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I just don't think I can cope anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ILoveYouDevon, Jun 13, 2008.

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  1. ILoveYouDevon

    ILoveYouDevon Member

    I know it sounds pathetic to depend on a man to make you happy. But I have depended on it for a very long time.
    Derek was my first love. When we started dating I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Finally I had a real friend, a lover, the works. The second he started to act differently I went berzerk. All I ever thought about was him leaving me, him cheating on me, him wanting other girls. It ended up being true though. He didn't want me to be the only girl he had ever been with. He wanted to try out different people I suppose. (not to mention I was insanely jealous over everything so I probably made his decision to leave me alot easier for him.) I was devastated. I will never forget how depressed I was. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to go to school. I just wanted to die. I ended up dropping out of highschool.
    So I was in pain everyday for 2 years until Devon came along. He had been my first real crush. We started talking over Facebook and I got up the courage to go meet him at a club. A few days later we were dating and BAM totally over Derek. Just like that. After all the shit I went through. But Derek suddenly wants me back. He "loves me" and made a stupid mistake. So I get confused about who I want to be with and do some stupid things. Derek tells Devon, Devon almost leaves me but for some crazy reason doesn't.

    I have now been with Devon for over a year. We literally spend every free second together. I've moved into his parents house. I can't bear to be alone ever. Derek my best and only friend for 4 years and I no longer speak to each other (obviously) I am acting the same way with Devon that I did with Derek and I can't stop myself.

    I hate having no control over what happens.

    Every girl he talks to is someone he wants to sleep with in my mind.

    Now it's worse because he's always told me how he doesn't need porn and how he's not like other guys. But i've found out that's a lie and confronted him and he continues to lie about it. I feel ugly and worthless. I feel like i'm not good enough. It only makes me think he will find someone else even more.

    I know you're reading this and thinking "oh my god she's pathetic, get a life, etc,etc" But these thoughts take over my mind. It's all I ever think about and it drives me crazy. I cry all the time. I can never concentrate on anything and I'm probably going to end up destroying my relationship. It just freaking consumes me and exhausts me. I just want to be normal and not a crazy jealous psycho bitch.

    I am ugly. I don't love myself. I don't even like myself. I never have. I need to feel loved in order to be happy.

    I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop doing what I do. I am crazy. Completely crazy.

    I just think that killing myslef will make the thoughts stop and i'll never have to deal with it ever again.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Why would any of us be thinking that hun? We are all here for support, and most of us come here with an open mind willing to help people through their problems. I do not think you are pathetic in the least but courageous for coming here and posting. No one is thinking negatively about you because of this post :hug:

    There's never any reason not to love yourself. People can give us a bunch of reasons why we are not good enough but you know what? We are all doing the best we can, and know that you are doing your best too.
    You don't sound crazy to me. All your sentences were coherent. I understood everything you were trying to get across and what you are struggling with. I'm not sure that a crazy person would make that much sense.

    It's hard to stop doing something we've been doing for so long, but you can. Love yourself in whatever situation you may be in. I read in a book once that the first thing this therapist would do was tell her clients to look in the mirror every day and say I love you to the person staring back. Try that, despite how hard it may be at first. Helps me at least.

  3. ILoveYouDevon

    ILoveYouDevon Member

    I just read a post on the signs of and abuser and that is what I am. I abuse the love of my life. I so desperatley don't want him to leave me. I am controlling. I don't know what I can do to stop it.

    I need help.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think it's good that you see you need some help. these behaviours are learned, which means with some hard work you can unlearn them. have you read anything about borderline personality disorder? google it and see if it sounds familiar. excessive neediness in a relationship is one of the signs.

    are currently seeing a therapist? if not you might consider seeing one for a time. they can really help figure out what is holding you back from being the person you'd like to be in your relationships and in life.
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Therapy and reading and research have helped me put my life back together. My counselor told me to do the mirror thing, but I never did. When I look in the mirror, I'm looking at my appearance, not at my self. But it helps lots of people. Talk to yourself about self-love, begin to see yourself as worthy of a healthy life and relationships. I've heard it said many times, and know it to be true - as soon as a bad or controlling thought begins, take action. Affirm yourself and choose not to let the thoughts go any further. Acknowledge them and then let them go. I don't know how many times my psychotherapist has told me that. I hope you'll find peace with yourself.
  6. ILoveYouDevon

    ILoveYouDevon Member

    I have read alot about borderline personality disorder. In many ways it sounds like me.

    I'm not covered under any insurance so I cannot afford to see a therapist. :sad: When I was in highschool and covered under my parents insurance they refused to let me see one. They thought I was going to tell them that they hit me and then they would take my younger siblings away. Stupid jerks.
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    if you are working why not see if you can get a therapist with a sliding scale policy -- you might only pay half of their fee and have the rest covered. if you aren't working at all then you would be eligible for a subsidy. it's worth finding out, because there are some things that can't be figured out on your own, and you are worth it.

    when you are suicidal you know, it's kind of like the red light on the dashboard of the care saying "i need servicing, and now!!!".... when you feel that desperate it's time to call in all the supports. i hope you will consider getting some help. you are so worth helping, despite what your parents thought (i agree... it's cruel to not help your child when they need it).

    i also fit many of the symptoms of borderline, that's why i thought of it when i read your post. for years i thought i was just being a scorpio ... overly jealous and passionate. but in retrospect there was plenty of bpd going around too. ah well, hindsight is 20/20, eh?
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