Okay, so I'm posting this here as I don't have anyone I can really talk to about this issue and it's made my suicidal thoughts even stronger recently. I have had suicidal thoughts on and off for many years now and am still in the process of trying to work out who I truly am (22 yr old female). A couple of months ago I was introduced to this girl, She's 32 years old and is seeing one of my "best friends" (also female). When I first met her, I genuinely did not think of her in that way at all. Not one bit. Until one day after we'd spent some time in eachothers company amongst mutual friends, she started to private message me. At first it was genuinely just general conversation, until she started getting a little bit flirty. At this point, I didn't respond to it all all, knowing it was wrong. But over a small period of time, I really began to develop feelings for this girl. She's so funny and cute and we have so much in common. She's got a majorly dominant personality which suits me perfectly as I'm quite quiet. Anyways, like I said, before she started to show me so much attention, I didn't feel or think anything of her in that way at all. I suppose it all started properly one night a couple of months ago when we got drunk together along with some other friends. She was so tactile with me, calling me beautiful, telling me all these deep things like "I've never felt like this before" and "I want you but I met her first". At the time, these things she was saying were completely out of the blue for me as I hadn't given her any indication that I might like her. I was very standoffish as I knew that was the right thing for me to do. About two weeks ago, I was staying away from home, looking after my niece for the night and she was messaging me non-stop. Sending me photos of some really sweet things she's written about me. Over the course of the past couple of months, she's attempted to kiss me on numerous occasions and I've just had to stop her, even though it's so, so hard. She's done so many things to encourage my feelings for her, yet she only acknowledges that there's something between us 50% of the time. It's like it doesn't exist the rest. She told me last week that she feels guilty, which is completely understandable as I have been feeling sick with guilt myself over the fact that she's with one of my friends. So we decided to put an end to the whole thing right there and then, which suited me as I already felt like such a bad person. However, just a few hours later, we went out with some friends and both got completely drunk. She followed me around all night, (as usual when she's drunk) being rather inappropriate and overly tactile with me. She asked me to call her on Thursday to chat and she ended up getting a bit flirty and inappropriate with me again, but then just today we spent time together, again with mutual friends, inc my friend who she's seeing and she almost completely blanked me. Like went out of her way to be away from me which was really upsetting. It's like she can so easily affect my mood and I hate that. I'm really hoping she just stays out of my way and doesn't try to contact me as it drives me crazy when she's so hot and cold with me all the time. I know it's wrong to feel like this about her, and I do feel like a terrible person. But I just can't seem to help that she's gotten under my skin. I guess I just wanted to write this all down and rant somewhere no one knows me. I've got a feeling that she's shut me out completely now which is probably for the best. It just doesn't help that everything else in my life seems to be going wrong too, and this just feels like it. I don't really know where to turn. Apologies for the long post.