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I just don´t know what to do anymore...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Anonymous1234, Mar 27, 2010.

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  1. Anonymous1234

    Anonymous1234 Member

    A little bit about me...

    Growing up I had a constantly depressed father that beat me into hospital a couple times when I was a little kid, didn´t matter if I did something good or bad, he just beat me for no reason. My mom was an alcaholic. Since I was born it was basically hammered into my head that I´m a complete loser and a failure at life.

    I didn´t have any self esteem going into school so I was an easy target for the other kids in school and I literally had 0 friends the whole time I was there. I was bullied every single day. Often times I´d fight against 3-6 kids after school all by myself while the other students just stood around laughing and spitting on me while I was on the ground bleeding. Then there was a time when my mother was about to die because she drank too much. Some guy at school somehow found out about it and all the kids were trying to make fun of my mother. I then snapped and broke the kids jaw and almost got expelled from school. The thing that I hated the most though was that I couldn´t get a girl to save my life. I asked girls out, but they literally told me I was too ugly, skinny, not rich enough, a loser and that I have no friends.

    After school I basically hated all mankind. I hated them so much that I completely isolated myself from society. I haven´t had a conversation with anyone in over 4 years. I swore my only goal in life was to get revenge. I wanted to get revenge by being the highest person on the societal totem pole. I channeled all my hatred and used it to improve myself. I started my own business from home and made tons of cash. I took steroids and worked my ass off in the gym for years and now have the body that would win most Men´s health fitness contests. I dress in expensive clothing and drive a super expensive car. I only sleep in once a month and usually only get around 3-4 hours of sleep each night because I´m working all the time. Now that I have achieved all of that I still feel like a complete outcast. I tried talking to people, but when I look at a person I feel so much rage and anger towards them that I just leave. I don´t approach normal women because I´m terrified of rejection, so I pay hookers. I´m scared that if a normal woman rejected me I would basically feel like the ugly, poor loser with no friends that I was when I was a kid. If that happened I know I would shoot myself. I just can´t relate to normal people anymore because all I see is the persons that made my life hell as a kid.

    I don´t think I´ll ever be able to have a meaningful relationship with anyone for as long as I live.

    So what´s the point of all this? I´m still depressed every single day despite having so called "success" in life and thinking of suicide everyday.
  2. chjones21

    chjones21 Well-Known Member

    hello anonymous1234

    at the risk of coming up with a hopeless solution - could you not try a relationship on something like match.com where you could start talking to a woman online, so no pressure... and you could spend a good while actually getting to know and like their character without any of the intimidating personal interaction?

    I think that sounds like a much better way to start. Try to find a gentle-looking person - someone who looks kind and decent? Try to avoid someone who might be looking for the wealth/status factor, the expensive cars and suits nonsense... and I wouldn't mention any of that in your profile or anything.

    The thing is that, in person, you may well come across as intimidating if you have a lot of anger buzzing around you people will pick up on that and avoid it, because as a generalisation an angry person is likely to be an abusive partner and obviously most people do not want a relationship where they are going to be beaten up, either physically or emotionally or verbally -- so that would be the only reason I would suggest getting to know someone (and taking proper time over it) and trying to see whether you do enjoy their conversation or their company, virtually, before meeting them in person.

    You have done really well for yourself so that's great - no need to give up on anything else. You always have counseling as an option to try to deal with your residual anger issues and there are some great books on dealing with anger too. There are lots of options out there and you have proved yourself resourceful before so that stands you in good stead.
  3. rostova

    rostova Member

    You might want to lay off the steroids. Could they be causing your rage and your inability to connect with you? When you're not using any drugs like that, it's easier to trust your own emotions, but when you're messing with that stuff.... Just a suggestion.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...maybe sustaining meaningful relationships here will be a start...and hope you find the support you seek...J
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