Ok, first of all i just want to say hi. Im new here, i've browsed the boards for a few weeks now and finally decided to join.
I'm going to trip off and go on for abit, id really appreciate it if just one person could read it and give me some advice.
Ever since i can remember i have never felt myself, from about 13 onwards i've never been able to understand myself, what i want, who i want etc
I made an attempt at suicide at 16, failed, and felt even more alone after i had done it because only one person knew who i don't see anymore. I moved out at 16, and have never felt 'settled'.
Not long after my attempt i decided to 'bury' my feelings. Soon i found myself cutting, nothing deep but i would take scissors/compass, anything sharp and i would just scratch my skin with it untill it bled, then move down my arm and start all over again.
I buried all my emotions and feelings and went on with my life, almost felt like a dream. I partied none stop every weekend, drank untill i was sick, smoked and slept around (which im really ashamed to admit now).
Then 3 years ago i met my current man and everything changed, i stop partying and settled down. Up untill a year ago i was fine.
For the last year i have been unable to control my emotions, i go for a week of feeling fine, then like today i think everyone hates me, that im fat, that my boyfriend doesnt love me, i hate myself and i want to die. I really can't understand it. The only reason ive taken the courage to come on here is because im low today.
Sometimes it feels like i plant ideas in my head, like my boyfriend is cheating. I wont go too much into everything but when im on my own i imagine myself being murdered, or cutting myself, really awful things.
I had councilling when i was 16 and just felt patronised by it all. I don't want to go to the doctors because it will effect my career path, but some days i just dont care anymore. I wish someone could just take me away from everything.
Somedays i think the only reason im still here is because of my boyfriend. Hes seen me change a few times but i've become so good at doing it when im on my own that he doesnt really see it. I joked a few months ago about killing myself and he was distraught that i had even joked about it.
I dont know what to do, i know its hard to get your head round but sometimes i want to pack a bag, walk out the door and just vanish. I know its all in my head but do i carry on the way i am and hope i can sort myself out, or do i go to the doctors and loose my career, or do i just say fk it and vanish.
I can't cope with it anymore, theres no one i can talk to about it because i dont have contact with my friends, my family dont know how bad my problems are and i dont want to scare my boyfriend.
Sorry guys, i've got tears streaming down my face and i cant believe ive actually sat here and summed up what is wrong as i havent even gone over it with myself before.
Input/advicee.... anything appreciated :sad:
I'm going to trip off and go on for abit, id really appreciate it if just one person could read it and give me some advice.
Ever since i can remember i have never felt myself, from about 13 onwards i've never been able to understand myself, what i want, who i want etc
I made an attempt at suicide at 16, failed, and felt even more alone after i had done it because only one person knew who i don't see anymore. I moved out at 16, and have never felt 'settled'.
Not long after my attempt i decided to 'bury' my feelings. Soon i found myself cutting, nothing deep but i would take scissors/compass, anything sharp and i would just scratch my skin with it untill it bled, then move down my arm and start all over again.
I buried all my emotions and feelings and went on with my life, almost felt like a dream. I partied none stop every weekend, drank untill i was sick, smoked and slept around (which im really ashamed to admit now).
Then 3 years ago i met my current man and everything changed, i stop partying and settled down. Up untill a year ago i was fine.
For the last year i have been unable to control my emotions, i go for a week of feeling fine, then like today i think everyone hates me, that im fat, that my boyfriend doesnt love me, i hate myself and i want to die. I really can't understand it. The only reason ive taken the courage to come on here is because im low today.
Sometimes it feels like i plant ideas in my head, like my boyfriend is cheating. I wont go too much into everything but when im on my own i imagine myself being murdered, or cutting myself, really awful things.
I had councilling when i was 16 and just felt patronised by it all. I don't want to go to the doctors because it will effect my career path, but some days i just dont care anymore. I wish someone could just take me away from everything.
Somedays i think the only reason im still here is because of my boyfriend. Hes seen me change a few times but i've become so good at doing it when im on my own that he doesnt really see it. I joked a few months ago about killing myself and he was distraught that i had even joked about it.
I dont know what to do, i know its hard to get your head round but sometimes i want to pack a bag, walk out the door and just vanish. I know its all in my head but do i carry on the way i am and hope i can sort myself out, or do i go to the doctors and loose my career, or do i just say fk it and vanish.
I can't cope with it anymore, theres no one i can talk to about it because i dont have contact with my friends, my family dont know how bad my problems are and i dont want to scare my boyfriend.
Sorry guys, i've got tears streaming down my face and i cant believe ive actually sat here and summed up what is wrong as i havent even gone over it with myself before.
Input/advicee.... anything appreciated :sad: