Literally everyone in my life has cared less about me than I have about them, and then they eventually leave. I had to drop out of college, then move back home with my grandmother in the middle of nowhere, and I'm no longer in contact with any of my old friends (and I was never close to many people anyway). I have no one I talk to in-person (some Internet friends of mine I have been speaking to for years are supportive and great, but everyone tells me that that can't last), and my family is not supportive in getting me the help I need. I try to be an upbeat and happy person, so they usually don't believe me. I don't know how to deal with serious emotions without turning them into a joke. I told my grandmother I was depressed, and she just told me to "read the Bible more" (I'm not kidding) and when I tried bringing it up again, she goes, "Just stop being depressed all the time. You let yourself get like this!" She was too old and unhealthy to live alone, so she didn't kick her abusive husband out until I moved back home with her, but now that her son has moved in with us, she wants me to move out as soon as possible and keeps signing me up for dating sites so I can meet people, but I have difficulty connecting with any of the people - I've only received barely literate messages and dick pics. Which hurts because it's always been my dream to meet a man and fall in love - get married, etc, but there aren't any good ways to meet people. I've had this crush on some Skype friend of mine for, like, a year, who has similar feelings of emptiness as I do, and we've always been supportive to each other and have spoken everyday. He has been reassuring to me about my anxiety and told me how I'm his favorite person to speak with, assured me he means that and isn't just saying that to be nice, and is just generally a better friend than I deserve, and we are planning to meet in a couple years, but...ah. That's a long time from now, and I worry it just isn't going to happen, despite how serious about it we both are. I kind of want to tell him how much he means to me, but our friendship is too important to risk making awkward - we flirt back and forth, but it isn't serious. It's just because some others in the group "shipped" us. We call or message privately from our group for many hours a day, and I can't lose that. My aunt I used to be close friends with and stay with doesn't like me coming around anymore, either. She has me houseit or babysit for her for free every few weeks, and then asks me to leave as soon as she gets back. I never knew my father, and my mother hasn't been in my life at all since I was a child, but she has a tendency to be verbally abusive and generally unpleasant. She had an accident and doesn't remember me well now, either, not to mention she lives several states away. There aren't any community events near me - I live on a very secluded piece of property, and transportation is an issue. I just don't know who to turn to at this point. I'm alone in this, and I'm a burden to my entire family. I don't have any reasons to wake up in the morning anymore. I cry whenever there is no one around to hear me, and I don't know why anymore. I'm probably not going to kill myself. I'm too afraid. But if there was a way I could just stop existing right now painlessly, I sure as hell would have done it.