I know it sounds pathetic to depend on a man to make you happy. But I have depended on it for a very long time. Derek was my first love. When we started dating I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. Finally I had a real friend, a lover, the works. The second he started to act differently I went berzerk. All I ever thought about was him leaving me, him cheating on me, him wanting other girls. It ended up being true though. He didn't want me to be the only girl he had ever been with. He wanted to try out different people I suppose. (not to mention I was insanely jealous over everything so I probably made his decision to leave me alot easier for him.) I was devastated. I will never forget how depressed I was. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning. I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to go to school. I just wanted to die. I ended up dropping out of highschool. So I was in pain everyday for 2 years until Devon came along. He had been my first real crush. We started talking over Facebook and I got up the courage to go meet him at a club. A few days later we were dating and BAM totally over Derek. Just like that. After all the shit I went through. But Derek suddenly wants me back. He "loves me" and made a stupid mistake. So I get confused about who I want to be with and do some stupid things. Derek tells Devon, Devon almost leaves me but for some crazy reason doesn't. I have now been with Devon for over a year. We literally spend every free second together. I've moved into his parents house. I can't bear to be alone ever. Derek my best and only friend for 4 years and I no longer speak to each other (obviously) I am acting the same way with Devon that I did with Derek and I can't stop myself. I hate having no control over what happens. Every girl he talks to is someone he wants to sleep with in my mind. Now it's worse because he's always told me how he doesn't need porn and how he's not like other guys. But i've found out that's a lie and confronted him and he continues to lie about it. I feel ugly and worthless. I feel like i'm not good enough. It only makes me think he will find someone else even more. I know you're reading this and thinking "oh my god she's pathetic, get a life, etc,etc" But these thoughts take over my mind. It's all I ever think about and it drives me crazy. I cry all the time. I can never concentrate on anything and I'm probably going to end up destroying my relationship. It just freaking consumes me and exhausts me. I just want to be normal and not a crazy jealous psycho bitch. I am ugly. I don't love myself. I don't even like myself. I never have. I need to feel loved in order to be happy. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop doing what I do. I am crazy. Completely crazy. I just think that killing myslef will make the thoughts stop and i'll never have to deal with it ever again.