I Just Died...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TearsDropBloodTrickles, Oct 4, 2006.

  1. TearsDropBloodTrickles

    TearsDropBloodTrickles Well-Known Member

    Like most things in life, ive now given up on my meds. Its been over a month and i didnt feel any different, so bye bye meds, And i cant talk to my doctor because hes on holiday, and he doesnt know anything anyway.

    Ive been acting real strange lately doing things i would never do. I went out with one of my bestfriends the other day, and he brought this boy who fancies him. And i just totally ripped this piss out of the boy the entire time. I was being so incrediably mean to this boy, for no other reason than i didnt want him there. And not only was i doing that, i was flirting and being very direct with my bestfriend, just to ensure this boy was engulfed in jealousy. At one point when we were walking, while i was doing this..i remember thinking 'This isnt even fun anymore' and i wasnt saying being mean to him wasnt fun, i was saying being mean in general wasnt fine, i was no longer getting pleasure out of someone elses pain. I guess you could call that progress.

    Ive always been coming onto friends that ive known for ages, arranging to have sex with complete strangers, ive joined loads of sites, just to have people msg me telling me im beautiful, im amazing, my pics are so cool, you sound so interesting etc etc more more. Its pathetic. But its my ecstacy, its what i crave.

    As for looking for a job, starting my studies, its all limited, just so i can say, 'look i did it' just so i can prove that im trying to live the way they want me to.

    I hate myself, i want the easy way out, i hate myself for not taking it. For caring about everyone else. How is it even possible that i love others when i cannot even love myself. I want to die, i do, i do, i do, i do. Its not just words, its not attention seeking. Its my uppermost desire but one.

    Words, words, words. I type them, i speak them. Nothing helps. My tears still fall. My chest void of a heart, my body lacking a soul. I only have my brain and my capabilties. Dangerous mix. How long will it be, before im another muderer on your screen. Created by society. But they'll die responsibilty, just another number. A statistic.

    What really sucks is im so clever, like really clever. Everyone tells me i have a level of understanding that most people will never reach. Usually something has to be explained to me once, and ive got it. No matter how complex it is. Even the fact that im so aware of my depression, the things that have made me depressed, and the things that keep me depressed. I understand it all and it scares me. And i suppose to be lost and bewildered. Well im not. The only thing that isnt in my grasp is the cure. Or maybe im just not bothering to reach for it.

    Who knows. Im sure ive bored you. Doubt you got this far. Lost for words ? I wouldnt be surprised. Most of you are pathetic, most of us are pathetic. I hate society. I hate humanity. I hate you and i hate me. I hate me.
  2. Oh come on now,
    I know finding the "cure" is a long and difficult process, and being off the meds may be affecting your judgement. It affected mine for a few months while the drugs were slowly leaving my system, but I felt better when it was over ( the drug withdrawal, I mean).
    I have also come to a place of hostility that I am not used to feeling, and I try to deal with it.
    We all want to feel loved and understood, there isn't anything wrong with that.
    I've also been told that I am at a level of understanding that most never achieve, but that doesn't explain how after 3 years of being off meds and doing and feeling great, I am back here on year number 4. I'm back on anti-anxiety meds, feeling out of control and out of touch with everything and everyone.
    The "cure" is a life long process of coping skills for every situation.
    Are you at least going to counseling to learn those skills?
    If not, I'll try to help you with what I have learned and what I am still learning.
    Don't beat yourself up, it is hard for us to understand that not everyone is the same as us, they don't feel, act, or have insight the same that we do. It can really make us angry, but we have to try to uderstand it just the same.
    Peace, Love, and Prayers,
  3. Entropy

    Entropy Well-Known Member

    Don't feel bad about your attutide, you have been pretty alienated it seems. And as for being "at a level of undertanding almost no one ever achieves" join the club... people who can't understand or console you will blow sunshine up your ass for whatever reason.
  4. TearsDropBloodTrickles

    TearsDropBloodTrickles Well-Known Member

    "i have a level of understanding that most people will never reach" lol i sound so arrogant.
  5. Entropy

    Entropy Well-Known Member

    Its not arrogant, i am sorry I didnt mean to imply that you were arrogant, I think im better then everyone too, but i try not to parade it around as it gets me alot of unwanted attention.

    As if I actualy had some true insight into right and wrong and like I have never done anything even bordering on "vastly evil beyond comprehension"...

    Its ok to feel the way you do though, because I think more people feel that way but are ashamed to admit it to your face in person, of course people will admit it anonymously like im doing now.

    At least it seems you try to improve yourself =) which many don't.