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I just can't stand this anymore.

#1
I just end up in overwhelming emotional pain every night. I'm in a long-distance ""relationship"" with someone way too ill and fearful to ever actually start a real life with me. They abandon me without warning every single night after promising they're not going to disappear and stop talking to me out of nowhere again. I work nightshift and I'm just so lonely and I barely talk to anybody but them and they keep taking it away from me and triggering me with my worst fear. I feel unwanted and rejected every single night but my self-esteem is way too low to leave and I don't know how to meet people and nobody else will ever want me anyway.
They're so good when they're good, but they hurt me every single night. I can't stand it anymore.
 
#2
I just wanted to say that I hear you. My last "relationship" was a long-distance, online-only one. I also feel, most of the time, that no will ever want my broken ass either. I have also worked third shift and know that it can make you feel cut off from the world. When you are up and about, most of the world is shut or resting. When you are asleep, most of the world is busy. Even communicating with anyone who doesn't work 3rd shift is tricky to avoid waking them or them waking you.

It is encouraging that you see that the person you are talking to is fearful and ill. I know rejection feels like it is about you, but really it is usually about them. I know that is easier to say than to feel though. I am dealing with something similar.

Your choices are not binary though. Being in a painful situation tends to steal our focus and keep it in a smaller frame. I hope your view opens up or otherwise improves soon. I am being a bit vague there because I am afraid I will swerve off into advice-giving and this is not the place for that. Just know that there is *at least* one other person out there who can relate.

I hope you feel better soon, I have no doubt you deserve it.
 

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