I just don't know.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by slyndsey, Nov 6, 2010.

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  1. slyndsey

    slyndsey Member

    Nevermind just delete this.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2010
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I couldn't work out if this was poetry, prose, a diary entry or what...could you tell me what's on your mind? I would have responded earlier, just wasn't sure that's what was intended.
     
  3. slyndsey

    slyndsey Member

    I've always been depressed.
    I just feel like there's no reason to try anymore.
    I've lived with this pain for a year now.
    Almost a year exactly.
    I've been silently screaming for a long time by trying to talk to some people, trying to get someone to help, but all they say is, "Maybe it's for the better," or, "I'm sorry, it'll be okay."
    I even suggested to my parents that I should start seeing a phyciatrist or a counselor, but the counselor hasn't helped at all.
    She couldn't see past the barrier I've put up.
    She should of known better then to set up appointments three weeks apart, just because I'm not much of a talker.
    I'm too afraid to speak.
    The only one I had was Jacob.
    And now, he's given up on me.
    Given up on me like everyone else has.
    He said I make him miserable and that I need to try to be happy.
    I thought he understood me, but he doesn't. He doesn't at all.
    And he says we won't be able to talk about it until tomorrow.
    This has already been the longest day of my life.
    I've been counting every second, every heart beat is like an earthquake inside me. I don't think I can handle waiting until tomorrow.
     
  4. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    So which is it? Please could you open up and tell us what is wrong?

    You need to be honest with people, I suspect that you like many have backed yourself into something of a corner by not being honest with those trying to help you. If you could tell us on here, maybe it would help you to do it in person?

    My PM box is open,
    Chris
     
  5. slyndsey

    slyndsey Member

    I've always had trouble opening up to people.
    Jacob, my boyfriend, was the one person who seemed to understand everything I was feeling.
    I've never had such a connection with someone before.

    Well, I'm a very.. different? person. I'm anitsocial and awkward and lonely as hell. I've been seeing a counselor, and I've tried to cheer up and look at the brightside of things. I've tried. Um, I have a boyfriend. Well, had one. He was the only one I've ever met that seemed to understand everything I feel. He said he felt as lonely as I did. Last night, he asked me a simple question.
    "Do you want to be happy?" And for some reason I couldn't answer. I'm not sure why, but I couldn't. I think it may of been because I'm crazy and just wanted to know what would happen if I said no. He got frustrated and said that I needed to say yes, that I do want to be happy and I'd be able to stay with him. I didn't know how to respond. By this point I was completely panicing because he's all I
    have in this damn town. A little bit later he told me that he wasn't sure what was going to happen between us, and that he was going to sleep on it overnight and he'd talk to me today. I sent him a text this morning and said that he couldn't do this to me anymore, and asked if he still wanted to be with me.
    He said, "No."
    And that we'd talk about it tomorrow.
    I just moved to this town a year ago with my mother because she left my dad to live with her boyfriend here. And because I'm so socially awkward, nobody has tried to be my friend or anything. Anyone who I thought had a chance has given up and moved on. All my friends from my old town have moved on. I feel... alone and I don't know where I belong.
    Nobody seems to care at all.
     
  6. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    It's hard to know if you want to feel happy because you know depression well enough that it's now routine and in its' own strange way secure. It's a case of putting together enough days where good things happen to change that way of thinking. In other words you need to get to the stage where instead of knowing that 'things will always go wrong because they always do', you need to get to the mindset of being optimistic enough so you are not afraid of trying things.

    I could talk about this more but I might be barking up the wrong tree. If I'm not, then feel free to keep talking here or PM me your MSN and I'll happily tlak there.

    Chris
     
  7. Ronny

    Ronny Banned Member

    Hello Lyndsey

    I have read all your posts and it pains me to see you in such distress. I feel so sorry for you when i read about what's happening with your boyfriend and i wish there was something i could do to help you. I am going to add you as a friend and i want you to know that i am always here for you if you need to let everything out or need some cheering up!

    You seem like a really sweet person and i hope you stay safe, take care. :)
     
  8. slyndsey

    slyndsey Member

    Thanks Ronny.

    I just called my boyfriend. He seemed so happy and carefree. I had to ask him what happened last night, and he said "I don't know." I asked him if we were still together, and he said that he'd need a few days to think about it.
    He seemed so happy, and he sounded like he really didnt care at all.
     
  9. Ronny

    Ronny Banned Member

    sssssigh and hugs :)
     
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