I just don't know..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Twitch, Mar 3, 2008.

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  1. Twitch

    Twitch Member

    I've been dancing around all of this for close to seven years now. The day I realized that my life was at risk (from my father, nonetheless) simply for being myself damaged something inside, and I fear that that's irreparable. I've now been a cutter (on occasion, a burner as well) for 6 years. I've tried to kill myself five times and failed miserably in each attempt.

    I have DID, which makes life no easier, and that's part of what brought me here. I've let myself sleep three times in the past week, and woken up with a new set of cuts each time. Most of them are shallow, but they've been increasing in severity every time. The main problem that I realize is that it doesn't scare me in the least.

    It could have to do with the fact that I feel that I've plainly given up. I go about my everyday routines that and nothing else. I go to work, when I have to, and only work enough to pay my bills and buy cigarettes. I go to a diner where I get free coffee practically every night for no other reason than the fact I've got nothing else to do seeing as I rarely sleep.

    I figure part of my problem must be my surroundings. I've attached so many negative memories to everywhere within driving distance that there's no escaping all the problems that pop up wherever I am. I made plans to leave in hopes that it might save me, but then I realized that I have nowhere to go and that I lack the money to do anything more than live on the streets.
    I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and they're slowly closing in. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Maybe working on the underlying difficulties would net greater success...do you think counselling would be helpful? hope you find a way to feel safer in your environment...please continue to post here as I know there are many ppl who have similar concerns...big hugs, J
     
  3. Twitch

    Twitch Member

    I was in counselling for the better part of four years, and it only served to accomplish alienating me from others and myself (if that's possible). I'm really starting to believe that the only two options are to runaway or kill myself, and I know that if I take off, I'm as good as dead.
     
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    When I can find only few options, I ask myself what would i say to a friend who is going through what I am experiencing...sometimes, a third option emerges...please keep posting and go to chat, if you think it would be helpful...all the best, J
     
  5. Twitch

    Twitch Member

    That's the problem I run into: I'd tell them to save up money and run for the hills.

    I can't save up the money needed to make a break because it's impossible to hold down a job that will help me pocket enough to build on. The only reason I still have my current job is because the manager's daughter has some of the same problems that I have so he knows part of what I'm going through, and therefore gives me so much more leeway than I deserve.
     
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