Over these past few months my depression has turned the biggest corner. I've been struggling with self harm, anxiety, an eating disorder, depression and suicidal thoughts for quite a bit now but ive never been so convinced on wanting to die before. I spend all night tossing and turning and crying. I lock myself in my room in mornings and as soon as my parents and brother leave I start having huge mental breakdowns and crying. I refuse to eat breakfast, no matter how many times my dad yells at me for it. On the way to school I get the bus alone and I just feel trapped in my thoughts and as soon as I reach the school I try to gather composure and hide my crying as best as I can but I just find it so hard. I get to the gates and see my friends and before I used to talk to them but now I just stand there with my head hung down and my earphones in. When I go into my form room I sit on my own at the side of the room and get out this book that I draw in and keep a diary in and I just feel horrible. The boys that sit near me just throw stuff at me or joke about me in whatever way possible. And I'm a really emotionally fragile person: even if they just tell me to move out of the way I get teary. In class I try to focus on my work but its getting harder and harder. I'm scared that my grades will drop but I'm too scared to ask for help or talk to anyone for that matter. I cry in class a lot now but I'm terrified of being seen crying for fear of being made fun of. I've never been good at making friends or socialising and I've always been that shy, quiet, "different" kid in the class that no one really talks to. At lunch I hide or throw away my food or try to pretend like I'm eating. But I usually only take a few bites of a sandwich or a few gulps of water. Food is the last thing on my mind now, I just don't want to eat, I don't feel hungry, I don't feel worthy enough to eat food, but I feel horrible for wasting it. Then I carry on the day just keeping to myself. I'm alone in quite a lot of my classes so its easy to slip back into my dark mindset without anyone to talk to. But no-one really notices me in class anyway. People just use me for answers or to borrow equipment or to ask me weird questions and then laugh at me. After school is over I spend most of the time in my room, I pull down the blinds, turn off the lights and just sit there doing whatever I have to do. I only come downstairs when I'm called for meals, which I am never hungry for, but cannot get out as my parents keep saying how I'm not eating enough. By the end of the day I'm always reduced to tears and horrible thoughts. Recently I've not been able to get the idea of me jumping off the roof of one of the school buildings. The thought just replays over in my mind. Today on the bus I thought I was actually going to jump today but I said to myself that I would wait at least a month as I am going to my first concert on Saturday and it was my friends birthday just yesterday. I just feel lost and abandoned. No-one asks how I am doing. No-one helps me. Nobody cares about me, nobody. My dad just yells at me when he finds out I have been skipping food or self harming. My mum becomes disappointed and keeps trying to talk to me about if I want to see a doctor: I do but I don't. I'm too scared too and now I don't want to get better. I just want to die. I just want to stop being a burden on everyone, I just want to get away from the world. I can't help but feel this way, no matter what anybody says. My friends and parents all know about everything: besides my suicidal feelings because I just can't tell them, I'm scared and I feel horrible for bothering them. I've been thinking about confiding in a teacher but I don't know. I wouldn't know where to start or what to say. I breakdown really easily and I'm scared to be seen in public crying. I'm not good at talking directly face-to-face about my feelings to anybody for fear of being reacted to badly. I was thinking about writing a note but i wouldnt know how to give it to him or how to start or how much to give away as i dont know how serious it would be taken or if other teachers or adults would be driven into it. I just have no-one to talk to as I'm slowly drifting apart from my friends. I'm sorry for rambling so much but I just needed to get this out some way, I'm scared and at one of my darkest moments ever. Thankyou for reading this, I just don't know what to do. I'm always tired, im always sad and I'm always worrying about everything, no matter how little and insignificant. I just feel like I shouldn't be here and that I don't deserve to be here.