I just don't know

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by queendumb, Apr 19, 2010.

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  1. queendumb

    queendumb Guest

    I don't know why I'm here really. Just killing time. I was trying to find a place where there were similar people who wanted to die. I don't know why. I don't talk anymore about my problems, because I just don't have the energy. I tried to take my life on Wednesday and was really sick for a few days. I rarely cry much these days. I just stay in my home. I don't even walk outside to take out the trash. I posted an ad to find someone to help me clean my home some. They will be here on wednesday which seems like forever.
     
  2. 8125

    8125 Well-Known Member

    welcome :)
    sometimes it's nice just to know that you're not alone in how you feel, or to have the option to talk about things if you need to knowing that someone will listen. i'm certainly finding that to be true since i joined.
    i know what you mean about wednesday feeling so far away - even tomorrow morning seems like years away at the moment.
    i hope you can at least find some confort here.
     
  3. queendumb

    queendumb Guest

    After I read some other threads I see that some people really do understand.
     
  4. queendumb

    queendumb Guest

    I have changed alot. I remember a few months back when I could stay knotted up in a ball crying for hours upon hours. And now I don't. I just accept myself. Last week, I was expecting this lady to come and help me clean my room, just because i didn't want to leave such a mess for everyone and I don't have the energy to clean it all myself. It had been killing me to hold out. When she didn't show, I was unhappy, but I had been so anxious to kill myself that I didn't even care about cleaning up. My time line couldn't change. Now another lady is scheduled to come. I've been so ready to attempt again, but I held out all these days for what seems like forever. If you really want something bad enough you don't stop the first time you fail. And I honestly want the pain to stop. I promised myself that I could make it stop and if I can't keep a promise to myself, then who can I keep a promise to? I took castor bean seeds which made me really sick. I didn't like being sick, but at least it took my mind off how bad I feel.
     
  5. 8125

    8125 Well-Known Member

    i'm sorry you feel like this :hug:
    i don't know how you feel about it, but i know that for me the times when i feel completely apathetic are somehow worse. feeling nothing or not caring scares me...it's almost inhuman i suppose.
    remember that although you promised yourself you'd stop the pain, you presumably weren't in a very sound 'state of mind' or whatever you want to call it - i guess none of us are - you don't have to go through with it.
    also, even though you feel helpless, i think we all have to hope that suicide isn't the only way to stop the pain. hopefully somehow you'll find a way to feel better than this. although i do feel a bit hypocritical saying that as i don't believe it to be true for myself. there are so many stories of people pulling through and getting better though - gotta be a good sign, right? :unsure:
     
  6. queendumb

    queendumb Guest

    Rest

    My life is something I carry around with me like a ton of bricks. So many years I walk around lonely and depressed. I finally realize that at any point I want that I can lay it down. Who said I have to keep carrying it. No more tears and stress, it's time for peace. No more restless nights it's time for sleep. When I lie down to rest, I will lay down all the pain and sorry that was my life. And as I lay it down I ask that you pick it up ad carry it, because it's too much for me to bear. I carried it for a lifetime but now it's time for me to rest. I will rest for all the years of sleepless nights.
     
  7. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Oh please don't! I can so closely identify how you are feeling, because you are describing how I am feeling myself. Just feeling so tired, and it's just too hard to keep on.

    But please, just get through one more day. And then maybe another day after that. Maybe no one can carry it for you, but they can share the load.
     
  8. queendumb

    queendumb Guest


    CareKitty,

    I'm just ranting because I have no one else to talk to. I go to the chat but I honestly believe that it is for people that want help.. I am passing time. I can't turn back now. I have to keep going. For many people things getting better means finding someone new or getting a job or finishing school, but I know I could have all those things and I don't want them. This is breaking me. This has broken me. All I used to look forward to in life was being married and having a family and making money. Dying is the only thing I look forward to. It's the only thing I aspire to. It's the only thing that gives me hope. And everything I try now, I go through with, because I only see my goal. Nothing helps. I'm crying now but that's probably because mornings are hardest. That's when the drugs wear off. I just take whatever makes the tears stop, as I wait for my supplies to arrive in the mail.
     
  9. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Queen, I truly do understand how you feel. I also have a family, and a wonderful son who is also one of my best friends. We have a successful business, a home, we're not rich, but we get by. My health is such that I feel I don't have anything to look forward to but illness, but I'm still better off than many. I should be happier, and I don't know why I'm not. I don't enjoy our home, I hate it, and would love to see the stupid thing burn to the ground. Again, I can't even explain why I feel this way. So, I too sort of look at death as the only thing left to look forward to. When I make "a plan", it calms me. But I don't want to feel this way. And I wish you didn't have to either.

    I wish I had a magic wand or pill that would take these feelings away for us both. I don't, but I can offer my hand in friendship, if you want to talk to someone who understands how you feel. I hope you hang on, and I will try to as well.
     
  10. queendumb

    queendumb Guest

    Wow,

    99 people have been to this thread. That's amazing. And I'm sorry that you're so sick. I too wish I had a magic wand and could fix everything. The only good thing is that when I'm here in this forum, I honestly feel like people understand me. They don't question my sadness.
     
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad this forum helps..we do understand what it feels like to be that sad...
    hope you'll stay ...
     
  12. queendumb

    queendumb Guest

    My roommate decided she wanted to take off this week. I'll have to wait till next week :-( I don't think she suspects anything. :unsure:
     
  13. queendumb

    queendumb Guest

    Better

    Things were bad earlier, but now I feel a little better. Not crying at least :IrishDoll: Just wish I had the strength to reach out when things get really bad
     
    Last edited: May 5, 2010
  14. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    Re:better

    I'm glad you are feeling better but please continue to keep reaching out. I live with 2 other people yet am alone most of the day. I understand loneliness. If you ever want to talk you can PM or email me (info on my profile) anytime. Take care and be gentle with yourself.
     
  15. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.

    If you find it hard to reach out when things are really bad, maybe the time to reach out is now, when you're feeling a bit better. Maybe if you can get the help you need, things won't get as far down.

    Please keep talking, okay?
     
  16. queendumb

    queendumb Guest

    Still Here

    :badday:
     
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