i just don't know....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alzam, May 9, 2007.

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  1. Alzam

    Alzam New Member

    I sit here and read the same things over and over, (ie. it will get better) looking for an answer, the hurt just keeps building inside, I hold on to my children as a reason to stay, but seriously each day brings a new problem and I'm not talking about small ones, they are BIG ones, life changing problems. no matter how hard I try to hold on, how much I pray, all I do is let those I love so dear down. every night I lay in bed praying tomorrow will turn a new leaf, hoping that I won't hit another hole, then asking not to wake up.
    To have so much love for your family and NOT be able to change anything is awful. I'm scared, for weeks now, I keep a suicide letter in my back pocket just in case. I don't know why I'm writing this I just need to let something out, I don't know if it will help or not but i'm running out of resources. I'm a married 35 year old father of two that can't do a damn thing right, sitting here crying and typing, boy I'm pathetic, sure they all might be sad if I ended it all but they would carry on and wouldn't have the problems that I bring on.
     
  2. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Just you being there for your family is worth so much more than all the problems you could ever cause them. Please try to stay safe. I lost my dad and the pain is indescribable.
     
  3. heavenlyjunkie

    heavenlyjunkie Active Member

    Whatever it is that you're going through is probably profound, and I'm happy to hear that you're keeping your kids in mind as a reason to go on. That is reason enough. Be there for them, and your wife. People who end their lives do so because they have no reason to go on. You have a reason. I don't know what your situation is, but this sounds like the most important time to be alive. To be strong and show your support. I guess you're sick of hearing that it will get better, but people don't say that for no reason. It WILL get better, then worse, then better again. That's life. "Hang in there" (another cliche for ya). And keep us all updated, we care about you.
     
  4. Alzam

    Alzam New Member

    Well unfortunately I woke up, it's getting harder to even hold on for the family, I KNOW today I will be getting a call from a lawyer representing a collection company for a debt I cant pay, I got a letter yesterday from my lease company asking to catch up my car note or else...the funny thing is that it's behind due to late charges, the payment is only 1 month behind but the lates keep building up, I cant afford to take time off from work to go get help that I need, I would end up losing the house, I cant even afford to take 1 day off to go see a doctor about getting some kind of medication, i'm on break right now crying some more, day by day it just gets worse. I'm losing my family and they dont even know it.
     
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