I just dont understand

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by its never ending, Oct 30, 2010.

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  1. its never ending

    its never ending New Member

    hey everyone,

    where to start....? The main thing I suppose is that I feel so lonely.
    I have a large family, a loving boyfriend and a selection of friends... so how can I be lonely right? But I am! I always have been as long as I can remember!

    I was raped continually as a child at the hands of my older brother. He told me it was a game, it wasn't violent. I knew it was wrong, but for all the wrong reasons. I believed that it wasn't allowed because it was a game that only older kids were allowed to play. My brother manipulated me into believing I should be allowed to be playing this game. I didn't like it but it was the only game he would play with me........... I just wanted someone to play with!
    He put me down. He laughed at me when I spoke. He mocked me if I sang a song. He destroyed my confidence.
    I didn't know how to interact with other children. I was scared that they would laugh at me. I thought they didn't like me.
    I became so withdrawn that my school teacher didn't like me. I hid behind the blackboard instead of taking part in activities. Why did nobody notice? Why did nobody like me?
    Now at 23 still nobody likes me. My mum hates when I call because she finds me too much hard work. Nobody ever calls me. 15 family members and nobody has been in my house for over a year. I have friends, I always have had but they are temporary. They never last long.
    Now... I hate people. I've learned to think of people how they think of me. How can I change it? How can I change how i've learned to see people. How can I change how people see me?
    I'm not a bad person, truley i'm not. But I can't help but hate myself. I've ruined my existance and I dont know how to fix it.
    What can I do? How did I get life so wrong?

  2. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    You didn't ruin your life, your brother did, don't blame yourself. Are you seeing a therapist or someone like that? That could really help.

    Hope you find a way to fix it soon.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm really sorry your brother abused you. what a terrible thing. you are very strong to have survived so much. are you seeing a therapist? i was also abused as a child and going to therapy was the best thing i have ever done for myself. i still struggle with self-esteem and trust, as well as self-harm and feeling suicidal but it's so much easier wtih the help of a good therapist.
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi. I'm so sorry to hear about what your brother did to you. I think you might need some professional therapy to help you overcome the trauma. You have to start trusting people, no matter how hard it may be. Everyone isn't out to harm you. There are malicious people in the world, but there are also really nice people out there. Stop hating yourself and start loving yourself. :hug:
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