i just cant take it...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shezamura, Apr 26, 2009.

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  1. Shezamura

    Shezamura Well-Known Member

    im done.... i am so fucking done.... let me tell you all a story.... a story that started way long ago....
    5 years ago... i "fell in love" with this girl named Kayla....yes... i was young... yes i believed she was "the one".... well, my good old pal Samantha... always tried to help me get with her... always told me how deserving I was to be happy... how deserving I was to be with someone that would make me happy.... but no... all she did was play me... everyday at school... i would run up to her, give her a hug, and practically do everything in my power to show her that I loved her... when i look back... she was just fooling me every day.... she would say things like "if you love me, you will do such and such"... this was a thing on a normal basis.... i always did what she wanted me to do.... always.... everyday.... well, when we got into high school, we went to the skating rink... she was meeting me there... well, i wanted to skate with her, duh.. she told me she wasnt in the mood... well... i went to get a drink and when i came back, she was skating with someone... it litterally pissed me off till i was beyond my control... so i jumped on the rink... sped up as fast as i could... and at the speed i was going, there was nothing i could do at this point... i sped up even more and punched the fuck out of the wall... all that speed and force broke my hand....it was broken and i had to be rushed to the hospital... thus began this process that created a wall... a wall that separated me from anyone else.... this was my first act of suicide.... a month later of keeping this cast on, Samantha always did her best to keep my hopes up saying things like "you will be happy with her.... you will Clinton... dont give up... you deserve so much... so much more than any woman here could ever give you..." i always thought low of myself... even now... even now i hate myself just as I did then... well, October of that year came up and I went up to kayla and said "why is it that you dont care so much for me?" she replied "Clinton, i really do like you... but its obvious that it is not me who loves you... I am not inlove with you Clinton... there is someone who is... "... it finally clicked in my mind.... ..... "S.....Samantha?!?!?".... i started to shake all over.... ".... someone... loves me?"... i couldn't get this thought out of my head... it wouldnt leave my heart... "all this time, i have been looking over someone who would care about me... like i care about them?" so much time I did waste on a girl when the one who loved me was right in my face!!!!! right infront of my face!!!.... i ran all over the school to find Samantha... i searched everywhere!!!... and found she was in the library.... i sat down next to her.. she seemed really surprised.... "why arent you talking to kayla about the whole... you know... going out thing?" she said.... i looked at her "Samantha, look in my eyes" i said... she did... she was absorbing all of my feelings into those beautiful eyes that i overlooked for so long... "Samantha.... would you be with me?" i said... she was shocked!!!... but that soon faded away.... she looked down and whispered with a dissapointed voice... "Clinton... I.... I am with another... we just started dating yesterday..." CRUSHED!!!! .... i was utterly crushed by those words!!!! ... she walked away... i could tell she was emotionally broken too.... after 6 months of me hating myself... planning suicide... i built this emotional wall that separated me from her or Kayla... but Samantha... was still there... no matter how high I build this wall.. no matter how strong i kept people out... her voice was the only one i could hear..... near the beginning of april 2005, about a year later that this story started... I found out that she was single again.... this guy just... didnt work out.... well... i was still afraid for my life to ever ask her out again... until one day came up.... April 23rd....... we were in the back seat of a car on the way back from an FFA Forestry contest.... everyone in the car was tired.... Samantha let me lean my head upon her shoulder... and I wrapped my hands around her... there was a mood in the air.... my hands...slowly started to slip down her pant.... but before i went on.... i stopped myself... stopped this utter lust i felt in the air.... i looked up at her.... "Samantha.... would you be mine?" i whispered with sincerity... she closed her eyes..... smiled... and nodded..."yes..." THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!.... the most wonderful feeling ever.... the wall was destroyed and i was finally happy... for 3 1/2 years we kept up this wonderful experience of love, passion, and faith... we became actively intertwined with church and school... we were both A students... we did good things and tried our best to treat people good... and we always accepted friends.... we were like... the dream couple at school... i always played with her hair and massaged her .... she always rubbed my legs and kissed me... we were always contacted with each other... we were always smiling at each other... we were so happy.... for 3 1/2 years it was always so much to be happy for... I thought... that i would be with her forever....we planned our future together... we talked about having kids.... we even talked about how to improve ourselves and not have sex till marriage.... we wanted to live... happily ever after... that was...until October of 2008... Samantha had been acting strange for a while... i would call and she would be so tired she couldnt talk... October 18th, 2008... i was on break for college so i decided to go to augusta for vacation to visit my father..... i was so excited!!!... but when i woke up... i had this disgusting feeling in my stomach.... I called Samantha...."Hey baby, im awake...oh... i must have just woke you up..." She was still in the process of waking up... "I love you wibbles" she said to me..."I love you to Ribs" I replied.... "Samantha.... I have this wierd feeling that your hiding something from me" i said kinda jokingy..."Clinton....*sigh....... I am....." CRUSHED AGAIN!!!!! "I... found someone else..... i dont want to date him... i just... i dont think i should be with you if i like someone else...." she said.... "Samantha.... what are you talking about? .... your... your serious... arnt you?" "yes Clinton.... I am sorry..." we talked for about an hour about this shit.... I drove to her house early... as soon as we got off the phone... we talked about all of the shit that had happened..... back then...i could tell that she still loved me.... i spent that whole vacation... wishing i could do something... i wanted to die... more than anything.... when i got back that wednesday... i went to my friend, kirks house... and i jumped on the internet..... "I know all of Samantha's pass words and what not.... i need to know the truth...." i found out so much stuff... so much pain... so much agony.... I called her up.... "SAMANTHA!!!!! HOW DARE YOU DO SUCH A THING TO ME!!!! "she didnt know how to respond.. she didnt know how to act.... she was trying so hard to move some of the heat off of her and on to me, but no...i was done.... "SAMANTHA!!! ALL THESE YEARS WE WERE TOGETHER, AND SOMEONE YOU HARDLY KNOW CAN CHANGE ALL OF THAT!!!!" "Clinton, I" "SHUT UP!!! IM TIRED OF YOUR LIES!!!.. Samantha.... i am so fucking out of control.... actually... no... Samantha... im going to kill myself... right here... right now.... thank you for ruining... everything i ever wanted in life... thank you for betraying our bond... thank you for doing this to me.... " "Clinton.. please... im sorry... im sorry!...im sorry! please wait, please dont die" at this point and time.. she was gasping for air... she was having and anxiety attack...." Clinton, please dont go!... p...pleease..... ill be there in a second... please dont die!!!! please dont die!!! im sorry!!! im so sorry!!!!"... she drove about 20 miles to see me... i came down from the stares outside and went to her car.. she immediately unbuckled her seat belt and forced herself around me crying and moaning in fear, she couldnt even talk straight.... "ccccc clinton... pplease dont die....!!!" almost every word she said was followed with that choke and crying sound you make when yourtrying to talk when you are upset... it was killing me..."Samantha...I..." "Shhhhh..." she place her finger over my lips and said "just dont die, im sorry.. ill do anything... anything clinton.. just name it... i ll do anything... ill.... I'll take you back!!... ill take you back and be good this time.... ill...ill be yours all over again... im sorry... im sorry..." she was passing out from all the stress... i left the car and picked her up and carried her to the door... she needed to lie down.... "im sorry... im sorry" she whispered all the way to kirks bed room.... when i let her down on the couch, she wouldnt let go of me... she was shaking... "where are you going?.. please dont die Clinton... please.... please.... please... please.... im sorry... im sorry.. please dont die... please dont die... im sorry..." "Samantha.... im going to get you some water... she bursted out into tears.... and started crying beyond control "pppplease!!!! please promise me you will come back!!! promise me you wont die when you go out this room!!! im sorry... im sorry.... im sorry..." i did... i promised her that i would come right back.... and i did.... i brought her some water.... she drank it slowly... she was spilling water all over her self from all the shaking and histeria going on.... she placed the water down... and whipsered to her self .... "im sorry.... im sorry...." i couldnt take it..... it was tearing me apart.... i sat down on the floor and placed my head on the open part of the couch and said..."its.... gonna be okay...".... she ran her fingers through my hair..."Clinton... ill be yours again... just.. please... please dont die... please... im sorry... im sorry.... " she wanted me to live... and was willing to give up anything to make it so.... she didnt want me to die.... at about 4 in the morning... she woke up "clinton...my father wants me home... i... have to go...please.... dont die... ill call you when i get home... just dont die... please... dont die... please... please dont die... please dont die... im sorry... i am so sorry...." I told her that i would be expecting her phone call.... she started kissing me all over... my lips, my face... my forehead...my hands... she was crying again...." im sorry...im sorry clinton... im sorry..." she staggerd as she started to walk to the door.... i followed and helped her get to the car.... she looked at me... fearing for my life... she didnt want me to die... she didnt want my life to no longer exist.... two days later.... i was about to leave for work... I called her and she didnt answer... i called her several more times... no answer.... finally.. she answered.... she was on the phone with the other guy.... i told her i was going to work..." becareful Clinton... please?...." "yeah... i will try samantha.... i will try..."
    on the way to work, i was listening to Secret and Whisper... wonderful band I might add... but to this day... nothing was ment to go right... a car took a turn without slowing down... and rammed me in the side of my car.... the first thing I saw... was Samantha's face... smiling at me.... my car flipped 3 times... and landed in a ditch facing the opposite way i was going... i checked my body... i was fine....no injury... no anything... i was still... alive... i crawled out of the vehicle... and yelled to everyone "im okay!, im fine!!! check the other driver!!!!" they had me lay down... i was shaking... i stared up at the dark morning sky and said to everyone "this... was a miracle of God... my car as i remember looking back at it... was no different than a crushed soda can... I shouldnt have survived.... i kept telling all the people that were around me... "this was a miracle... i should have died... but God sparred me...".... until this day... no one knows... that I wished... I would have died from that car accident.... no one knows that i wished i would have been impaled in the heart by that piece of metal sticking out the window...... everyone... if i could borrow a cell phone... the first person i called... was samantha.... "Samantha... please dont freak out... ive been in a car accident.. im still alive and im okay.. but there about to take me to a hospital.... " she was freaking out.... she drove there as fast as she could but she was too late, i had already been rushed to the hospital.... she followed the ambulance as fast as she could to be there when i get there.. my family had already been waiting for me... but i didnt care about them... to be honest... i wanted to see her... she came in the room and looked at me with fear in her eyes... she started to cry and she came in there and started kissing me all over ... she kept saying "im sorry.. im sorry... im sorry...." when i left... she drove to my house and was alread waiting for me in my bed... she had my pajamas on and wanted to keep me warm as a i feel asleep... it had been raining that morning so i was wet... she was anxious to hold me close.... the next day... i was broken even more... i lost my car... i lost my partner.... and... now im stuck home... of all of our memories to haunt me.... Samantha started to fall farther away... she stopped caring like she did for me... she stared doing stupid shit and dated that 43 year old married man she left me for... i tried to kill myself 7 times over those 6 months.... April 23rd, 2009... was the day this "Clock Tower Prison" was supposed to kill me... i didnt though... but that night... i called her... and i told her that i wanted to get the rest of my shit... she said it wouldnt be a good time to get it.... but she held a conversation with me... she wanted to know how i was a other bull shit... i told her... "it was the wierdest April 23 of my life...." she exclaimed " Clinton... i had to stop caring whether you would kill yourself or not... i have learned not to worry about things I cant control.... so if you killed yourself... i would laugh... cause im tired of crying about it...".... how much she has changed from those 4 years... 3 1/2 years of being with me... 4 years total of me loveing her and her loving me.... now i see pictures of a man holding her hand.... not even the same guy she left we for.. a new guy... who looks like a muscle head... i doubt he loves her at all... but I cant stand to look at that picture of him being held by her... i fucking hate it.... i want to shoot myself... i gave all of me to her.. do you have any idea knowing that any man in the world can be with the woman you love... except you?.... that... is worth dieing over... cause id rather die.. than know i could never be with her again... id rather die.. than know i could never be a fucking possibility... id rather die.. than see men who dont love her... be with her.... even till this day.. i regret not dieing all those times i should have died... and all those times i tried.... i dont care if the world is cruel or unfaif... what i care about is her... and i cant do any fucking thing about it.... she thinks she has no control over my life... no influence at all... yet she has more influence and control over it beyond anyone else... even me.... if anyone would actually be kind enough to fucking help me die peacefully.. you would be helping me out more than anyone trying to stop me from dieing....
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry for the pain you're in. But I think you already know that nobody here is going to help you die. We'll listen to you, talk to you and give you as much support as we can. But we don't want you to die.
     
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