I Just Don't Know What To Do Anymore

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by imalone, Sep 20, 2016.

  1. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    Over these past few months my depression has turned the biggest corner. I've been struggling with self harm, anxiety, an eating disorder, depression and suicidal thoughts for quite a bit now but ive never been so convinced on wanting to die before.

    I spend all night tossing and turning and crying. I lock myself in my room in mornings and as soon as my parents and brother leave I start having huge mental breakdowns and crying. I refuse to eat breakfast, no matter how many times my dad yells at me for it. On the way to school I get the bus alone and I just feel trapped in my thoughts and as soon as I reach the school I try to gather composure and hide my crying as best as I can but I just find it so hard. I get to the gates and see my friends and before I used to talk to them but now I just stand there with my head hung down and my earphones in.

    When I go into my form room I sit on my own at the side of the room and get out this book that I draw in and keep a diary in and I just feel horrible. The boys that sit near me just throw stuff at me or joke about me in whatever way possible. And I'm a really emotionally fragile person: even if they just tell me to move out of the way I get teary. In class I try to focus on my work but its getting harder and harder. I'm scared that my grades will drop but I'm too scared to ask for help or talk to anyone for that matter. I cry in class a lot now but I'm terrified of being seen crying for fear of being made fun of. I've never been good at making friends or socialising and I've always been that shy, quiet, "different" kid in the class that no one really talks to.

    At lunch I hide or throw away my food or try to pretend like I'm eating. But I usually only take a few bites of a sandwich or a few gulps of water. Food is the last thing on my mind now, I just don't want to eat, I don't feel hungry, I don't feel worthy enough to eat food, but I feel horrible for wasting it.

    Then I carry on the day just keeping to myself. I'm alone in quite a lot of my classes so its easy to slip back into my dark mindset without anyone to talk to. But no-one really notices me in class anyway. People just use me for answers or to borrow equipment or to ask me weird questions and then laugh at me.

    After school is over I spend most of the time in my room, I pull down the blinds, turn off the lights and just sit there doing whatever I have to do. I only come downstairs when I'm called for meals, which I am never hungry for, but cannot get out as my parents keep saying how I'm not eating enough.

    By the end of the day I'm always reduced to tears and horrible thoughts. Recently I've not been able to get the idea of me jumping off the roof of one of the school buildings. The thought just replays over in my mind. Today on the bus I thought I was actually going to jump today but I said to myself that I would wait at least a month as I am going to my first concert on Saturday and it was my friends birthday just yesterday.

    I just feel lost and abandoned. No-one asks how I am doing. No-one helps me. Nobody cares about me, nobody. My dad just yells at me when he finds out I have been skipping food or self harming. My mum becomes disappointed and keeps trying to talk to me about if I want to see a doctor: I do but I don't. I'm too scared too and now I don't want to get better. I just want to die. I just want to stop being a burden on everyone, I just want to get away from the world. I can't help but feel this way, no matter what anybody says.

    My friends and parents all know about everything: besides my suicidal feelings because I just can't tell them, I'm scared and I feel horrible for bothering them. I've been thinking about confiding in a teacher but I don't know. I wouldn't know where to start or what to say. I breakdown really easily and I'm scared to be seen in public crying. I'm not good at talking directly face-to-face about my feelings to anybody for fear of being reacted to badly. I was thinking about writing a note but i wouldnt know how to give it to him or how to start or how much to give away as i dont know how serious it would be taken or if other teachers or adults would be driven into it. I just have no-one to talk to as I'm slowly drifting apart from my friends.

    I'm sorry for rambling so much but I just needed to get this out some way, I'm scared and at one of my darkest moments ever. Thankyou for reading this, I just don't know what to do. I'm always tired, im always sad and I'm always worrying about everything, no matter how little and insignificant. I just feel like I shouldn't be here and that I don't deserve to be here.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey imalone, I'm So sorry you are this sad and struggling. Please consider getting help. If you don't want to see the doctor, is there a school counsellor you could speak with and get some direction. You really can feel better with some help. It breaks my heart to hear you so sad at such a young age, there are good people who will help you.
    Welcome to this forum, you can get some of the bad feelings out here and it's a safe place with good people that'll support you through this time. But please consider getting help, it can get better for you.
    imalone likes this.
  3. libra

    libra Active Member

    I would speak to a teacher I trusted and like you I'm not the best with social conversations so I usually write things down handing it in is the hard part. Hand it in at form time labelled to the teacher you want it to go to, it's always a worry parents would be involved but I'm sure it's better to have someone on your side to understand you and help communicate this to your family so that you can be heard. A school councillor if you have one is really good place to start. I hope the concert can lift you in some way. Thinking of you. I hope nothing I said was offensive or pushy. X
    imalone likes this.
  4. It's Going To Be Ok

    It's Going To Be Ok Active Member

    Hi Imalone, thinking about you :(. School was hard for me too, especially the earlier ones. I too am fairly emotionally fragile although I hate to admit it. And again, like you, I find it extremely hard to talk to people about what I'm feeling. I look back now and think about how much better my life could have been at that point if I had just reached out, to anybody. I think talking to a teacher is an excellent idea. Pick one you like and just get something out, just tell them one little piece and before you know it you'll have told the whole story. They're there for you and they became a teacher because they love watching their students grow. We're always here to talk to you too don't forget it and please keep me updated I'd like to help you out if I can.
    imalone likes this.
  5. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hugs. Tell someone. What about writing it down and giving it to someone. Can you practice telling someone by calling a helpline.
    imalone likes this.
  6. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    Thankyou, it really means a lot. I'm not sure if we have a counsellor but we have a doctor or nurse, I was thinking about contacting but I didn't do it because I don't really know how much to give away or what to say or even who the person is. I've never been good at asking for help no matter what it was for. I'm scared of getting help by myself because of what will happen afterwards and the reactions I will get.
    Thankyou for trying to help me, it means a lot.
    Brian777 likes this.
  7. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the help, it really does mean a lot. Don't worry you weren't offensive or pushy, you were really nice and I'm flattered that you wanted to help me in the first place, I'm not used to getting help. I've been thinking about writing a letter but I just don't know where to start as my head is all over the place and I don't know how much to give away as some teachers will tell others especially when self-harm and suicidal thoughts are mentioned. Thank you so much for trying to help.
  8. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    Thank you, it really does mean a lot to me. I do want to write a letter but i just don't know where to start or what I should give away first. I might start my letter tonight or tomorrow morning. Thank you, I can't tell you how much it means to me.
  9. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    Thank You for replying, it means a lot. I've never tried calling a helpline because I'm scared of not knowing what to say or how to act. I'm trying to slowly work up the confidence to write a letter to one of my teachers asking for help but I find it hard to talk to people in general, and I'm not good at asking for help for anything.
    Thank you.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, if you ever need someone to talk to I am usually always free. I think you have a lot of courage to be posting here. Write a letter to your parents or the school or even better mail it to your parents, that way the hand over of it and awkwardness will be lost. You say no one cares but your thoughts are not facts hun. You deserve help so reach out and get it, feel free to drop me a PM anytime. I wish you all the best.
    imalone likes this.
  11. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    Thank you, I'm going to try writing a letter to my teacher, I'm just thinking of what to put in it.
  12. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm so glad to hear you are going to reach out for help. You deserve it, you are worthy of support and happiness. If you are most comfortable writing to your teacher, you should do that. However, if you have a school nurse, they will be well trained on how to help you, that is their job. They can assess your mood and risk, and organise support and resources for you (I work as a school nurse one day a week).
    imalone likes this.
  13. imalone

    imalone Well-Known Member

    Thankyou for trying to help me, it really does mean a lot. I do have a school nurse but I'm not even sure who it is. A couple of weeks ago they gave us the school nurses number to call or text for help but I'm not sure, sometimes talking to complete strangers is as hard as talking to someone i know.
  14. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, welcome to the forum. You are doing the right thing by speaking to the nurse. You are important and never think different. Please PM @Petal as she very helpful and will help you.

    Forget about self-harming methods, but use the alternative such as elastic bands or ice cubes when you are feeling down. When you are down, pull the elastic band and the sting will help you overcome any aniexty or use ice cubes. These will help and have no long term effects.

    I am not going to lie, some days you will feel low and some days you will high. Don't worry about your peers as the most important thing right now is "YOU".

    Please speak to others here on the chat rooms and they will help. If anyone offends you, please use the "report" function.

    Keep posting and most important be safe.
  15. Deety

    Deety Well-Known Member

    How are things going for you? Hope you are ok, did you manage to reach out to anyone yet?