I just don't know what to do.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by slyndsey, Nov 6, 2010.

  1. slyndsey

    slyndsey Member

    I'm only seventeen.
    A year ago exactly, my mother left my father and we moved across the country to Ohio.
    I hate it here. The days are constantly a blur.
    I miss my home, and my father.
    I've been struggling for a year now.
    I have started seeing a couselor, but she doesn't help.
    I'm completely alone here.
    My mother, well, she's busy with her own life to notice me.
    I have a boyfriend.
    Well, I had a boyfriend.
    I don't know, I still might.
    He's all I have here.
    Literally, he's the only one I talk to.
    I sit alone in all of my classes.
    People avoid me.
    They think I'm awkward or something.
    I don't know.
    But last night, I went over to my boyfriends house.
    He's just as lonely as I am, except he wants to change that and be happy.
    Well, he asked me last night,
    "Do you want to be happy?"
    And I couldn't answer. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I've been so miserable for so long that I'm afraid of being happy. Maybe it's because he excepted me to answer, "yes." Maybe it's because I just wanted to see what would happen if I said no.
    So I said no.
    And he looked me straight in the eyes, and I could see the frustration building, his thoughts slowly turning to chaos.
    He started really getting frustrated then.
    He started yelling at me and lecturing me about how miserable I am.
    And how he hated that I just stood there and took it, I didn't even fight back.
    God, he hated that.
    He eventually got up to take me home.
    And I don't know, I went to hug him and he pushed away.
    Something inside of me thought he would take me right back.
    But he pushed me away.
    "Do you want to be happy and be with me, or do you want to miserable and alone?" He was angry. I couldn't speak. I just stood there and stared at the floor.
    He took my hand and led me into the garage and out into the cold and into his car.
    He got in and started driving.
    The ride home was silent.
    I stared out the window, my mind was in chaos. I had no idea what was going on.
    We finally reached my house and he parked the car and turned off the engine.
    "I could just say goodbye tonight and leave you and hate you and never talk to you again because you're fucking crazy."
    Tears streaming down my face, I replied with a whisper.
    "I don't want that."
    "Me either, but I can't stay with you and be miserable all the time."
    The tears stopped.
    I snapped out of it and we got out of the car.
    He attempted to grab my hand, but I pulled away.
    It felt awkard.
    He had just trampled all over me, and still he grabbed my hand?
    We walked up the stairs to my apartment, and I said I didn't know what just happened.
    And he responded with,
    "I don't know. Talk to me when you feel like it."

    I went inside and felt completely lost.
    You don't understand, he is ALL I have here.
    I sat in silence in my room and cried.
    I called him and he merely said,
    "Let's just sleep on it and we'll see how I feel about us tomorrow."

    I took some Nyquil, and wandered into the kitchen.
    I, for the first time, contemplated suicide.
    I was desperate. I didn't know what to do.
    I emailed my friend from my old hometown and exclaimed everything that happened. All he said was that I needed to relax and try not to think about it.
    It was nearly two in the morning at that point.
    I went to bed.
    And I forced myself to go back to sleep the numerous times I woke up this morning.

    I decided to text my boyfriend around 10.
    He just replied a few minutes ago.
    This was our conversation.

    "You're probably at the band competition, but please, whenever you have the chance please just tell me your decision."

    "Stop that."

    "Stop what? You can't do this to me anymore. Do you still want to be with me or not?"


    I paniced at this again and fell to the ground sobbing. The thoughts of suicide passed through my mind again.

    "No? Please, please give me another chance. Please."

    "We'll talk later."

    I don't think I can survive until 'later.'
    I feel completely and utterly alone.
    Even as I type this and cry my eyes out and tear my hair out, desperatly and silently screaming for help, my mother is just in the other room on her computer, completely unaware.
    The whole world is completely unaware.
    I just don't know what to do.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're being treated like that Lyndsey...
    are you able to talk to your Mum? I'm sure she would want to know you're in pain
  3. adamblast

    adamblast Member

    You sure sound to me like you want to be happy. For me, it can be a hard question to "say yes" to -- because it doesn't seem possible, and wanting what you can never have just makes life even harder.

    Sounds like your boyfriend is looking for a sliver of hope, and you don't feel like you've got any to give. Maybe he feels like he's being put in an impossible situation too.

    I've had desperate friends act like I'm the only one they can talk to. Like I'm their only possible savior. It's more responsibility than I can handle, and it's not fair to either of us. I could be off-base with any or all of this, of course, but it sounds like a discussion of hope and/or hopelessness is in order. Remember, as best you can, that he's got his own one-of-a-kind set of frustrations, fears, etc too, even if I can't express them as well as you do. No one wants to be dragged down into the pit by others. I'm hoping you're able to talk it out with him calmly and that things work out better for you. [Hugs]