I just do not knwo how to deal with it

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Stormhand, Feb 4, 2010.

  1. Stormhand

    Stormhand Well-Known Member

    OK I need to start from when I was little.
    I have told so many on here about my seizures, I am sure.
    But this is more about my parents.

    On account of them I have developed some self esteem problems.
    When I was little I had sevier seizures, to the point I was unable to do anything athletic, I mean in 6th grade my coach kicked me out of gym cause he did not want to be responsible for me anymore.
    Things could of been done about this, but my dad was against it, knowing him it had something to do with his pride, it was liek he just wanted to ignore the problem and pretend I was normal, only I was not( and am still not).
    Well that really only made matters worse, I was starting not to be able to go out in the sun, I could not even help with the chores outside, you would think a father would help his own son.
    But in his case he should of done just so he would of not of had as much trouble outside, to me that would make more sense, cause that was just how he was.
    But he ignored the problem, trying to pretend I was normal..which I am still not.

    Now I cannot even ask him why..he passed away last October, I so many times wanted to ask him, but I knew how he would respond, I just did not want to think it worth it,
    and especially I did not want to ask him over the phone while he was in his death bed..

    After my parents divorced, dad actually started talking to me more, calling me, checking on me...I always thought it was out of his character, in a way I had a sense something was wrong.

    I got so many anger issues because of all of this..was I not worth it to him just to help me out to try to have a normal life???
    Cause I still want that!!!!!!!
    I have to live on SSI (which he was against me going for) because no one will give me a fair opportunity..and this is supposed to be America..what a joke.

    Then there is mom, she tried so hard to help me out, she did help me get the SSI.
    But she still tries too hard.
    So much to the point when growing up til I was 30, I did not have any privacy, she was over bearing, felt like she did not trust my judgment:sad:
    Right now I am looking into moving, and I will be on the other side of town, away from her.
    And I don't know if it will feel like that will be enough space to be away from her..
    My mom also makes me so angry, its like she thinks I am stupid.
    I realize its just how she was raised..or how she was not raised that she grew these habits.
    But DAMN..I am 34 and an adult..let me have some damn independence!!!
    It took years of me trying to be strong to show myself I do not need anyone to survive to gain some confidence in myself, and I feel so cold cause of that.

    All I can think to do now, just to gain some kind of peace is to try to find me a gf..
    and I am nervous as hell on that..more past history that I will not tell of.

    remarks,Snide comments, and anecdotes welcome
    just keep them constructive please.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I admire your effort to live on your own and establish yourself by living alone, it aint easy. And it is a bit scary so I applaud all that you are doing.

    I think it is a great tribute to you that you see your mom is the way she is not because of you but because she has her own issues....not many see that distinction but you do.

    I sure hope you let us know how it is going for you out in the big giant world and hey don't forget about us heh?

    So any plans on where to find a girlfriend? I am trying to find a boyfriend as I would love to have someone to share life with...I guess one step at a time though...let me know how you are doing as I care.

    Congratulations! Bambi
  3. Stormhand

    Stormhand Well-Known Member

    honestly I am not sure about where to find a gf, I have tried the whole online website looking, but its not paying off.
    I even did the eharmony free profiling, and I did not even get a match, I got abit of a laugh out of it.
    Right now I am not really sweating about it.
    Its too hard to meet someone good for me, most I get involved with are real self centered and greedy, thinking I have to do it all, so until I get some faith that there is someone out there for me, I just see no need to be looking too much into it.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm blind, and while my mother was the over-protective one, my father was the one who hid from my disability and tried to act like I was completely normal.

    I think moving away from your mother is a good idea. you need that space so that you have the chance to be yourself and do what makes you happy.
  5. Stormhand

    Stormhand Well-Known Member

    Oh I am already moved away from my mom, buts he purposely moved across the street from me to keep an eye on me.
    She almost feels like my stalker.

    I am just going to be moving across town with a couple of friends.