i just don't know

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Jan 13, 2013.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    been starting at a blank space for the last 15 minutes

    nothing is wrong yet everything is wrong

    sitting here doing laundry - cat asleep next to me - and all i can feel is a complete emptiness

    wife downstairs, son and daughters on their computers - all i can feel is alone

    want to be by myself without being alone - does that make any sense?

    head hurts, heart hurts

    all i can do is ramble

    hate this - hate this, hate this, HATE THIS

    hate myself

    shouldn't be taking up oxygen that other people need

    not sure if this is a crisis or not - does that make a difference?

    want to scream until i go hoarse

    want to bang my head on the wall until i bleed

    want to lie down and take a nap

    want to pretend that there's a point

    want to pretend that anyone cares

    want to pretend that everything will be alright

    want to pretend that i can be content

    want to pretend that i can be happy

    want to pretend that i matter - to anyone
  2. midnightstar

    midnightstar Senior Member

    You do matter Wastingecho :hug:
  3. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    You matter to me. And I know you know that. I know you matter to your kids.

    Depression is a bitch, i understand. I wish i could be there with you. I won't say it'll be okay because i personally hate when people say that shit but it can get better.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You matter to me, and I care. Here if you need anything. I hope you'll allow yourself to realize we really do care.
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    it's all illusion
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    What's all illusion?
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    not an illusion hun people do care about you and for you hun Please know that you are special h ugs
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    not special - I'm nobody - I'm nothing
  9. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    That's not true. Maybe it's what the sadness and depression are telling you... it may be what the world has tried to get you to believe in the past. But people do care now. It's not an illusion, it's real.
  10. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    couldn't even start the week right - in my fugue to leave the house this morning i forgot my wallet so no lunch for me

    won't borrow money from anyone

    everything that could go wrong this morning, has - fighting an uphill battle to get anything done and wondering why i bother - think i'm the only one stupid enough to put up with this shit

    screaming inside my head

    so tired of the relentless struggle when nothing works out in the end anyway

    the pointlessness of it all is just making it hard to breathe - don't think breathing is worth the effort much longer
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    now i get a call from my wife - took the car in to deal with a slow leak and the garage is telling me that not only can it NOT be fixed, but that i need to replace 3 tires

    can barely scrape up enough for one

    can't stand this any more

    want to finish this all right now - just want to be done

    going to take a walk and look for opportunities

    won't be back if i find one
  12. Tired John

    Tired John Well-Known Member

    Hi Wastingecho, haven't spoken with you before, but wanted to say you struck a chord with me. I know that awful feeling of "ahh crap, another problem to deal with" when you haven't got all of those that came before under control yet. Seems to be my life story lately. I'd offer some wise advise if I had any, unfortunately I don't.
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    made it home - everyone is watching the biggest loser - don't have to be heavy to qualify
  14. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we like you here!!
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not a loser, and I'm glad you made it back. :hug:
  16. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    you just don't know me well enough
  17. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    years of getting up at before 4 to get to work takes its toll

    been falling asleep on the couch just after dinner for months now - forcing my way to bed by 10 and still not sleeping well

    last night took a shower at 9 - came out of the bathroom around 9:30 and heard an eharmony commercial talking asking have you found your perfect match

    then heard my wife - with my 22 year old daughter in the room - tell the tv - i used to think so but he's always in the bedroom so maybe not

    she won't miss me
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: Just want you to know I'm listening, you're being heard. Wish there was more I could do.
  19. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Your wife said that?? Wow I'm sorry :/ Has she even tried to wonder WHY? Maybe she should try to be there for you instead of making asshole comments to your daughter..
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