I come to find out that my husband has been seeing another woman on Friday nights. I found this while looking at cell phone records because my bill was so high and then started seeing the same number on it again and again. At first he told me that it was just a friendship that started because they both had so much in common with problems in their marriages. Now I've come to find out they have kissed. I'm at the lowest point I have ever been in my life. I thought about killing myself when I was a teenager but as horrible as it was it was more of a "I'll show them" attitude. This most recent time I truly thought of ending my life because of the total dispare I feel. I have never been at the lowest point like I am right now. The only thing that keeps me going is that I could never do that to my children. But it's getting harder and harder to get up and face the day. Every time I see the cell phone number pop up on the bill I want to die. I used to love the spring time and gardening more than anything and now I have no initiative to do anything. I cry everyday and have to hide it from my children. Most recently I cried so hard I got a bloody nose. And now I have started to throw up when the crying gets too bad. How do I put a smile on my face and keep going on when I just want to die. The sparkle is gone from my eyes. My face has become harsh and sad. I feel so unwanted, unappreciated, unloved and just plain ugly. Can someone out there please make me feel like I mean something?
Hey jersgrl,

Firstly, welcome to SF, I hope you find the comfort and support that you really need here. Things sound really difficult for you at home right now, and I am sorry to hear that.

As you have said, your marriage has been rough for the past 10 years.. have you looked into marriage counselling, or anything along those lines? I know it's easier said than done, but it is clearly very distressing for you to continue the way things are going. Have you sat down and talked to your husband about just how difficult this is for you right now? And how hard you have been hit after discovering that he is meeting with this other woman? His behaviour is hardly appropriate, and he needs to know the crushing impact this has had on you hon. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him about it, maybe you could write him a letter? Also, and this may not work for you, I am just trying to think of as many options as possible for you, so that you feel you have a choice, would you consider a trial seperation of some sort? Just so you have some breathing space? This really isn't doing you any good at all, and maybe it would be beneficial to have some time to yourself to sort out how YOU feel, and how YOU want to proceed?

Are you on any medication for depression? I think it might be an idea to go to your doctors and explain to them what is going on for you. Medication doesn't solve everything, but it could possibly give you a little boost, so you feel more able to see the light, so you can work through these difficult issues you are experiencing. Also.. therapy for you might be helpful, if you don't partake in marriage counselling.. it seems like everything is too much at the moment and it's not fair for you to be expected to cope with it all on your own.

You ARE worth a lot. I know you don't see it right now, but you mean a lot to your children, you mean a lot as a person. You are worth support. And you have such inner strength for getting this far.

Please keep posting and letting us know what is going on for you hon. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me anytime.

Take care :hug:
Thank you for your support. I did try for years to go to therapy but his words are "I don't tell my problems to strangers". We have talked and he does know that I am hurting and tries to comfort me but it's too hard because I want to try and work it out but as long as this woman "friend" is in the picture there is no option. I'm going to start looking into therapy but I really need to find the right one. I went to a therapist when I was 18 after my Mom passed away from a brain aneurysm. She helped a little but it seemed more like she kept telling me how to feel rather than helping me get through it.

As far as the meds, I am afraid to go on them because of the side effects. I know a few have been known to up your thoughts of suicide and I am so close to that point that I don't want to take that chance. I have to be there for my kids but I am falling apart.

It makes it even harder because I can't talk to many people because I don't want them to know about what he is doing. They will continue to be friends with him even after I am gone and it is not right to tell them everything and have them form an opinion of him.

I'm just so lost right now and I know it's going to take time to get over this but I'm afraid that if something happens during the surgery for the pituitary cyst I won't ever have the chance to be happy again.

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