Like most things in life, ive now given up on my meds. Its been over a month and i didnt feel any different, so bye bye meds, And i cant talk to my doctor because hes on holiday, and he doesnt know anything anyway. Ive been acting real strange lately doing things i would never do. I went out with one of my bestfriends the other day, and he brought this boy who fancies him. And i just totally ripped this piss out of the boy the entire time. I was being so incrediably mean to this boy, for no other reason than i didnt want him there. And not only was i doing that, i was flirting and being very direct with my bestfriend, just to ensure this boy was engulfed in jealousy. At one point when we were walking, while i was doing this..i remember thinking 'This isnt even fun anymore' and i wasnt saying being mean to him wasnt fun, i was saying being mean in general wasnt fine, i was no longer getting pleasure out of someone elses pain. I guess you could call that progress. Ive always been coming onto friends that ive known for ages, arranging to have sex with complete strangers, ive joined loads of sites, just to have people msg me telling me im beautiful, im amazing, my pics are so cool, you sound so interesting etc etc more more. Its pathetic. But its my ecstacy, its what i crave. As for looking for a job, starting my studies, its all limited, just so i can say, 'look i did it' just so i can prove that im trying to live the way they want me to. I hate myself, i want the easy way out, i hate myself for not taking it. For caring about everyone else. How is it even possible that i love others when i cannot even love myself. I want to die, i do, i do, i do, i do. Its not just words, its not attention seeking. Its my uppermost desire but one. Words, words, words. I type them, i speak them. Nothing helps. My tears still fall. My chest void of a heart, my body lacking a soul. I only have my brain and my capabilties. Dangerous mix. How long will it be, before im another muderer on your screen. Created by society. But they'll die responsibilty, just another number. A statistic. What really sucks is im so clever, like really clever. Everyone tells me i have a level of understanding that most people will never reach. Usually something has to be explained to me once, and ive got it. No matter how complex it is. Even the fact that im so aware of my depression, the things that have made me depressed, and the things that keep me depressed. I understand it all and it scares me. And i suppose to be lost and bewildered. Well im not. The only thing that isnt in my grasp is the cure. Or maybe im just not bothering to reach for it. Who knows. Im sure ive bored you. Doubt you got this far. Lost for words ? I wouldnt be surprised. Most of you are pathetic, most of us are pathetic. I hate society. I hate humanity. I hate you and i hate me. I hate me.