I Just Don't Understand Her Choice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Forgotten_Man, Aug 20, 2010.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Sorry if this comes off as kind of a rant. However, my recent situation has been eating away at me since it happened a week ago.

    Anyway a week ago, my ex forced me to break off all contact with her. She basically said "I do not know if I will have time for you any more and if my boyfriend will really approve of me spending time with you". So I told her to go swallow his c*** and only come back when she is single. I am hurt so very hurt by a lot of the things she said. However, there is one thing that confuses me, as well as hurts me. She said that her feelings for me were getting in the way of her relationship with this new guy.

    I know that when it comes to love an attraction there is not much logic, for instance why am I so hurt? However, this does not make sense at all, to me anyway. Why would you go to someone else when you clearly have feelings for another person? Especially when those feelings will be reciprocate. I know that I only really thought about these feelings when she was planning on leaving me. I won't make excuses there. However, the feelings are there. Yet she decides to go to another guy? A guy who she likes, but does not have any real feelings for because I am there? This just seems stupid. Like setting yourself up for failure. I mean it would make sense if she did not have any feelings for me. However, she said that the simple act of talking on the phone made her cast doubt on her choice to be with this new guy. The simple act of coming over to my apartment, alone or otherwise, and sitting on my couch and playing video games or watching anime with me made her feel like she was cheating on this new guy. Maybe that was just paranoia.

    So can someone please speculate for me? Seriously I am stupid when it comes to this kind of stuff. My lack of relationship experience makes it hard for me to figure anything out. You give up someone you obviously love and want for someone you could date? That just seems stupid from a relationship stand point. Please do not get me wrong I am not going back to her. I am not looking for a way to get back to her. She left me and when this relationship fails or becomes bland I will be there to laugh and that is it. If I ever hear from her again. I just want some closure, because even if I asked her why she would just answer with "I do not know".
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Love has no reason no logic it is all done by feelings she has more feeling for the other guy right now you need to cut her lose now and move on to someone that has more feeling for you okay it is over don't belittle yourself by keeping her in your thoughts it is time to move forward and find a new connection a connection that can recipricate the love you have for them.
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @violet: Sorry but I just do not understand how you can have feelings for one person that are strong enough to make you second guess your choice. That is what I do not understand. If her feelings were stronger for him she should not have had any problem being my friend.
     
  4. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Perhaps it is because you both are spending so much time together and it is hurting her relationship because she feels that her time should be dedicated to him. I know it was always easy for me to go back to my ex's because they knew me, and I knew them. It was more comfortable. Being around you may throw her in confusion, but by her breaking off contact with you says that yes she does want to move on. I seriously doubt the intimate part of your relationship was the problem, and that is what is confusing her with you, because she is still attracted to you, but nothing more. Now she has a new guy she wants the whole package with not just attraction. Hope this helps. Blessings..
     
  5. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Also she cannot really move on with you both so close now can she? Just a thought. :hug: I am sure you are a great guy, but moving on sounds like a great idea for both of you. Get my drift?
     
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Daphna: :confused: is spending time with her maybe once a month and maybe hearing from her once every other week too much? I am not that great of a guy. After all I did lose her. I am working on moving on sadly it is hard for me to get a female to tall to me I real life much less follow me to bed.
     
  7. Chameleon76

    Chameleon76 Well-Known Member

    Did she leave you for this other guy, or did she break up with you before she met him?
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    She left me for him.
     
  9. Chameleon76

    Chameleon76 Well-Known Member

    Then there must have been some problems in the relationship in the first place. Sometimes things just don't work out, regardless of one another's feelings towards each other. She probably still has feelings for you, but for whatever reason doesn't want to be with you anymore. But seeing you just makes it harder for her.

    You should move on and let her go. What good will spending time with her do for you? It'll only make you sad and wishing you were still with her.
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Exactly it will make me feel regret and sadness and fuel my desire to die.
     
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I suspect there is a lot more to this story than we can know, and probably more than you can know.

    What I do know is that love is not enough to make a relationship successful, and in some cases can become twisted and toxic.

    I would say that speculating probably only keeps you in the past. Its probably better to try and grieve for her and then move forward with your life.
     
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Yeah... there are some details I left out... I have the details written out... I just do not want to post them where everyone can see them... plus it is kind of long.
     
  13. k2hsharpe

    k2hsharpe Antiquities Friend

    i suspect Chameleon76 is correct, you can love some one and still have things make the relationship unworkable for you. This has been my experience. It's also been my experience that love for someone doesn't always die even if you no longer wish to have that person in your life - this is no bad thing. Though new partners aren't always comfortable with this, which can forces us to choose between having a future or a past. Keeping both is not always workable.

    The general consensus of responses seems to be that it's time for you to let go of your past and to move on - opening up the possibilities of new futures for your self. A painful thing, but i tend to agree

    and a PS, a last thing i've come to believe ...
    it seems to me that women often grieve for a relationship whilst still in that relationship and when they leave they are ready to move on. We men often suffer lag, having to spend time grieving after our relationships end before we can move on. Never a comfortable place for us to be. A generalisation but still ...
    : -/
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2010
  14. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Right now I have no future so the past is the only logical choice.
     
  15. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Or maybe just focus on the present?
     
  16. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am trying to focus on the present. However, the present is still a reminder of my screw up. I cannot even use stress from work or working out to distract me anymore