I just dont know.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by daisyhope, Mar 9, 2012.

  1. daisyhope

    daisyhope Active Member

    10 plus years, and that's only the start.

    I went from SH to and ED and OD's and even attempting suicide.
    I know that its not ok to try and kill myself, that gets me in trouble.
    I dont take big OD's i know the risks, always the same pills, so its calculated... and i got to hospital if i need to. I used to tell my mental health team but i'm pretty sure they just got sick of it and kept saying i should go into hospital for the night etc but i never see the point. Their goal is too keep me alive so i can go through the therapy and treatment.
    I dont thing the ED is a big problem, i tend to skip meals and try to lose wight, i occasionally vomit and not eat for a few days at a time, BUT im not underweight, im in the healthy range and aside from low iron and tiredness i pretty ok.
    I dont self harm as much as i used too, yes its deeper and more deliberate... planned and often i should go to hosp to get it stitched (but i dont).

    Two years ago i attended a residential treatment program for 3 months.. it helped in some areas.
    I was meant to be at treatment program for 6 months and learn how better to cope to the point where i no longer do any of these things... it didnt work, didnt last cos of me.

    Ive no idea why im writing this, guess i just needa put it out there. I feel like none of this is really that big of a deal adn that friends/team are making it to be one. Everyone is asking/wanting me to do different things and i really just cant be bothered doing any of them. i go to appointments cos im afraid of what will happen if i dont, i talk because im supposed to. i do things im told but i have little or no desire to actually change and im often just left with feeling despair/empty.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    With our illness we tend to sometimes sabotage ourselves because we feel more comfortable staying the way we are as we are afraid of change. I do hope you try again hun to get the help you need to get stability hugs