OMG I HAVE TO RANT BEFORE I FREAK
I tried to talk to my mother and best friend (separately) 3 weeks ago about the suicidal thoughts I'd been having. They BOTH blew me off. My friend told me I should be inspired to do better in my life and my mom avoided the conversation entirely. I know no one wants to talk depression...I COMPLETELY understand not knowing how to respond. But this is not the first damn time they've heard about this, I have had this problem since I was 14, I am 47 now, and I have not tried to keep it secret cause I keep hearing that the people in my life will help if they know. (FYI : They won't).
I live with this stupid depression every day. I tried to understand their reactions instead of just reacting to them and feeling worse because I tried to reach out. I took a deep breath each time and gave them the benefit of the doubt. I left it alone...AND DEALT WITH MY SUICIDAL EMOTIONS BY MY DAMN SELF.
BUT NOW....now, weeks later, my best friend's husband has left her...and she is understandably upset. And is blaming me for not responding 'properly' to her needs ....she is telling me how she NEVER gets any support. How NO ONE gives a shit. How EVERYONE deserts her every time she's depressed. As though I haven't been here for the past freaking 20 years. And she is stressing how she has ALWAYS been here for me WHENEVER I was having an issue.
I just want to say..."ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I TOLD YOU 3 WEEKS AGO HOW I WAS FEELING AND YOU PUT ME DOWN. YOU TOLD ME MY FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY WAS INCORRECT AND I SHOULD BE INSPIRED TO DO BETTER AS A HUMAN BEING CAUSE I WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT DOING WELL IN MY LIFE SO FAR'
Really...WTF. I am holding on and trying to be here for her. I don't think she understands what she's doing. But I don't know how long I can push back this feeling of wanting to run away...hide away...<mod edit -method>. Because it's not just her. Maybe if I take myself into the woods and live without people I'll be ok? I'll only have to deal with my own stupidity instead of other peoples uncaring? Not sure...but I'd like to try that instead of suicide....cause that just seems like an easy way out. I do love life..I try really hard to focus on the moment and enjoy it. It's the people that fuck me up.
I tried to talk to my mother and best friend (separately) 3 weeks ago about the suicidal thoughts I'd been having. They BOTH blew me off. My friend told me I should be inspired to do better in my life and my mom avoided the conversation entirely. I know no one wants to talk depression...I COMPLETELY understand not knowing how to respond. But this is not the first damn time they've heard about this, I have had this problem since I was 14, I am 47 now, and I have not tried to keep it secret cause I keep hearing that the people in my life will help if they know. (FYI : They won't).
I live with this stupid depression every day. I tried to understand their reactions instead of just reacting to them and feeling worse because I tried to reach out. I took a deep breath each time and gave them the benefit of the doubt. I left it alone...AND DEALT WITH MY SUICIDAL EMOTIONS BY MY DAMN SELF.
BUT NOW....now, weeks later, my best friend's husband has left her...and she is understandably upset. And is blaming me for not responding 'properly' to her needs ....she is telling me how she NEVER gets any support. How NO ONE gives a shit. How EVERYONE deserts her every time she's depressed. As though I haven't been here for the past freaking 20 years. And she is stressing how she has ALWAYS been here for me WHENEVER I was having an issue.
I just want to say..."ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I TOLD YOU 3 WEEKS AGO HOW I WAS FEELING AND YOU PUT ME DOWN. YOU TOLD ME MY FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY WAS INCORRECT AND I SHOULD BE INSPIRED TO DO BETTER AS A HUMAN BEING CAUSE I WAS OBVIOUSLY NOT DOING WELL IN MY LIFE SO FAR'
Really...WTF. I am holding on and trying to be here for her. I don't think she understands what she's doing. But I don't know how long I can push back this feeling of wanting to run away...hide away...<mod edit -method>. Because it's not just her. Maybe if I take myself into the woods and live without people I'll be ok? I'll only have to deal with my own stupidity instead of other peoples uncaring? Not sure...but I'd like to try that instead of suicide....cause that just seems like an easy way out. I do love life..I try really hard to focus on the moment and enjoy it. It's the people that fuck me up.
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