I just don't understand anymore...

[Screaminginsilence]

Ok, first of all i just want to say hi. Im new here, i've browsed the boards for a few weeks now and finally decided to join.

I'm going to trip off and go on for abit, id really appreciate it if just one person could read it and give me some advice.

Ever since i can remember i have never felt myself, from about 13 onwards i've never been able to understand myself, what i want, who i want etc

I made an attempt at suicide at 16, failed, and felt even more alone after i had done it because only one person knew who i don't see anymore. I moved out at 16, and have never felt 'settled'.

Not long after my attempt i decided to 'bury' my feelings. Soon i found myself cutting, nothing deep but i would take scissors/compass, anything sharp and i would just scratch my skin with it untill it bled, then move down my arm and start all over again.

I buried all my emotions and feelings and went on with my life, almost felt like a dream. I partied none stop every weekend, drank untill i was sick, smoked and slept around (which im really ashamed to admit now).

Then 3 years ago i met my current man and everything changed, i stop partying and settled down. Up untill a year ago i was fine.

For the last year i have been unable to control my emotions, i go for a week of feeling fine, then like today i think everyone hates me, that im fat, that my boyfriend doesnt love me, i hate myself and i want to die. I really can't understand it. The only reason ive taken the courage to come on here is because im low today.

Sometimes it feels like i plant ideas in my head, like my boyfriend is cheating. I wont go too much into everything but when im on my own i imagine myself being murdered, or cutting myself, really awful things.

I had councilling when i was 16 and just felt patronised by it all. I don't want to go to the doctors because it will effect my career path, but some days i just dont care anymore. I wish someone could just take me away from everything.

Somedays i think the only reason im still here is because of my boyfriend. Hes seen me change a few times but i've become so good at doing it when im on my own that he doesnt really see it. I joked a few months ago about killing myself and he was distraught that i had even joked about it.

I dont know what to do, i know its hard to get your head round but sometimes i want to pack a bag, walk out the door and just vanish. I know its all in my head but do i carry on the way i am and hope i can sort myself out, or do i go to the doctors and loose my career, or do i just say fk it and vanish.

I can't cope with it anymore, theres no one i can talk to about it because i dont have contact with my friends, my family dont know how bad my problems are and i dont want to scare my boyfriend.

Sorry guys, i've got tears streaming down my face and i cant believe ive actually sat here and summed up what is wrong as i havent even gone over it with myself before.

Input/advicee.... anything appreciated :sad:

 

[allofme]

hi there and welcome to the forum .. so glad you posted and a wonderful first step...

i think the first thing i will say is that you have no career if you have no life... so seeing a doctor is a wonderful choice...
and it may not kill your career... but i do know that not healing could eventually destroy you... your boyfriend.. your life.. love... and you...

as for disapearing... we all want to do that.. but the problem is .. the problems that caused you to vanish... never vanish...

one thing to think of is that your mind may feel secure enough to be bringing up there feelings again .. it may be time now and safe now for you to heal from them...
one thing i do know is that nothing stays burried for ever... i lived my life with burried "events and feelings"
now at 48 .. they return.. and my life is so messed up i feel like i will never recover.. and at my age my career has been taken away and will never come back....

but to heal now at the begining of you "adult life" where you are "building" your foundation is a wonderful thing...

and i would like to offer you support... and if you want to talk please pm me....

 

[Screaminginsilence]

Sometimes i feel like if i died here no one would notice, the only people who would notice woul;d be work trying to find out why i hadnt come in.

I can't stop crying tonight, i cant speak to anyone and i argued with my boyfriend earlier which really has pushed me to the edge. No one understands, or they will just think im a nut case if i attempt to talk to them

Im going to bed, i wont be able to sleep but i suppose i could justthink. The thinking makes it worse but what else am i supposed to do.

 

[LtRoarke]

I just want to say that the feelings and thoughts you just described are almost identical to mine. I don't like talking about it to my boyfriend or friends too much because it upsets them, so I come here for support and advice. I think that seeing a doctor would be a good idea, but only if you truely believe that you can benefit from it or are willing to. I honestly don't see one because I'm too stubborn, but I know that I probably should. I'm just afraid of what my family would say and think.
What really helps me when I get low is to write out everything I'm feeling, thinking, doing...and then tear the paper up. For some reason it's just one of the best feelings in the world. It's like you've destroyed all of the negativity around you. Granted, I still feel a bit sad but I can better comprehend why and learn to understand it. Usually after I do that I find some time to take a nap, and most likely cry. When I wake up I feel ready to take on the world! Or at least to do something productive.
I don't know if this helped, but I do hope that you're feeling better.

 

[A friend]

I think you have to find the ways of feeling better about yourself. To build your strength up, and then see what that new stronger person can do. First you have to not rely on anyone, which might not make sense if you are feeling weaker and want to build yourself stronger, but it is the way anyway, because your mind and body will automatically strengthen itself when it has to, so you just have to make it do it. Then take time out also, be your own doctor, you know best how you feel nobody else can ever know, you cant tell them your whole self, your own thooughts will be happening or changing as you are describing your own self. So not to write it down either to make it feel lighter on yourself for a while, but to start to look deep inside yourself, calmly, with belief that you are not out of control, you are given a mind that has full abilities to control itself, you just have to do it now, and forgot any past anxieties or present ones, and you do this as you will be stopping future ones, so that will determine you thinking and knowing it is the right steps forward.

So take as much time off as you need, think ways to give yourself a rest, as much rest as you need to feel no pressure on yourself. You can do that and it will make you feel ready to make changes, and the change is to have whatever it is in your lfie that you feel you need and want, if it is to have someone special loving you, they wont come along while you are in such a stte that you wont even recognise them, but it can happen when you have been brave, because they would appreciate you being all you can be. Because that's what they love, all of you.

 

[Screaminginsilence]

Just an update -

I went to the doctors who put me on anti depressants, i was on the lowest strength for 2 months, then i decided i didnt want to take drugs to help me feel normal

I am getting better, it took me 6 years to admit to myself that i have a problem. I have spent the last few months looking at myself and the things i have done. I have taken steps to gain control over my weight, i have lost 56lbs since april, and i have another 30 to go to get to my goal so i am over half way there

I am still not normal, i still contemplate suicide however i know deep down i just couldnt do it. I do worry about my boyfriend, and i have little contact with my family. But generally i feel a hell of alot better than i did 14 months ago

A message to ppl out there, i know it doesnt feel like it, and there are times when you just cant see how the fuck you can carry on with things... but if you do, it does get better. Grit your teeth and find your last ounce of strength and just keep swimming

x

 

[Lead Savior]

I think you should tell someone about your feelings, most likely your boyfriend since you don't seem to be very close with family.

If he really cares for you, you shouldn't worry about scaring him or turning him away. It can do a great deal of good to let someone know, it is like relieving yourself of a whole lot of pressure that you do not need to carry around inside.

Also, the advice and compassion of a person with an unclouded perspective can be very valuable to people feeling depressed/suicidal.