Well for the past few years i did nothing but sit at home, i was so sick of everything and i just didnt want to be connected to the world. i always felt depressed, just a general feeling of nothing, like nothing to live for. it just feels like i have nothing to live for. recently i got a full time job, well thinking sitting at home all day isnt healthy and getting a job will get my mind off things, WRONG. its been a couple months since i started and the money hasnt made me even slightly happy, being busy with this job hasnt made me happy, i still have that same dam feeling of nothingness. i have started going out more, made a couple new friends, but even when im doing something with friends in the back of my mind i just feel like crap, and the temporary fun of being with a friend goes away when i come home. wut do i have to live for, when i go for a walk outside i think of this, wut am i supposed to do. why cant i just be happy with things that everyone is happy about, why cant i be "normal". i wish i had a purpose in life, all that ive done in life so far hasnt made even satisfied or feel average, let alone happy. its just feels like nothing, thats why im so depressed all the dam time. i try to cope with it by goin out or goin to the gym, work whatever to get my mind off it and to be busy but it hasnt helped one bit. i can honestly say that my life now is busier and i have much more things to do then in the past few years of doing nothing but my level of feeling like crap is still the same. im just saying this to get it out, i know the typical comments will be hey cheer up itll get better and random vague encouragements that will not help at all, it just seems im living just because im alive and not because i want to do something in life. people tell me to find a hobby or something to pursue, but ya its so easy to say. i dont know why i cant be satisfied with life like the people i know. im not man enough to kill myself but if this keeps going i dont know wut to do. its 1 am and i gotta get up for work at 6 am, dammit, i still hate this job but its something to do, i would go insane if i sat alone all day like i used to. a lot of people say those few years already made me insane and i cant really argue with that. nobody understands this, people tell me get a gf or a fast car or something to get more "fun" in my life but ive already tried a lot and that shit doesnt work for me, i dont know wut i need to make my life atleast worth living for. im thinking of just drinking or drugs because i honestly dont know wut to do anymore. like i said before i wish i was man enough to kill myself, im a guy so im supposed to have this whole macho attitude and be happy but only some close family know the way i really am. i think ill just quit work, im tired of doing anything at all, ive never been the same as other people, i always wanted more but i dont know wut that more is. and the god people please dont tell me to find god, ive gone through the whole religion thing and it didnt work for me. i really dont wanna go to work tomorow, i feel like shit, ive reached my limit and i feel like i wanna grab somebody and beat them to death but i know that wont solve anything. i dont wanna work or do anything anymore. i wish there was some help for this aside from drugs and booze. this whole situation is fuckin hopeless. if u read this whole thing then thanks and i cant belive u read it all, i appreciate u guys listening to me, even if some of u cant help whatever.