The happy guy that I show to people feels like nothing more than an act. I can be funny, witty and charming with anyone and when I'm alone, I'm miserable. I'm too hard on myself and I blame myself for everything. In the last year of this recession, I've barely worked and have been living on benefits. My parents sometimes send me packages of canned food to keep me going. Last night, I tried to book tickets to fly back home for Christmas, but the one on-line credit account I had denied me because I'm having problems with another card and my credit report is bad. My parents are in their sixties and they don't have that type of money to spend and I'm tired of being their charity case. I'm thinking it would be best to not go home for Christmas since I'm thinking/planning of moving back permanently next Spring sometime. I just don't want to tell them how things are. It makes me feel inadequate and that's why I don't like myself. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear.