I just don't know anymore

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by ItsAllADoubt, Nov 1, 2015.

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  1. ItsAllADoubt

    ItsAllADoubt New Member

    I'm 23 years old, I've not exactly had a perfect life so far. Ive always tried my hardest to push through any obstacle that gets put in my way. Lately I feel I just can't overcome anything.

    I'm so sick and tired of not feeling good enough. People always go on about anxiety ect and how it affects their lives day in and day out, yet they're perfectly fine. ( I know I don't know what goes on behind closed doors) but the way I feel, I couldn't even pretend to be okay.

    I lost both my parents when I was in my late teens. Father passed, mother left. Then she passed this year.

    I'm constantly in doubt with everything and everyone, on edge that everyone around me just see's me as getting in the way.

    I guess it comes from being in and out of care since I could remember. It's all I remember of my childhood, being taken away from my parents every other week. Social services coming to my school, taking me and my siblings far away without any explanation. All I had was hope. It wasn't a nice experience I had, it's not like (Tracy Beaker) or any other care show out there. It's daunting, terrifying and you get treated like an outsider wherever you go.

    I feel I've overcome all that and have accepted that it can't be changed, so it's time to start pushing myself towards a good future. But I just can't. :'( I don't want to be here and it pains me everyday because I do have people that love me. I adore my siblings and would do anything for them. (They're the only reason I haven't succeeded in giving up.) but I'm not happy, I'm not even the slightest bit. It's an ongoing pit of darkness that I feel just consumes and overwhelms me.

    I've spoken to my doctor and have got some help. BUT THEY DONT GET IT THEY DONT UNDERSTAND! They just through anti depressions my way and let me get on with my day.

    So many people go to the doctors and seek help, not because they need it but because it draws attention. It makes it so difficult for the people that generally need the help.

    Wherever you are next, turn to the people around you and ask which of those have a mental illness or anxiety problems, guaranteed 8/10 will say yes.

    You'll never see me post or say anything on a social media site that indicates my anxiety or illness is a problem, like the majority of people. Unlike them, I don't see this as something to say out loud and be proud about it.

    It's horrible and I want this feeling gone, why would anybody be okay with this?

    I need someone out there, that has felt this low, where they felt no point of return but have overcome it and can say they smile now.

    I'm so scared because deep down I don't want to die, I don't want to give up on my life. Especially when there're people out there fighting for theirs. (Tearing up as write this.) I'd happily give my life for someone else's terminal illness, because I don't feel I deserve mine for feeling this way. How selfish can I be to think like this whilst people out there everywhere are fighting.

    I need help, one day very soon I feel it's all going to become to much. I just want to be heard.

    I wish my parents were still alive, I'm only young and had to fend for myself since 16. I'd give anything for a phone call or to hear their voice one more time. People don't realise how lucky they have it with theirs and then take them for granted.

    No matter what the social (Thought they knew) my parents loved us all and tried their hardest and it was the social that ruined my life, not my family.

    Really sorry for going on, but please I need to know there's someone out there that has won this fight.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    well i hear you and i am sorry you had a rough life You are not alone in wanting to give up not seeing hope but it is there
    People have beaten depression and anxiety you are on meds which is good but therapy with meds are said to be better
    to deal with your past so you can move forward You do have family your siblings who love you so hang on ok keep reaching out for support
  3. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    (Hey I posted on your earlier thread but in case you didn't see it I'll repost it here.)
    Hello, I want to start out by saying welcome and that you've come to a very safe place, every one here understands suicide ideation. I'm only 20 and have had some difficulties in life, but none as bad as yours so I may not be correct on this: I'm not sure we ever completely win this fight and stop the pain forever, but I don't think this is bad news. Last night some good friends on this forum were the only thing keeping me from seriously self harming myself, I was in a very dark place, but this morning I woke up and put on some good music, saw it was a beautiful day out, and felt like I had a fresh start. I guess my point is that it doesn't matter how often we get knocked down by depressin as long as we keep picking ourselves back up. That's just my perspective though, there are people here who have experienced every possible difficulty and everyone here underststanda what it's like to struggle, so please keep coming here and never hesistate to ask for help :)
  4. ItsAllADoubt

    ItsAllADoubt New Member

    Hey. Thanks for the reply. I kinda felt stupid after posting it as I was like. "Oh look at me. Lol"

    It's nice you're a similar age and going through the same thing. Well not nice but you get my point. I guess it's just days are worse than others. I've had 16 months DBT, with professional pysch at the priory clinic. But even they seemed dumb themselves. The programs was not for me. I felt it was better at first but then just stop noticing a change ect.

    So o feel I'm totally helpless on getting help. Lol. I wanna feel I can move toward but man it's hard.
  5. robroy

    robroy Well-Known Member

    Yeah I know the feeling, I just returned to therapy after 8 sessions with a school physcologist. I don't think we can expect change all at once, I think we just need to be satisfied with small improvements and with moving forward an inch at a time sometimes.
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