I just don't know anymore.. :'(

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Tsunami, Feb 7, 2011.

  1. Tsunami

    Tsunami Member

    I wish I was good at something. One thing. Doesn't matter what it is. I look at see people younger than me already brilliant at what they do, or people slightly older than me who are masters of their craft. I know, it's not.."right" to compare myself to them. I still do it anyway. I've got no self esteem; it was torn to shreds by the man I called my father. Sure, I'm "good" at things, to me - that's just a nicer way of saying -you're nothing special-. I'm entirely sure that, upon reading this, you'll think that I'm attention seeking. A little attention would be nice, I won't lie. Then again, I'm used to either getting perceived like I don't exist, or as a punching bag for the drunk.

    I know I'm only 15 and I've got my "whole life ahead of me"; that's not how I am anymore. I've got a new image of myself, and I can't waste time - I've wasted damn near five years of my life. Five years of hell. I just wish I had an escape from it. I think about everything that's happened the past 5 years and it hurts. It's always there.

    I think a little differently from people I know. They either think in pictures, or words. I think in video. I've attempted to look that up but have come across nothing. Anything I think about is a movie in my head that constantly evolves in real time into whatever I make it. I want to show the world how I think; I want to show how I interpret the world; whether it be by sound or through visual aids. I'm interested in film, audio and video games, more so creating/producing said things. I day dream quite a bit to escape reality, even for a few brief moments. The old me would have settled with just knowing how to, but the new me is terrified of failing even the slightest. Besides, even if I wanted to I couldn't. I've no motivation, no energy for the most part. I mean, at times, usually around 2-4 am, I'll get a weird burst of energy and feel like laughing and want to do .. everything! I try to do something but it just..fades. I don't even know why. - Anyway, I learned C# myself, and I've programmed ten or so 2D games, and two to three 3D games, but there's only so much I can do without spending money on 3D assets, sound, etc. to make a proper full game (I used placeholder things, such as repeated assets (models) to fill in things..). I wouldn't be allowed to buy a camera, or sound equipment. My laptop I bought with my own money, which I used to .. accumulate from birthdays, special days, etc. - though that stopped. I used to steal from my dad ($0.25 - $2 coins), but only to eat lunch, and even then I just put it aside to get things I wanted to get. I felt terrible purchasing the items though. There was so many things people had that I never had and wanted to get but couldn't.

    I "skipped" year 1/grade 1, and finished primary/elementary school in 2006. I went to live with my father and start secondary school/high school - he was neutral at this stage. I started school, went for 4 days and left. I stopped going because I was addicted to MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games) - and I was addicted because for the first time .. people liked me. They didn't know me personally so I could half be myself and fabricate the rest. This is what kills me. I didn't go to school till the next school year, effectively wasting that grade skip. I went back to the UK in December '06, and went back to Canada in March '07. My father had taken a turn for the worse; to him I was a terrible child, one who deserved to be tormented and punished on a daily basis without mercy.

    My life crumbled. I went from a confused, lonely child to a stoic teenage punching bag. I had nobody, and still don't have anybody. I've pretty much repressed feelings, only telling my "story" now (and in my .. intro post on the welcome forums). There's so much inside that I can't tell to anyone. I thought I could do it, I was a man after all -- at least I liked to think of myself as a man. The reality is .. strange.

    I'm not a tough guy. I'm quite sensitive and empathetic, actually. In video games, if a good guy dies, heck, even if a bad guy dies unfairly (say he was just sitting around eating purchased food, and gets backstabbed) - it hurts me inside. I can't help it. I don't like to see people suffering. I wish I could do something, but I can't. I can't even help myself. I'm losing what's left of me. If I don't share things that I have (namely food, or junk food, or ..) - I feel terrible. I feel bad if I even lightly punch someone, I don't want to hurt them..

    I've definitely left quite a bit out, but it's just hard to not only get it out in text, but making sure it's coherent.

    Would I like to make movies, produce music, work with artists, release games? Definitely. I'd love to. I'd love to work with talented people who are.."found" by the public because of me. It's nice - I gave them the chance needed to show people how talented they really are. Everyone needs a bit of fame in my opinion; a reward for how hard you've worked to get there.

    I don't really know how I can keep going. I don't want to die because those around me will suffer, and no matter how bad they've treated me, I just can't do that to them. I can't run away. I can't leave the house alone! - what am I to do?

    You might say - Just wait! It'll get better! - yeah well I have waited. I can't keep waiting. I've got a barely any hope left, and I know when I hope for something, I'll never get it, and it kills me inside then. I can't do it. I'm in pain all the time , added pain isn't worth it.

    Sorry for the long post. I just am at the stage where I used to know what to do but now..I'm just..breaking down. I cry a lot now. I just don't know what to do.

  2. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF.

    Im not sure I have the words to help but I can tell you from being married to a programmer that teaching yourself all those programs is a super hard thing to do, your really smart, ever thought of teaching or turtoring computer classes. I know theres alot that dont get it or have a hard time with what youve taught yourself.

    Just wanted to say I read your post, and I hope things get better and yes I will say give your life some time to work itself out a little. This time in your life is so stressful, full of hormones and all that blah stuff a teen has to go through.

    Keep talking and letting your feelings out, it helps alot.