I just can't do this anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Sadspirit, Dec 17, 2011.

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  1. Sadspirit

    Sadspirit Member

    I don't want to be here anymore. It isn't worth it. I can never have what it is I need and want in this life. There is no hope. I was screwed from birth. Had no chance at all.

    There isn't anything to look forward to except pain, poverty, old age, lonliness.

    I need to end this...now. No one understands unless they've been where I am. It's not flawed thinking. It's not black and white thinking. It is the facts. There...is...no...hope.
  2. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    There has to be something keeping you here since you took the time to make this post. What is that something? Cling to it as strongly as you can.
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    There IS hope. And you can have access to happiness, but it seems like depression may be distorting your views of the past and the future.

    Please post some more here, we're good listeners and we care. This is a good place to draw some support and encouragement from.

    We're not judgemental, a lot of us are right where you are, or were at one time.

    Please take care of yourself, you're welcome here.
  4. Sadspirit

    Sadspirit Member

    Strangeasangels, the only reason I am still here is because I don't have my method...yet. I just found out where to get it and I have to save some money. If I had it, I wouldn't be here.

    1Lefty, depression is not distorting my views. I grew up in a physically and mentally abusive home and never learned how to be a real person. Was molested by a doctor at age 13. I've never had a date. I can talk to anybody easily but I have no friends. I am scared of my own shadow and quit college after two years because I was going to have to give an oral report. I quit nursing school because I was immersed in "real life" with "real people" and it scared me.

    Was broadsided at 50 mph in 1991. Had a severe head injury with personality change, short/longterm memory loss, mix up left and right, olfactory seizures. I got depressed and suicidal and was put in the hospital. While in the hospital I met a homeless mentally ill alcoholic/drug addict. I took him in off the streets and while he was drunk I was raped. For some insane reason, or because of the head injury and not making rational decisions, I felt God wanted me to keep him around. So I did. Four rapes later I decided not to call it rape anymore and just put up with it. Six years later he stopped drinking and the relationship became platonic. But we are still living together. He is insane and has destroyed my life. Because of his drug addictions I have lost all my belongings, my home, my family. In 1995 I was hit by a car as a pedestrian. I am partially disabled and in chronic pain from the permanent injuries. I got on SSI and then they kicked me off in 2009 because I was the trustee on my sister's estate account when she died. While waiting to get back on, which only just happened, I again lost my home and all my belongings. I want to not be with this guy (this immature baby boy) anymore, but I can't kick him out because he literally has nobody but me and I refuse to do that to another human being.

    What I want is to be free, have a bunch of friends, have a Master's degree and a career, and have a real man, a good person, to share life with. I will never have any of these things. I am 54 now and it is too late. I am not a victim. I hold myself accountable for every moment of my screwed up destroyed life and I loathe myself for it.

    I have tried three times to kill myself and didn't do it right. I won't try again until it will be 100% lethal, quick, and cannot be reversed. My method will do that, when I get it. And when I get it, I will do it.
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