I just don't understand. Why me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stephaniexox, Jun 13, 2013.

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  1. Stephaniexox

    Stephaniexox New Member

    So i used to self harm a few months ago but my best friend helped me stop. But now im back to self harming bc my family makes me feel like shit. They always have something to say about my weight. My sister is constantly telling me that i eat everything in the house and my brother always calls me a worthless piece of shit. Everytime i tell my mom that i only eat like once a day she says “stop lying to yourself you eat like 24/7” & everytime im around my dad he always calls me fat girl. Im not the only one overweight in my house. I just dont get it. Why do they decide to pick on me? My sister fucking KNOWS that i self harm & that im suicidal and she still treats me like im a worthless piece of shit. Everytime were in the car my dad just starts going on about how i need to lose weight bc im just gonna keep getting fatter and fatter and “thats not cute” meanwhile hes 300 pounds. But i dont dare make fun of him bc hes my father and that would be disrespectful and id just get in trouble. Im 14 turning 15, 5’2 1/2” & 173 lbs. I hate how i look. I hate being weak. I hate everyone & everything. I hate my life. but most of all, I hate myself. I just put on a mask and tell everyone that im okay but in reality, im dying inside & i wish i was dying outside. I want all the pain to go away. I dont show my pain and weakness in front of my siblings or family or anyone except for my dad. Whenever he calls me fat i just burst into tears & this is what he tells me: “youre a (last name) the fuck you crying for? _______’s are better than everyone else you gotta be tough not soft” i just dont get it. Out of all the people in the world that tell me im fat and need to lose weight it hurts the most knowing my own fucking biological father is telling me that and all he can tell me is to toughen up? Are you fucking kidding me? Im your daughter and i need you at times like this but you just go on and make fun of me like everyone else. No i dont get bullied by kids at school but i do by my own family which is faaar more worse than anyone else. And everytime i see someone in my family like an aunt or my grandma theyre always saying “omg ___Steph___, you need to lose weight” like NO SHIT. i think i already fucking noticed. They just dont get it. Every single fucking word that comes out of their mouths that has to do with my weight gives me pain all over. So now ive resulted in cutting myself. Not as much as before but still cutting myself. Now the only reason i have not commited suicide is all because of the help, hope, strength, & love that my bestfriend has given me. She goes through the same thing. She's the only person i have. She knows me best. And were going to get through this together. Fuck all of you that make fun of me. YOU GUYS are the worthless pieces of shit. Not me. If it werent for my best friend, i’d be dead right now. I need help. God help me.
     
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    You are who and what you are and you need to become proud of that. Don't listen to others who mock or attack. That said, what are your plans and goals going forward? Understood that you are young, so your plans may consist of things as simple as continuing school and perhaps you have some dreams for a career one day. What about exercise and weight loss? If you feel that you are above the weight that is ideal, and there are health considerations also, then perhaps putting together a regular exercise routine would be beneficial. Also, monitoring intake of calories and such and maybe adjusting diet to healthy foods can help also. I noticed that my new smart phone has a whole health app built within it that counts calories and exercise that I do, and it also acts as a pedometer that counts the distance that I walk each day (I went ahead and set it with some goals because I spend a lot of time sitting for my work and do need some activity to exercise as well). Once you have goals in place, you can start measuring success toward that and instead of listening to cruel remarks from those around you, you can focus on self help and well being.
     
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