I just don't know right now.....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Invisible Child, Sep 9, 2016.

  1. Invisible Child

    Invisible Child Antiquities Friend

    If this post doesn't belong here, please forgive me and delete if you need to. I hope that I do not trigger anyone with this post, if I do I am so very sorry in advance.

    Growing up I never got along with my mother. She was one of my abuser, abandoned me twice because she didn't want me and could never love someone as ugly as I was. At one point this woman told me I was adopted, then when I start asking a lot of questions tells me it wasn't true. I can't even count how many times she told me she wished she had aborted me when she was pregnant. I was so confused because she tells me I'm not her child and in another breath tells me that she wanted to abort me.

    My world was turned upside down on August 18th of this year. I got a text message at work saying that mom wasn't doing good. I get sent home early to deal with this. That text message was at 12:38. I call my daddy on the way home and he tells me that he didn't think she would still be there in the morning. At 7:35 that same evening I get a phone call from my sister-in-law telling me that mom had passed at 7:19. I go to work the following morning to see about time for the funeral and the plant manager tells me that was not going to bend the rules and give me a day off to attend a funeral because I was still in my probation period. No arrangements for mom had even been made yet so I was fired without cause.

    I did not go to the funeral for several reason (yes this makes me a horrible person). I didn't want to believe this was real because of how much I hated for for all she has done to me, I don't know that I would have survived with all the people there because of my anxiety was so high, the tires on my car were not safe for that distance, I would have driving 3 hours one day and back alone, and my birth father was going to be there. I feel guilty for not going but I did go to her resting place and burnt a note I wrote to her. Because I did not go to the funeral, no one is talking to me in the family and was even madder that I didn't stop in to visit with them when I did go. The only person that has said anything to me is my sister who was bragging about what mom had left her and her daughters and how mad she was the mom left me, who was not a real part of the family something in her will. I officially have no family left. I also don't think I have a friend because she is so hard to get a hold of, I have given up, Not because I don't love her but because I will either make it on my own with everything or get completely to the point that it will be over for me as well. I walked around for 2 weeks like nothing happened but then reality decided to hit me in the face which has completely pushed me back to old habits that I thought I had beat and trying to find a reason to go on in this life. All I have left is myself and I am my worst enemy right now.

    My feeling are all over the place. My whole life as I knew it was nothing but a lie. So I question who I really am, what do I stand for, will life ever make sense to me again. I am mad, hurt, confused, crushed, feeling worthless and unwanted.....kind of like the person I thought I was is dead and all that is left is the trash that no one wanted. I find myself wanting this person to die as well. I do not see myself making it long if I can't find myself and heal all the crap that is going on in my heart.
  2. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I think that all of these feelings you are describing are valid. Even though your mother was abusive, you held ties with her and her death still brings you grief, sadness and anger. You can't help it, and it's not a bad thing. Also, I wouldn't put all that much guilt on yourself for not attending the funeral. It's your choice and you don't need a list of excuses to make yourself feel better about it. You simply did not want to go and that's okay. I do not go to funerals because it's too painful for me. If others don't get that, I'm at a point where I don't care. My older sister dies a few years back, I didn't go to her funeral because she was a lousy, rotten person who tortured me growing up. I have no guilt or regret at all. I'm sure that I was hot gossip in my family and their circle, but I just don't care. People will always criticize you if you don't go along with their beliefs, their traditions or their thoughts.

    I think that life WILL make sense to you again. You definitely need time for grief, for recovery and for re-assessing and contemplating what it is that YOU want to to with YOUR life. I know it's hard to do, but put yourself first, do what you need to do to make your life work for you, even if you have to let people go along the way. YOU are the one who counts the most.

    As for your job, I don't know the labour laws where you are, but where I live, it's illegal to fire someone who needs a day off for a funeral, despite probation period. Maybe contacting the labour board would shed some light on whether or not something can be done about that.

    I hope that you feel better and can find a way to love who you are. I hope this helps, hugs xxx