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I just can't think of a reason to live.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lady Youth, Aug 7, 2016.

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  1. Lady Youth

    Lady Youth Active Member

    Literally everyone in my life has cared less about me than I have about them, and then they eventually leave.

    I had to drop out of college, then move back home with my grandmother in the middle of nowhere, and I'm no longer in contact with any of my old friends (and I was never close to many people anyway). I have no one I talk to in-person (some Internet friends of mine I have been speaking to for years are supportive and great, but everyone tells me that that can't last), and my family is not supportive in getting me the help I need. I try to be an upbeat and happy person, so they usually don't believe me. I don't know how to deal with serious emotions without turning them into a joke.

    I told my grandmother I was depressed, and she just told me to "read the Bible more" (I'm not kidding) and when I tried bringing it up again, she goes, "Just stop being depressed all the time. You let yourself get like this!"

    She was too old and unhealthy to live alone, so she didn't kick her abusive husband out until I moved back home with her, but now that her son has moved in with us, she wants me to move out as soon as possible and keeps signing me up for dating sites so I can meet people, but I have difficulty connecting with any of the people - I've only received barely literate messages and dick pics. Which hurts because it's always been my dream to meet a man and fall in love - get married, etc, but there aren't any good ways to meet people.

    I've had this crush on some Skype friend of mine for, like, a year, who has similar feelings of emptiness as I do, and we've always been supportive to each other and have spoken everyday. He has been reassuring to me about my anxiety and told me how I'm his favorite person to speak with, assured me he means that and isn't just saying that to be nice, and is just generally a better friend than I deserve, and we are planning to meet in a couple years, but...ah. That's a long time from now, and I worry it just isn't going to happen, despite how serious about it we both are. I kind of want to tell him how much he means to me, but our friendship is too important to risk making awkward - we flirt back and forth, but it isn't serious. It's just because some others in the group "shipped" us. We call or message privately from our group for many hours a day, and I can't lose that.

    My aunt I used to be close friends with and stay with doesn't like me coming around anymore, either. She has me houseit or babysit for her for free every few weeks, and then asks me to leave as soon as she gets back.

    I never knew my father, and my mother hasn't been in my life at all since I was a child, but she has a tendency to be verbally abusive and generally unpleasant. She had an accident and doesn't remember me well now, either, not to mention she lives several states away.

    There aren't any community events near me - I live on a very secluded piece of property, and transportation is an issue.

    I just don't know who to turn to at this point. I'm alone in this, and I'm a burden to my entire family. I don't have any reasons to wake up in the morning anymore. I cry whenever there is no one around to hear me, and I don't know why anymore.

    I'm probably not going to kill myself. I'm too afraid. But if there was a way I could just stop existing right now painlessly, I sure as hell would have done it.
    chiaroscura likes this.
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid We either find a way, or make one. SF Supporter

    Hi LY. I have a huge amount of empathy with you because all my real life friends went AWOL when I became ill 8 yrs ago. Now I have one guy who visits when he has time, but after that, I only ever see family members. I did manage to get into some group therapy and I met some new people that way but it is coming to a end and it will be back to square one again..

    So I guess we have to try and make do with online friends and groups and communities like this place. Either that or total isolation which is no fun whatsoever. I have been down that road.

    So where are you going to move to? Do you have anywhere to go?
    chiaroscura and Lady Youth like this.
  3. Lady Youth

    Lady Youth Active Member

    I already moved back home - in the mountains in East Tennessee. There isn't really much to do here, and there are no neighbors or establishments in walking distance.
    chiaroscura likes this.
  4. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid We either find a way, or make one. SF Supporter

    But you say that her son moved back home and she wants you to move out as soon as possible, so where will you go?
    chiaroscura likes this.
  5. Lady Youth

    Lady Youth Active Member

    I don't have anywhere. I'm not sure yet.
    chiaroscura likes this.
  6. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid We either find a way, or make one. SF Supporter

    That doesn't help does it, the fact that you have nowhere to go as yet. Is it possible to go anywhere else and maybe start over? Its not easy to do I know, but I did it when I was 21. It was either that or end up dead from drug use. Just thought it might be possible so that you can rebuild a social life or at least meet some new people.
    chiaroscura likes this.
  7. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I can identify with your situation. I do not live in a secluded area, but I have moved very far away from the few friends that I had. I also had to move. I graduated college and after spending all of my money on drugs and then rehab for drug use I had to move in with my parents who happened to move across the country. I am sorry that you feel so alone but I am so glad that you have your online friends and have found this forum. I hope you can find some relief and support here. Maybe you should wait until you see your Skype friend in person before getting involved romantically? That will ease some pressure and stress off of both of you.

    Please be safe. Do you have a job right now? What about trying to work and save up so that you can move somewhere else, like SinisterKid mentioned. Moving is hard and the adjustments are a challenge, but you also get the chance to start over and you never know who you will meet along the way. Good luck and keep posting!
    Lady Youth likes this.
  8. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

    Dearest Lady Youth: My heart went boom as i read your story. We have so much in common, though I'm sure I'm older than you are. Your story has a lot of difficult issues in it, and there you are, feeling alone with it all. But you are not alone now. You hit the jackpot when you found this forum. There have been more than a MILLION posts, literally, on this forum, because the people here really care, and are around 24/7. If this forum wasn't truly nurturing, especially in OMG situations like you are in, people wouldn't come back. So PLEASE stay with us......It says you are an active member, so you probably know more about all of this than I do, as I am really new, but the compassion of people here literally saved my life. I, too, have no family. ZERO. And I moved to the Appalachian mountains, which I now regret, and I do not know one single person here. I mean, I know their names, after being here 9 years, but that's it. Like you, I tried getting involved with things, like, contra dancing (I was horrible at it) and dancing lessons (fail) and art shows (yuck) and a bunch of churches that didn't work at all, for me and on and on. I was in a family of 4 plus one step-member. Now, all gone. Dead. Some days, I lie around and cry all day. But once I realized this one thing, everything changed for me: I realized that allllllllll the horrible suffering I lived thru, QUALIFIED me to be on this forum! If I had never had dark issues, I couldn't be here. And then guess what! It qualified me to go to posts that were brand new where people were totally freaking out in pain, and my life of suffering and pain was like a power I had, I suddenly realized. I had THE POWER TO UNDERSTAND how they felt! I was suddenly happy that I had had such a horrible life. I even ate out of a garbage can once! And now, if I want, I can talk to super scared freaked out people, and know how they feel. But for YOU, that isn't why you came today, I know. I just thought you might be interested in all that. But I feel sorta stupid because here I am telling you stuff, and you have probably been here for years, and should be telling ME stuff. LOL The bottom line is, I care and so many people here care, and will care, and will think of you, and so on, till you feel UNDERSTOOD and not alone. I'm so glad you came today. Love, Chia PS I noticed that you are an excellent writer, very organized and articulate, and you even know where the commas go. I know, then, that you are very bright. That's a great strength. xo
    Lady Youth and CodeX like this.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    hi @Lady Youth and welcome to SF. Meet a man and fall in love... just like in the movies, that's what we (including I) always dream of. I do think your skype friend could work out, can ye meet any sooner?

    I am sure your grandmother cares about you as it was you who moved in to help her and be of aid if anything happened to her, she's just showing her love in a funny way. Best of luck to you and please know that we do care what happens to you.
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