I just can't.

[Witty_Sarcasm]

I was made to feel bad about something small just a short while ago. Everything I do and say is always wrong. Then I started breaking down crying, yelling about how I want to die, how everyone makes me feel like a burden...no one knows how to deal with these outbursts. I wish I could control them, but I can't, because I just keep everything all inside, as to not bother people, and it just gets to be too much to deal with. I don't care if the neighbors heard me, a third party observer would either think I'm crazy or make fun of me, but my "friends" and family already do that, so what's the difference? I reach out to people and get ignored, even though they have time to talk to other people and do other things. They don't take me seriously, they think it's a joke, I'm sick of this, because the only way I can prove that I'm serious is by killing myself. And I'm crying now, not at the thought of dying, but because people actually dislike me enough now to not care whether I live or die.

I'm not really sure what I do wrong, but I'm not this horrible bitch that people make me out to be. I help people all I can, put their needs before my own, and they still demand more, without caring about how I'm feeling. It seems that everywhere I go, my friends talk about me behind my back and turn on me. Apparently, I'm not even immune from that happening here, that's how little I actually matter. If people could see how badly I'm falling apart, maybe they would start to believe me. It's to the point where I can no longer trust anyone, because if those who really seemed to care about me, end up leaving me in my time of need...I must have a very poor sense of judgment. So it's best if I end this, because I see no other reason to stay alive, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know why I'm typing this, if only to let the people who actually do care about me that I can't take it anymore and not be surprised if I just stopped logging in one day. I'm sorry for everything, but I just can't keep on like this.

 

[Kam1389]

I'm sad when I read your post. I don't think that people know how to react to such strong scary emotions, if they care for you it's even scarier. I hear what you are saying but everyone deserves to live, maybe the point is that you, at the moment, don't feel that you do. Unless someone has felt like that they don't really get it.
People who write on here do understand because they have had those feelings too. I hope you can find some peaceful moments and not feel so desperate.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

That's the thing, they don't care for me. They just think I'm being ridiculous and don't want to hear how I really feel. No, everyone does not deserve to live, at least I don't. My mere existence was a mistake, in fact I should have been aborted. No clue why I wasn't, other than for my mother to blame all of her shortcomings on me and make me feel like I'm less than nothing. Sometimes, even people here have no clue where I'm coming from. I feel like I belong on another planet or something. And I'm sorry if this comes across as rude...I'm just at the end of my tether and can no longer take anymore. I haven't been able to for a long time, so I don't know how I even got this far in life. Even when I try to sleep, these thoughts assault my brain. I wonder if I'll ever have peace of mind again.

 

[Kam1389]

You don't come across as rude. It's hard when you feel so desperate and no one seems to be listening, but I am listening to you, and I care that you feel so bad.

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

It's nice to know that someone cares, because it feels like most people don't care at all. But mostly I don't care what happens to me, so it's hard to stay alive, even for another day.

 

[Petal]

Just wanna say that I care too witty :hug: Everything you do is not always wrong, you are very good to the people here and we care about you hun, hope tomorrow is a better day for you

 

[Witty_Sarcasm]

Thanks :hug: I'm feeling a bit better now and hope it stays that way.