I just can't hold it in

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OffWhiteStockings, Nov 28, 2014.

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  1. OffWhiteStockings

    OffWhiteStockings New Member

    Recently my depression has gotten so much worse. It used to get like this in high school from time to time, but after I left for college I started to get better. I had roommates who were supportive and whom I loved very much. But almost 2 years ago I left the country to get my Ph.D abroad. It's always been difficult for me to make friends and I spent maybe a semester and a half without any, but then I met my now ex-boyfriend and two of his friends and I was able to get close to them. For a while everything was mostly okay. My boyfriend and I would fight from time to time and when we did I would get down but soon after we would make up and I would be happy again. But recently a lot has been happening in my life and I just can't seem to get it together. It's been about a month of depression ranging from mild and manageable to very severe. I guess I had two loved ones die, my boyfriend broke up with me, and people started burning my city down, but I thought I could hold up. But I can't. And I've been lashing out at my friends. My birthday already passed, but my birthday party is tomorrow. Today when one of my friends said something that shouldn't have hurt me, but it did, I said that I didn't know if I wanted to have a party tomorrow, I kind of wanted to be alone. After that one of them said that, "But if you continue to act childish, you might even lose the last friends you have here in Japan."
    I just can't do it anymore. I know I was in the wrong for getting upset, but I feel kind of like he threatened me. It really stings because I know my depression was one of the reasons my boyfriend broke up with me - he just couldn't take it anymore. It makes me feel so alone and it's just so much worse than before I made friends here. I just can't stop hurting other people, as much as I want to, as much as I try. I just feel like it would better if I were alone or if I was dead.
    How do I stop hurting them with my depression?
     
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