I just did something, felt i had no choice

[White Dove]

well i just did something and i felt i had no choice but to...

i am so torn up and hurt right now. my chest is really bothering me, guess i got too upset but i cant take it anymore. the only way i can help myself is to remove myself.

so what happened?

well i was feeling pretty good today/yesterday, was happy but then i go to log on to read the news at this one site i still visit and right out in the open and in the religion section is this big post from a mod saying basically that im childish, and somehow hurting the forum by things i post and do or say, that im throwing a pity party, then at the end telling me that i have support there:huh: i mean what the hell? thats not support.. i did not need to read that, they tell me im wanted there but then do this? i mean why not send that to me in a pm? instead this mod posted this out in the open so others would respond to it and boy did they ever, telling him that was the best post ever on the board etc..

well i did something, probably should not have but did it anyway.. i have had it with people like that.. they do things only to hurt and then brag about how much they care and want me to be a member there? i mean what the hell do they think? i posted a reply and i did curse in it, see i had been quiet yet this mod got mad because i had not posted anything. i did not post anything cause when i post they get mad, and a few things that i had posted did more harm to me and i came to my sences and deleted the parts and this mod got mad because i deleted the parts after posting them..

bible says repent does it not? does it not mean in the bible that if something is said to hurt someone then one should correct it when you come to the understanding what you did was wrong? i mean things i posted probably hurt others and me also, so this mod says well im going to bring back everything you posted ,etc... it just hurts to much, so white doves gone...

 

[Starlite]

Hey Dove

Please don't allow people like that to dictate your life hun. I realize you are hurt by that mod's actions, but that mod is the one that is acting childish. Not very representive of the site for a mod to air that in public in my opinion.

Please don't hurt your self over the foolish actions of someone else. If that site is being hurtful to you, simply put don't go there. You have support here.

Please pm me if you need to talk..anytime!

:hug:
Karren

 

[Kimi]

I don't understand why people are not considerate. They don't know being caught suicidal feeling.. I never could understand suicidal feeling until I had life changing big event. Depression and suicidal feeling change one's personality completely.

I guess you are upset by a person's comment.. Please try to forget.. if you can.

 

[White Dove]

well update..

Admin, sent me a pm and asked if i would go and read the reply this same mod had posted before making the desion to leave the board, so i go to the board which i had logged out only when i click on the board it automatically logs me back in and takes me directly to pm. low and behold theres a pm from admin and one from this mod, so i go and read the pm from this mod.

okay now in the pm the mod says that they thread he/she unsure if its a she or he but anyhow they say the thread will remain locked up until i have a chance to view the reply they posted. and that if i want to make a final responce that they will unlock it so i can but that their would be conditions and that i would have to pm them to let them know when i would be on and they could unlock so i can reply then lock it back so no other member can reply then after 24 hours remove the thread and that they would make the final comment about it remaining for a few more hours then be removed then made a comment about saying things to me tontry to keep me from being hurt by my own posts etc in the funture..

well after that pm i decide ( big stupid mistake on my part ) but anyhow i decide to go to that thread and read what was said okay, first post from a member there telling me that " i sound just like her x husband, that all i want is attention, then contridict themselves and say no one is there to hurt me, telling me that is what i have in my mind that they are and that when i posted i would be gone that i would be back under another name ( little do they know i wont ever be back because my grave is coming soon ) and says that the mod posted in religion because thats where he seen me lurking and knew i would find it there. telling me that he was only trying to show me that i am not the only one who has personal battles and that he was trying to show me that life is worth living then at the end of the post saying there are you happy, i gave you the attention that you were seeking and at the end saying dont bash me cause i did not bash you but only pointing out facts..

hum, yeah right!!

okay next post, telling me that im talking out of both sides of my mouth all along and want to know if i want her to post some of the pms i sent them? do i want everyone to worry about me or my depression so they can get depressed? telling me i need help from a professional? saying that others have tried to help me and pray for me but that nothing is ever good enough. telling me to take care and that an alone time away from everyone is a good solution.

hum, okay? little do they know i will be in the grave soon!

okay, next post.. kind of okay post

telling me that when im faced with problems, its not the problems but how one deals with them that counts.

okay next post.

telling me they dont give a rats ass about what i like to be or not be called ( attention getter, abuser, chilish, liar etc ) then tell me to deal with it myself. telling me they dont usually reply to my posts cause its all the same crap i been posting for years. telling me i play nice then when they get close i push them away. telling me nothing has changed and that the world dont stop when i have a crisis,etc then at the bottom telling me that if i have mental issues to taske a vacation at mocassin bend!

lol, very good support post there huh? NOT!

Next post

telling me its good to talk about problems but thats not the issue. that the issue arises when thats all i talk about and called dwelling on things..

next post

even a dog gets tired of being kicked and after a while bites back! telling me that every one has been nice to me there ( above posts prove that dont they? ) and that all i do is throw it back to them with childish crap. ( basically getting mad and curseing online saying i was hurt this thread was posted out in the open and it was to willfully hurt me but then again i told them how it hurt and thats childish acts to them ) saying people are fed up with it, same attitude, same crap, different board?

now the reply from the very mod that placed this online out in public his responce was this.

while i was right that it could have taken place in a pm saying my critism of the board and its members have been open then for me to go and delete my posts was to much so he posted it out in the open, and then about how he posted it in religion not to hurt me but that it was the most i spent my time in. ( geese too wrongs dont make a right!!! ) then tell me how much they were empressed with the spirit in which i have defended myself that if i could put that much energy in front i could accomplish anything...

then i get a post after this saying lock this thread cause its only going to get worse..

well. i sent a pm to both the mod and the Admin. I want no part of that board at all. Heck i thought i could have or rather make locally friends there but i cant. They dont understand the degree of hurt it has upon me. They dont understand my pain, they are never ever going to forget my past, my past will follow me to the grave and you know what else? no matter what i do or how i try to please them it will never be enough. they will always want more and more. it hurts me to the deepest part of myself, my heart to leave that board. i cant even begin to explain the degree of hurt from leaving that place but its my gift to them.

i am worthless. i really am. i am like a piece of rolled up newspaper and need only to be burned. i am like dog crape that one steps upon on. the only thing i ever did that was ever right was to make the choice to leave. now i cant mess up things for them or anyone else. i will soon be in the ground where i fully belong. them bringing me back when i did my attempt was the worst thing they could have ever done to me. they didnt save me, they brought me back into more misery and more pain which i am happy to say will end soon.

 

[jKORE]

that makes me damn pissed off!
how the hell can they treat u like that? its not right, and u should wish pain and misery on them, not on yourself dove.

i dont know you at all, but whoever you are and whatever you did, there is no reason for them to publicly humiliate you. shame on those f****ng losers!!

yell it out loud, SHAME ON THOSE F****NG LOSERS!!!

i wish you happiness friend, and if u need to get somethin off your chest, need to pour out your feelings to a complete stranger :wink: just message me anytime ok?

i hope your hanging in there dove...
DIVIDE AND CONQUER!
Scatter them and then crush them one at a time!
(i'll help )

:hug:

 

[White Dove]

that makes me damn pissed off!
how the hell can they treat u like that? its not right, and u should wish pain and misery on them, not on yourself dove.

i dont know you at all, but whoever you are and whatever you did, there is no reason for them to publicly humiliate you. shame on those f****ng losers!!

yell it out loud, SHAME ON THOSE F****NG LOSERS!!!

i wish you happiness friend, and if u need to get somethin off your chest, need to pour out your feelings to a complete stranger :wink: just message me anytime ok?

i hope your hanging in there dove...
DIVIDE AND CONQUER!
Scatter them and then crush them one at a time!
(i'll help )

:hug:

Hey, dont be so harsh on them. im not, okay?

heck i was not a great good angle myself there and they did at times try to support me in their own little ways. I have issues and who doesnt but posting to me out in the open was in fact a dilberatly and willfully way to hurt me or should i say punish me? i think thats why they did it, to punish me. and i cant fully understand that but that was the last straw so i left!

as for scattering and crushing them one at a time i will not do. i will not stoop that low. bible says to turn the other check, or walk away so im walking away, not going back.. i dont need them in my life. they cant understand my pain nor the way i am so i need not be there.

you know i would post something and it always seemed like it would turn into a flame war or them saying i was wanting attention. i could post about a test result and it go from them saying great news to your just wanting attention in a few days time. heck when i posted about my cancer theres no telling how many times they questioned me about it and repeatedly ask me what type it is i have,etc.. i mean really does it really make a difference what type i have? i cant make it go away but i try to ignore it. i was at one time taking drugs to help fight it but i have since given up and i dont care to fight it anymore and saying that its like i have did the worst crime on the face of this planet. its my life dang it and if i have decided to stop treatment so i can go on and die then thats my choice, thats why i say my grave will be soon. cause im not fighting it anymore and if GOD wants me to still be here then he will slow the cancer down, if not then well i have my funeral all planed out, the casket, the songs, the whole works and when it gets me then i go.

some times one has to give up when they only cause pain and i have did that many times and its time i stopped myself from hurting others and if that means i have to die then so be it, its my choice and my life and the best thing about it is that there is not one single law today that will force one to take medical chemo treatment, not one.. so its my choice to let go or how they call it let go and let GOD?

 

[jKORE]

Hey, dont be so harsh on them. im not, okay?

heck i was not a great good angle myself there and they did at times try to support me in their own little ways. I have issues and who doesnt but posting to me out in the open was in fact a dilberatly and willfully way to hurt me or should i say punish me? i think thats why they did it, to punish me. and i cant fully understand that but that was the last straw so i left!

as for scattering and crushing them one at a time i will not do. i will not stoop that low. bible says to turn the other check, or walk away so im walking away, not going back.. i dont need them in my life. they cant understand my pain nor the way i am so i need not be there.

My bad. You have my apologies for insulting your friends.

And as for the 'divide and conquer' bit, i was talking about your own problems and stresses. not the actual people in the forum!
a friend used to say that to me when i was stressed. he said that you gotta single out one problem at a time and put an end to it, because taking them all on at once is a death sentence... all of us here know that to be true.
im sorry you took it the wrong way. im not a violent person. angry, but not violent :sad:

 

[soliloquise]

Hey, dont be so harsh on them. im not, okay?

heck i was not a great good angle myself there and they did at times try to support me in their own little ways. I have issues and who doesnt but posting to me out in the open was in fact a dilberatly and willfully way to hurt me or should i say punish me? i think thats why they did it, to punish me. and i cant fully understand that but that was the last straw so i left!

as for scattering and crushing them one at a time i will not do. i will not stoop that low. bible says to turn the other check, or walk away so im walking away, not going back.. i dont need them in my life. they cant understand my pain nor the way i am so i need not be there.

you know i would post something and it always seemed like it would turn into a flame war or them saying i was wanting attention. i could post about a test result and it go from them saying great news to your just wanting attention in a few days time. heck when i posted about my cancer theres no telling how many times they questioned me about it and repeatedly ask me what type it is i have,etc.. i mean really does it really make a difference what type i have? i cant make it go away but i try to ignore it. i was at one time taking drugs to help fight it but i have since given up and i dont care to fight it anymore and saying that its like i have did the worst crime on the face of this planet. its my life dang it and if i have decided to stop treatment so i can go on and die then thats my choice, thats why i say my grave will be soon. cause im not fighting it anymore and if GOD wants me to still be here then he will slow the cancer down, if not then well i have my funeral all planed out, the casket, the songs, the whole works and when it gets me then i go.

some times one has to give up when they only cause pain and i have did that many times and its time i stopped myself from hurting others and if that means i have to die then so be it, its my choice and my life and the best thing about it is that there is not one single law today that will force one to take medical chemo treatment, not one.. so its my choice to let go or how they call it let go and let GOD?

your biggest problem is the involvement with issues with ither people... the best thing as you say is to walk away and to make a 100% effort to surround yourself with people who are honest, respect you and help you survive with your problems...

i am sorry about the treatment thing tho... surely god also made amn able to create cures for our ills too.. how do you know he does not want you to take treatment? maybe god is saying.. right you have a choice.. i gave you life but it is up to you to sustain it... there are meds/ herbs etc for when you get ill take them. maybe god wants you to make a concerted effort to live for you and not be so focusse on leaving?

i understand your life is hard, mine is too. but if you believe what you do ( i don't share your religion ) then surely it is for god to take your life not you.. and it is your responsibility as custodian on your body housing your soul to look after it? maybe??

i don't know the answer.. i am just putting this out there as an alternate viewpoint.

 

[White Dove]

My bad. You have my apologies for insulting your friends.

And as for the 'divide and conquer' bit, i was talking about your own problems and stresses. not the actual people in the forum!
a friend used to say that to me when i was stressed. he said that you gotta single out one problem at a time and put an end to it, because taking them all on at once is a death sentence... all of us here know that to be true.
im sorry you took it the wrong way. im not a violent person. angry, but not violent :sad:

Hey they are not really my friends. they are just human like us and need forgiveness and all too. sorry i did not fully understand what you were talking about, kind of dumb i am i recon or perhaps it was just case i was upset.

i did send that mod a pm and was not harsh in reply, just told him how what he posted hurt me and things like that, he sent me another pm back and said he appreciated i was kind and humble in my reply to him. now i guess i have to eat the words i said above about them all, hopfully they will forgive me for that? but anyhow. they did not remove my name as membership even after i told them to or rather asked them to but i went ahead and sent the admin another pm telling him i needed to be away from there for a while. as to going back and posting? i may go back and read the news but as to posting i highly doubt i will ever post again. to afraid to really.. oh well another day has passed and it is freeking cold.. supposed to be 12 degrees tonight according to my niece it is..

 

[White Dove]

your biggest problem is the involvement with issues with ither people... the best thing as you say is to walk away and to make a 100% effort to surround yourself with people who are honest, respect you and help you survive with your problems...

i am sorry about the treatment thing tho... surely god also made amn able to create cures for our ills too.. how do you know he does not want you to take treatment? maybe god is saying.. right you have a choice.. i gave you life but it is up to you to sustain it... there are meds/ herbs etc for when you get ill take them. maybe god wants you to make a concerted effort to live for you and not be so focusse on leaving?

i understand your life is hard, mine is too. but if you believe what you do ( i don't share your religion ) then surely it is for god to take your life not you.. and it is your responsibility as custodian on your body housing your soul to look after it? maybe??

i don't know the answer.. i am just putting this out there as an alternate viewpoint.

That is why i decided to not post there. i sent the admin a pm telling him that i needed to stay away for a while.

as to the treatments, Who is the greatest physician in the world? Its Jesus, God said so and i know he dont lie so if he says Jesus is the greatest healer then he is. yes your suppose to look after your body thats told in the bible but when you take chemo drugs your putting more poision in your body to kill the bad cells. same with what one eats, if you eat a lot of fat and sugar or drink wine or beer then your doing your body wrong as if you smoke.

i dont know really. i just want to be able to have enough faith and prayers that if its Gods will he will stop this cancer. You know what a doctor told me once? He told me that when most people have a headache and they take a pill such as aspirin to stop the headache, he said the aspirin was not really the thing that stopped the headache, he said it was the thought that taking an aspirin will stop it is what actually works. its the way your mind thinks that can stop your pain. like if you get hurt or get a cut and when you go to sleep you cant feel the pain because your mind is not on it but as soon as you wake up and realize you have a cut then it starts hurting. i dont know how many times i can be in pain rather its a tooth ache or something else and go to the doctor and when i get to the doctors office my pain is gone. i dont know if you ever done that but i have. i know my dad had a bad toothacke once and it was really hurting him but as soon as we pulled into the dentist he said his tooth acke had gone. its your mind that heals and its your mind that puts on the pain of a lot of things, So if Jesus is the great healer and i can have enough faith to believe in his power then he can and will slow it down that is unless he wants or needs me in heaven for something else? i just got to have that faith which i am sorry to say and admit is waveing at the moment. there is power in prayers and faith and im going to believe in that more then any human being can do. God tells you when its your time to go, he also can keep you hear if he wants too or he can even take you with him without dying. i believe he took eliega with him and he did not die:unsure:

 

[soliloquise]

yes the mind can heal i know but i also think you need to balance that sometimes.. but yes you are right it is your choice.
i don't believe in jesus in the biblical context so cannot comment but if it helps you then thats great x

 

[White Dove]

yes the mind can heal i know but i also think you need to balance that sometimes.. but yes you are right it is your choice.
i don't believe in jesus in the biblical context so cannot comment but if it helps you then thats great x

you dont believe in Jesus?

He died for all of us you know? He is Gods son and God gave him up to die for us.

 

[soliloquise]

you dont believe in Jesus?

He died for all of us you know? He is Gods son and God gave him up to die for us.

no that is what you believe.... there are loads of religions .. none are right or wrong. christianity is right for you, it isn't for me. i found my path

i dont believe in heaven , hell., the cruxifiction or any of it, although i do believe jesus existed.

 

[Ignored]

you dont believe in Jesus?

He died for all of us you know? He is Gods son and God gave him up to die for us.

You carry on in this way White Dove and mods will put this in Soap Box! :smile: