I just don't see the point of living anymore

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bearonb, Nov 30, 2009.

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  1. bearonb

    bearonb New Member

    I grew up with an abusive family. My mom would hit me on a weekly basis. There were times I was threatened with a knife on a couple occasion. Growing up in America being a minority was tough for me. Since my parents could barely speak english, I had learn a lot of things myself. I got bullied a lot in school. Throughout 5th-11th grade, I was forced to learn an instrument. They wanted me to become a musician. I hated it. I was forced to practice almost on a daily basis sometimes until 2-3am. Even when I still had homework, they made me practice. Even after my grades started dropping, they made me practice. Even making me miss school on certain days just to practice. By senior year of high school, I had a lot of Ds and a couple Fs. I was bullied a lot by my friends and teachers because of this. I still survived, but I was way behind my peers.

    Back in middle school, I became ill and felt sick for about 2-3 months. There became a time in which I was so sick that I could barely walk. My parents finally took me to the hospital after 3 months of being sick and feeding me tylenol non-stop. Because they didn't take me to see a doctor earlier, I could not be cured 100%, and still live with this illness on a minor level. Because of this illness, I am constantly drained of energy and get sick pretty often.

    Throughout college, I suffered a lot socially. I guess because I never learned how to make real friends in my younger years because I was bullied, it was really hard for me to make any friends at all. My grades also suffered a lot because I could not keep up even with the basics.

    I ended up getting into a long term relationship. She ended up cheating on me and I went into depression. After dating couple other girls, I found a new girl. I ended up getting into another long term relationship with her as well. I made a lot of new friends, and for once in my life, I felt healthy. I felt like I had a direction in my life. I felt loved. We both graduated. She ended up breaking my heart.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I've been in depression for the past 6 months or so. And things are not getting any better. I tried to get out, but i couldn't. I wake up every morning wishing the morning never had to come. I have nightmares every night.

    I honestly don't remember too many happy moments growing up. I remember my parents fighting constantly, being yelled at on a daily basis, being hit on a daily basis. being bullied in school by friends and teachers. I'm rambling on now, but I just don't see the point in living anymore. I tried so hard. I don't see a future. I don't see a light. I just see darkness. I am so exhausted of crying everyday. I honestly feel like I just want to be in peace. let this pain die.
  2. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    how are you
    welcome to SF
    im so sorry what you gone through...its so bad...some of what happend to you...happend to me too...people here are so helpful caring & supportive and you can reach out & relieve it out of your chest...hope everythng will be better soon
    take care
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is hard when you finally found someone to care to fill that void in your life you never had then she abandons you. I am so sorry I hope you have some councilling some therapy to help you deal with your past your abuse. You need to talk with your doctor perhaps to get on some medication to help lessen the pain and sadness. Therapy is the best take care.
  4. Terror

    Terror Well-Known Member

    Your case is somewhat related to mine. I was able to finally find peace and happiness but the took all of my efforts and truly believing in myself and finally accepting that I was never at fault, that I was always a winner, that I do deserve to life a happy life.

    Read more here: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=73216
  5. Sparky55313

    Sparky55313 Well-Known Member

    I, too, was forced to play an instrument during school years. I hated it! The instructor was kind enough to understand and switched me around alot. With this knowledge of music I now make my own. I self taught guitar. Its a magical therapy for me and would be lost with out playing. I drown my sorrows with music. Maybe give it a try?
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