I just don't understand

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by letmedisappear, Jun 3, 2012.

  1. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    I don't get it. i just don't.
    I have an amazing life, a spectacular boyfriend, I'm a fragile 16 years of age, so much potential. I get praise constantly for my work, I was elected to a great position in Key Club, I have supportive friends and family. Nothing in my life is wrong. The only thing wrong is me.
    What am I - depressed? Bipolar? Just hormonal? I don't get it. I don't understand. It infuriates me, that I can't control raging at things I shouldn't get angry at, I can't control dropping into such slumps of depression, of feeling so empty and hopeless, and then starting to get out of it, wanting to cry, looking back at myself, thinking, what's wrong with you?? Why... why??? And then I get depressed, and suicidal, and sometimes my friends will drag me out of it, other times I sink deeper until I just give up and let myself just flow with the waves, taking me back to shore to start this cycle up once again. I hate it, so, so much. I want to be productive. I want to fix this. Meds, therapy, I don't care. Just GAH. I can't control it. Is it really just hormones? Am I really just that weak?
    I want to cry. But I hate crying. I hate it. I'm so weak.
    I just want to be myself again, not how I am right now. I just hope I can change back.
  2. deathangel101

    deathangel101 Well-Known Member

    heather its ok to cry i think thats why your going through this its because you don't allow yourself to cry at times and emotions just build up
    i know this from experience and you just might have a biploar disorder but its not a bad thing i too have it
    talk to your parents about seeing a therapist or psychiatrist you will feel much better eventually
  3. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    I kind of know where your coming from, because I have a pretty decent life compared to most people, but I'm in the same boat as you. Only real difference being is that I haven't cried in about a year. I hate it. It makes me feel like I have no soul, that I can feel this hurt and not be able to just cry it out like I did when I was younger. Because when I cry, I feel a little better in a couple of hours, but when I don't, I feel like I'm rotting from the inside out.

    In my humble opinion, I would recommend a therapist, they're great for just letting everything out, because I've found that the forum here just doesn't cut it when the shit hits the fan. Meds too, since they can amplify the positive effects a therapist can have.
  4. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    Yea, I'm going to a therapist... he thinks the problem is rooted in family, but I just don't see how it can cause me being so messed up. My family really isn't that bad. It's me, myself... I am the one who needs to be fixed. And I'll be going to see if I need meds on Thursday... I guess I'll see how it goes from there.
    Usually I can control rants like this or I talk to one of my friends. But I didn't want to bother anyone this time.
    Thank you guys.