I just dont care anymore

To be blunt to hell with this piece of shit life.
Since I was born I have knew nothing else than pain, suffering, mysery, bad luck....nothing else NOTHING.
I was born into a family full of alcoholics, liars, manipulators, money hungry bastards + living with them till now, pain in the ass. They care about my grandmother who is the most vile snake I have ever seen, wich I would be so happy to <Mod Edit>, the epitome of evil, the personification of evil, lives wonderfully, she has everything she needs, she manipulates everyone to do her bidding and she doesnt even need to move or do anything + for her age her health is good, TALK ABOUT FUCKING JUSTICE, while my other grandmother who was sweet and very good person died in a most horrible death you could imagine, where I literally saw her slowly dying, decaying before my eyes, everyone just wanted her to die while me and my mother were the only ones who cared about her till her last breaths.My uncles give shit about me or my family, they call only when they need something, they just want money everyone just wants fucking money...since I was little I knew nothing but illnesses, I survived 2 times salmonella wich left me on verge of death, wish I would rather die. I contracted lyme disease since 3 years old thanks to motherfucking lame ass doctor, who couldnt even see difference between bulls eye rash and some eczema, may she die in most painfull death imaginable. Now I have so many health complication thanks to lyme disease and guess what ITS UNCURABLE, FUCK YOU FATE. Non stop diseases, weakened immune system since I was born, no sympathy from anyone I only got scolded that I am too sick to do anything, only demoralized, hated for being sick...thats how supportive everyone in my family are, getting scolded for being sick??, Thats absolutely retarted, no one EVER showed me sympathy except one teacher at college, I was sick and had to perform my best, no one fucking cared, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, but when someone just coughed they said oh my oh dear you need to rest my poor thing, I was on verge of collapsion and no one cared I HAD TO GO ON, I saw everything white AND I HAD TO GO ON NO ONE GAVE A DAMN.... I was always held at second place, no one cared about me, heck the only fucking thing I wanted were roller blades...it took 15 years for me to ATLEAST have them, if it werent for my brother, I wouldnt even have them now. No one cared about me, i was always left alone, always left in the dust, always just a number. I never had luck in anything, everything that looked like something was working out for me FUCKED UP, nothing worked out, it just got worse and worse and worse and worse, neverending rollercoast in wich I just get fucked over...bad decision after bad decision, every single decision I made was bad, everything fucked up in the most worst way possible and NO ONE HELPED ME, all I got that sucks....fuck you all. Relationships....I only got screwed over, destroyed, shattered...I am so traumatised that I CANNOT have normal healthy relationship, I just cannot trust any woman ever, I just cannot, the only way for me to have "relationship" is cheap prostitutes....but that left me even more dull and destroyed, no woman EVER cared about me, all just screwed me over, hated me in the end...I wanted for them to be happy and guess what? They use you, they manipulate you, they destroy you it gives them great pleasure...plus I gave chance to most vile woman on the planet and I could have been with the most sweet person on the planet, fuck my life....you know what fuck you *****s and rot in hell. But the worst is that every single person I cared about vanished from my life, when someone finnally helped me they vanished and the worst is watching your brother dying before your own eyes for 5 years straight....slowly fading from healthy person to skin and bones....the only person I care about in this God damned fucked up world and fate wants to take him away from you. I dont care what happend to me, rather let me die, let me fucking burn or whatever but at least let him live, he doesnt deserve this. Cryings of pain in the night, being to 3 am in the morning next to him and going to fucking school next day, seeing him how he tries to smash his head on wall, stopping him, cries for death, the unimaginable pain and you cant do nothing, trully there is no worse thing in this existence than to see your loved ones dying before your eyes and you can do nothing, absolutely nothing...but at least he survived, he is crippled for the rest of his life physically, but at least he lives, at least one thing....otherwise I would kill myself, I would have nothing absolutely nothing in this world left....and now my grandfather who was the second person to actually somehow cared about me is too slowly dying....fuck this shit, fuck this seriously I hate this, I hate fuckign life, I hate everything. I just want to end this, too much is too much and nothing is getting better its neverending rollercoaster of shitstorm...I have been strong, I have survived alot, I thought my will was unbreakable, but too much is too much. Even the sturdiest wall falls one day...and this is the day, fuck this, I dont care anymore, I dont even want to know what is prepared so lovingly for me, what kind of kick in the balls future holds for me...I dotn even want to have kids, because I know they will have terminal illneses and again I will have to go trough the hellstorm that was my childhood...+ raising kids in these horrible times...I just want to join french foreign legion or any other army, be sent to middle east to get bullet trough my head, what beautifull notion, beautifull peace, finnally....or just jump under train...but at least I have somewhere to sleep and eat, hooraay.

 

I agree with you that there is nothing worse in the world than watching someone you love suffer and/or die. It is truly maddening.