I Just Don't Understand

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Daijou, Nov 17, 2011.

  1. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    I honestly don't see any point to anything anymore. I used to be able to delude myself for a while, making promises that doing this or that will lead to something better, or situations will change for the positive soon. But lately I can't even fool myself into believing my own lies.

    What do most people see as a reason to justify their life? When I look around at the world, my thoughts turn straight into 'hate this' and 'hate that' everywhere I look. Nearly everything society is built around I find pointless and unnecessary, and don't feel like being a part of, yet here I am, stuck and wanting out.

    Nothing seems to make sense for me anymore. My only reasons for still being here are the fear of pain and wanting to say goodbye to one last person before I go. Aside from that, I have no hobbies, no friends, essentially no family, and no interest in anything anymore.

    So what am I not seeing that so many others are? Why can't I fool myself into enjoying life and actually giving reason to my existence? Am I over-thinking things, or maybe just too stupid to actually understand something that's probably really simple...?
     
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Have you considered the thought that you might be genuinely ill? Mental illness is not a weakness but it is as the term suggests, an illness.
     
  3. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    believe me, you are not the only one going through this.
     
  4. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    For at least the last two years I've known that there was something legitimately wrong with me. Before that it was more along the lines of wondering what it was. I know the typical advice as well: go see a doctor and have them prescribe me something that will help. I really don't feel like paying someone to tell me "Yep, you're definitely messed up in the head. Take this or this every so often, and you'll be feeling better in no time. Oh yeah, and here's your bill." Seems foolish to pay someone to tell me something I already know, but slap a fancy name on it to make it seem different. That, and my health coverage hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't use that or even know how much of the expenses it'd cover if I went that way.

    Then there's the fact that at some point, perhaps I was fooled (probably by myself, seems I set myself up for failure a lot) into believing that I could beat this on my own, without artificial remedies to aid me along. The way I look at it, it's like I'm stuck in a boxing match against the heavyweight champ, and the outcome looks so dismal, that I've gone and bet everything I have against me. There may have been a time when I thought I could win, but seems I've lost hope.

    [trigger: highlight at risk]All too often I find myself putting a blade up against my wrist, just trying to draw up the courage to complete the motion. Can never bring myself to do it however... farthest I've made it is a little bit of blood, far from fatal to say the least...[end trigger]