i just don't care anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gabriel left hand of god, Oct 18, 2008.

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  1. hello. my name is gabriel, and i am alone and succumbing to apathy.

    i haven't ever been purposefully touched by a girl, i cant get people to talk to me, people tend to dislike me and i don't know why. i've tried everything i can think of to connect and im still alone. i've reached the point where i simply don't see the point of it all.

    i'm tired of waking up every morning and trying to convince myself i have a real, driving motivation to get out of bed.
    i'm tired of failing classes despite my high intelligence; i just don't really care about them nor much else enough. it's that much worse, knowing that i'm so god damn smart and i still can't solve my problems.
    i'm tired of going three or four days at a time without speaking to anyone, or anyone speaking to me.
    i'm tired of coming home every night and sitting in a chair doing nothing, literally NOTHING, until i'm too tired to stay upright.
    i'm tired of unrequited love, of futile hopes and dreams.
    i'm tired of scorn and contempt, of introversion and ostracism.
    i'm tired of goals unmet and resolutions not kept.
    i'm tired of no one caring enough to help me.
    i'm tired of being unloved and unwanted.

    life is a sad, sad thing indeed if it can make people feel (or, more accurately, not feel) the way i do.

    i'm tired of life.

    i want it to end.

    i don't want to shoot myself, hang myself, or anything of the like; i just want to sit down and fade into oblivion, and i can't, so my emotions, my hopes, my dreams, they continue to drain away.

    i felt i should tell someone before i'm too numb to care
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Gabriel. Don't give up hope that one day you will meet the right person. I'm sure there is someone in the world for everyone. You just have to look hard enough. Sorry to hear that you're feeling so down.
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Hi, Gabriel. I suspect there are people who care about you more than you realize. I think you're smart enough to know that. The trouble is, high intelligence doesn't guarantee fulfillment or happiness. It ought to give you a leg up on learning to live life well.

    If you're as intelligent as you say, then you probably have authors you like reading. If not, find your library and find authors you can enjoy reading. There's no need to sit staring at walls until you fall asleep.

    As far as being touched, etc. Lots of guys are without girlfriends until they're 30 or more, then they find the woman they want to spend life with. I know how important relationships are, and you should keep finding ways to socialize, (I think the Bible says something like, "If a man wants to find friends, he must make himself friendly"), but the world won't end if you don't find the very ones you want.

    I'm sorry you feel as you do. I've been there and am still there some days. It's not the kind of life anyone wants to live. But, you sound to me like a person who can find ways to make changes.

    Stay around here and stay safe.

  4. thanks for your kind words, but i just can't imagine looking any harder than i have; to have been met with absolutely no success despite six years of effort is indicative of some kind of trend.

    i don't have much more emotion to invest.

  5. thanks for your support, jim. i am, or rather i used to be, one of the most voracious readers you'd ever meet; i've read more than 3,000 books and i used to have no intention of slowing down. i was also a huge movie buff, and a major player of role playing games; the half life saga, especially half life 2, is in my opinion one of the greatest modern odysseys.
    but spending my time on such things just doesn't seem worth it any more, and after consistent failure in all social endeavors, i'm failing to see anything for me in trying to establish feasible relationships.

    i know that many men don't have any sort of female companionship until they're well into their thirties; i'm no stranger to involuntary celibacy. i don't think my psyche could survive even another year of isolation, let alone fourteen or more.

    i've spent myself trying to learn the intricacies and nuances of social engagement to no avail, and i see no means of continuing on.

    as you mentioned early on, intelligence doesn't guarantee fulfillment or happiness; it does, though, readily facilitate introversion and unavoidable depressive thinking when faced with a truly depressing reality.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling so bad about things gabriel. I realize you want things to change as you are unhappy with your current situation. Maybe if you could adjust your mindset about the importance of some of those things, it won't seem so impossible.There are things you can't force to happen. they come in their own time. You need to be patient. Don't give up hoping. :hug:
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello gabriel,
    Do you live up north or in the south? If you live in the south you may want to Slow yourself down. PPL in the south also don't use all the big words you use. You might want to see a therapist and ask what you can do to fit in with your surroundings. People up north tend to talk fast and are always in a hurry. So that is the best example I can come up with for now....Take Care!~Joseph~
  8. i live up north, on long island.

    i've been in therapy for most of my life, and in intensive therapy for the past four years. nothing has worked, and i can't see a real way to keep myself from dissociating completely and slipping into a void, and despite all my best efforts, i can't convince myself that my life has any meaning.
  9. i've made as objective an assessment of my life as i can, and by trying to change my point of view i would only be deluding myself.
  10. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Things can only get better if you change them. You have to make a concerted effort. Admittedly some things are not easy, some may be impossible to change, but there will be things in your life that you can make better or easier.
    By giving up, your losing out on what could be great, what could be waiting for you right around the corner. :hug:
  11. i don't think i have any more effort to spend; i've burnt out
  12. that's just it, i've made concerted efforts in every direction i can think of, but nothing has worked. what should i do?
  13. rootedphoenix

    rootedphoenix Well-Known Member

    Maybe writing out your feelings would help. Just give yourself a few minutes, write/type out everything you feel without editing. Maybe that will help? Sometimes just easing the load does wonders.
  14. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Have you tried volunteering to help people? It's a really nice way to give your life purpose to it. :hug:
  15. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Another "perhaps", Gabriel. Perhaps you could begin by being a friend to women, not thinking of them as dating material. As was suggested, you could find some good people if you volunteer, just by being out in the public, associating with others. Perhaps (again) your therapist could suggest some appropriate places to volunteer. And for #3 perhaps, perhaps you might get back to reading - just for the enjoyment of it.

    a former New Yorker
  16. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    Life long Long Islander myself. You said you studied the intricacies and nuances of social engagement- if I may offer my opinion this may be a problem. Friendships happen without analysis or calculated effort; it comes down to the elusive factor of "chemistry". Friendship and especially intimacy develops when two personalities "click" through mutual desires, sympathies, interests and values.
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